About half way through my walk, when I was already going at a good pace and feeling pretty pumped, I saw a young Chinese woman leaving one of the houses and saying goodbye to a young man standing on the doorstep.

Suddenly, the young woman noticed a bus at a stop about 200 meters away. She became visibly uptight, her pitch rose and she looked like she was asking the young man what to do (as I do not speak Chinese, this is all my interpretation).

The man gestured towards the bus and looked like he was urging the woman to run for it and try to catch it. She kept pleading with him until he joined her and they started running toward the bus stop.

By the time they decided to run and crossed the street, I had been half way to the bus and it was still there. There were no passengers in sight, its doors were closed and it kept waiting.

I looked over at the young couple running on the other side of the street. She was running half-heartedly, as if she thought the bus would surely drive away before she caught it. He was just running alongside her, slowing himself down to her pace to support her all the way.

About 30 meters before they reached the bus stop, the bus pulled out onto the road and drove away. By then, nearly 2 minutes had passed and would have caught the bus easily.

This was someone else’s business until Eden came home from the university in the evening and told me another bus story (Coincidence? Serendipity? Quantum attraction?).

Eden’s Philosophy class typically ends at 8:50pm, after which she walks to the bus station and catches the bus home. That evening, the class ran a bit longer and only finished around 9:10pm.

As she was walking towards the bus station, Eden saw her bus already standing there. She said to her friend, “Hey, that’s my bus”.

Her friend said to her, “Go ahead and catch it”.

“Will you be OK?” asked Eden, because it was that time of night.

“Sure”, said her friend, “Go for it”.

Eden sprinted towards the bus and reached it panting heavily. As she got on, the driver smiled at her and said, “You’re lucky you caught me. This is the last bus for today”.

Eden had not known it, but the buses are scheduled according to the normal end time of class, 8:50pm, which leaves plenty of time for the students to make it to the station and board their bus home. Still, when she saw the bus, she ran for it with everything she had.

The way I see it, this sums up very nicely the difference between winners and losers and presents a lesson every parent should be teaching every child repeatedly:

Nobody knows for sure what will happen in the future.

Losers live their life as if they have already lost and give up.

Winners live as if they are certain to win and give life all they’ve got

On a personal note, I was happy my own daughter was showing winning attitude. I would like to believe she got it from Ronit and me, but what I told her was, “Eden, it’s funny you’ve told me this story. Do you know what happened this morning?” And I told her about the other young woman.

If there had been even the slightest doubt in her mind that evening when she had decided to run for the bus, I hope my story helped her choose to give life all she has got every time.

Have a winning day,
Gal

Reality is a bit different, unfortunately. Most of our information feeds are controlled by a fairly small group of huge profit-driven conglomerates, which make their money by selling. To sell well, they need people to “see red”, so they inspire fear via TV news broadcasts, bold newspaper headlines and various other methods.

The result of this is the general view that violent crime is everywhere, that different people cannot live together in harmony and that all too often, the only way to sort things out is to wage war on another ethnic group or country, even at the cost of “friendly” life.

Ronit and I have lived with our kids in a number of places around the world, where there were different cultures, different languages, different food and different climates. We have lived in Arlington Texas and Sunnyvale California in the USA. We have lived in Thailand and in Singapore. We have lived in Israel and in 2 big cities in Australia. We also traveled to many places, including Mexico, France, Philippines, Korea and China.

When we arrived in each one of these places, we naturally focused on the things that were unfamiliar and strange to us, because we needed to get used to them in order to be able to live comfortably. We noticed the local clothing, the local rules of driving, the style of the local buildings, the local manners and the local money.

But after a while, once we have settled in, all we could see was people – human beings, just like us, who get up in the morning, work for a living, have a family, care for their elders and sometimes struggle with life’s mysterious ways. We noticed couples holding hands and smiling at each other, kids running around screaming with excitement and parents looking worried when their child climbed too high or went too far away. We heard complaints about parking being hard to find, the ever rising price of fuel, the unpredictable economy and the distrust of politics. We saw women searching frantically for something in their purse and men panicking as they notice the time. We joined families as they watched big shows and played in the playground.

Everywhere we went, we saw good people.

Now, some people find it hard to spot the good people and I think I know why. You see, by design, our brains interprets anything that looks, sounds or feels like us as trustworthy and good, because it affirms us. By the same design, we become suspicious of things that look, sound or feel different to us.

The problem is there are sometimes obvious things that look different, while the similarities are harder to find and require effort.

One of the things I have said to many people many times is this:

The more you know about another person, the harder it is to judge them. If you knew everything about them, everything they did would seem like the best thing to do and the obvious choice. Being them, you would do exactly what they do

Ronit and I have immersed ourselves and our kids in other cultures and gradually understood more and more of their customs. People who live in the same culture all their life (especially in the same place) and receive filtered information about other groups and other places are not likely to find that understanding. When they bump into people who do things differently to their local custom, they suspect them and protect themselves against their influence.

In many places in Europe, the population is rapidly becoming heterogeneous, especially since the Soviet Union was dissolved and the European Union was established. In the USA, over 1.1 million people became permanent residents in 2008 alone and over 4.4 million from 2005 to 2008.

Australia is a country of immigrants. Of nearly 24 million residents, over 4.4 million (18.3% of the population) were born outside of Australia, mostly from non-English speaking countries. In 2008, 1½ times more people were added to the population of Australia through immigration than through birth. Looking back 3 generations, most of the Australian population came from somewhere else and many still retain their original culture to some extent.

Lots of people now work with colleagues in other countries. Many serve clients in other countries or purchase from suppliers in other countries. Unfortunately, not a small number of people have lost their jobs to people in other countries.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to “stick to your own”, isn’t it? If you think about it, it is going to be far more difficult for your kids!

So what can you do?

Whenever we go out to events with a large crowd, I like to play a little game with myself (if you are smiling to yourself now, please stop it and stay focused). I choose a person, a couple or a family and make up a story about them. I watch them for a while as they move around, touch things, speak, gesture and interact with other people. Then, I imagine what it might be like to be them.

When I see a couple with stern faces who hardly talk to each other, I imagine how they got up in the morning and had a fight. When I see a little girl crying and her father comforting her, I imagine she fell and got hurt or wanted to buy something and was disappointed.

I ask myself, “What may have happened for this person to behave like this?” I try to put myself in their shoes, or rather their emotional state, sometimes by matching their body language or facial expression. I try to BE them for a second.

Some of these people are black, some are Muslim, some are Asian, some are big, some are thin, some are short, some are sunburned, some wear sandals, some wear fancy hats, some are old and some are bound to a wheelchair. I really don’t care.

To me, they are all people. Good people.

In my imagination, they feel scared, they feel happy, they worry about their relationship with their spouse or their all-of-a-sudden opinionated teenager walking around looking too inviting, they give up chatting with a friend to push their toddler on the swing, they wonder what others might be thinking about them and are surprised when a stranger (guess who) smiles at them a big smile of understanding and identification.

Often, I share my stories with Ronit and the kids. I think it is important for my kids to see good people, because they are everywhere, but they are so easy to miss. I believe that for our world to be a good place for my kids to live, they have to see the good people in it and in doing so, they will become good people too.

What about you?

Gal

But this post is not about parties or being the life and soul of them. It is about managing emotions. Specifically, it is about getting rid of negative feelings that seem to haunt us and get us into trouble often.

As a partner, a parent and a person, it is likely you find yourself in familiar situations, feeling the same familiar feeling and wondering how you got there. It may be as you walk in the door after a long day at work. It may be when some misunderstanding with your partner or your (teenage) child quickly escalates to an unpleasant exchange of verbal blows. It may just be when you look in the mirror.

The book explains that all negative feelings are some form of fear and that fear is a defensive feeling aimed at protecting our self from being hurt. Some part of us recognizes certain words or behaviors as a form of attack raises the alert by creating this protective feeling.

The thing is, the “attack” pattern may have been saved in our mind when we were little and certainly in a particular context, both of which are longer in effect. However, our reaction is a subconscious one, which means there is no time for logic, but also that to get rid of this type of reaction we must “talk” directly with our subconscious (this is called Neurolinguistic Programming or NLP).

How to let go of a common negative emotion

1. Recall a common unpleasant feeling you would like to stop having
2. Think of a “thing”, an object, an animal or even a natural phenomenon that this feeling would be if it had physical form. Imagine it right in front of you. What would this “thing” look like, sound like, taste like, smell like and feel like? Is it heavy? Is it light? Would you touch it?
3. Ask the “thing” what it is trying to protect you from and what its positive reason is for being with you so intensely for so long.
4. Let the “thing” reply. You may see, hear, taste, smell and/or feel the answer, so be patient and attentive to the answer.
5. Thank it. Give appreciation to the “thing” for being there with a positive intention.
6. Find some aspects of the “thing” that are appealing to you – its color, its voice, smell, taste, texture or movement.
7. Your “thing” may now change its shape and other attributes. If not, keep talking to the “thing”. You can use any tools or imaginary aids you like to get closer to your “thing” and develop your mutual understanding. Continue in a playful way until your “thing” has changed its form into something pleasant or completely disappeared.
8. As this is in YOUR mind, any outcome that appeals to you is good. This process is complete when you feel comfortable returning to your daily life with the confidence that your original emotion has either gone away for good or become something you would like to keep.

I was so excited about this, I nearly exploded. Right away, I decided to work on the feeling most common for digital people – overwhelm.

First, I imagined my feeling of overwhelm as a very large octopus. I did not count the arms, but there were probably more than 8 there. It was big, it was dark, it had huge bulging eyes, it was frowning, it had a shoe box in each tentacle (which I knew was something I had to do) and it kept moving all the time. I felt very overwhelmed.

When I asked the big octopus for the good reason it was there, it became quite a bit shorter and its expression changed from menacing to compassionate. It said to me in a soft voice, “I’m desperately trying to keep track of all these things for you, so you can focus on doing one task at a time and doing it well. Have I not been doing a good job?”

Then it sort of deflated a bit, shrank to my own height and move closer to me, looking self conscious. “Would you like me to leave?” it asked timidly.

“No, it’s OK”, I said, “Why don’t you just keep all this stuff somewhere else?”

“Sure”, the octopus said happily and then turned around, grew roller skates on 2 tentacles and skated away into the darkness.

I felt great, knowing I was being watched over by my friend the octopus, who was keeping my to-do list tucked away for me. My body relaxed and I smiled to myself and ran to tell Ronit and Eden.

Being you, your “thing” may be completely different. Being you, your imaginary negotiation with the “thing” may be completely different. Either way, give it a try. You will feel great afterwards and your life will change forever.

Of course, once you get the hang of it, it will be nice of you to share it with your partner and with your kids (friends and family may come a bit later).

Kids have few inhibitions imagining things, but they already have things that bother them repeatedly. Unlike many areas, imagining can be easily done without words, so kids are even better at it than adults. However, kids may not be able to “spot the troublemaker” yet, which is where you can help them greatly.

Say one of your kids displays miserable behavior often or throws temper tantrums. You can suggest to them to play an imagination game with you, in which you guide them through the steps above. They do not have to tell you what they are experiencing, but if they do, would you please come back here and tell us about it?

Happy life,
Gal

A strong light travels through the film towards the screen. You can see the beam of light getting wider as it travels through the air, showing flickers of colors and movement inside it. Follow the beam of light with your eyes as it keeps on going and getting wider, until you are facing forward and looking at a huge screen, which practically fills your entire fields of vision.

As you look, you become absorbed in the movie, finding yourself emotionally attached to some of the characters, fearing some of the others, hating a few and getting carried away with the story.

Real life is very much the same. We become absorbed in our own story, which we project onto the world. When we interact with other people, we each look at our own “film” and can get into all kinds of trouble.

What?!

Well, our beliefs are like film. Once we have them, they tend to just stick with us and shed different kinds of light on different parts of our life.

For example, if we have a belief we are not good enough, this will cast a dark shadow on all of our successes. Realistically, we can always find something to improve. Even if we got an A+ on an exam, we can tell ourselves we are not done with school yet. Even if we have great primary-school-aged kids, we can tell ourselves we might have problems when they become teens. This way, we remain not good enough.

On the other hand, if we have a belief we are friendly and social, this will brighten up every human encounter for us. No matter what someone says, we will quickly find something good about it or use the opportunity to be nice to that person and make the interaction more positive. Either way, we remain friendly and social.

Here is a story to illustrate how this works.

In my circle of family and friends, I am famous for troubleshooting computer problems. I know a fair bit, I like the detective work involved, I have the determination and I like to help and make people happy. So from time to time, I get calls for help with someone’s computer.

Unfortunately, many of them are too far away, which means I cannot see what they are doing and I must rely on them to do as I say and be accurate in their description of what happens at their end.

One day, Ronit’s sister Ora called with a problem. Full of enthusiasm, I started asking her to check different things, until she gave me an answer that did not make any sense to me. I asked her again to do the same thing, but she could not find the buttons and details I was talking about.

After a while, I asked her what she was looking at and realized she had not done exactly as I had said and was looking at a different window than the one in my mind. I backtracked and we kept going from where she was, but inside, I felt she did not trust me enough and was trying her own troubleshooting instead of doing exactly as I said.

At some point, she again told me things that made no sense. I am not very proud of the next bit, but I poured my frustration on her. In the end, we worked out the problem, but both of us were left feeling badly, although I had helped her and her problem had been solved.

To let off my steam, I asked Ronit to walk with me around the block and told her I felt her sister had not trusted me. Ronit, who had witnessed the whole conversation, surprised me by saying, “If you go over what happened again, you’ll see it was you who didn’t trust Ora”.

I nearly blew up at that, but being the open-minded person that I am (what a great belief to have), we retraced the interaction and I realized I had indeed assumed Ora had misinformed me of things or done the wrong thing, but I had also made mistakes and could have interpreted her actions in other ways, which Ronit was able to do.

Ronit then summarized it for me by saying, “You see yourself in the world around you. You could not trust another person, so all you could see is another person not trusting you and another person who could not be trusted. Had you looked at the same situation without the suspicion, things would have turned out differently”.

This is how projection works. There is a proverb that describes it very nicely, saying, “A camel can only see the other camels’ humps”.

There are many things involved in projecting – communication styles, love languages, beliefs, values and needs – but a critical one (and a hard one to overcome, unfortunately) is interpreting everything from our own point of view at the center of the universe. When we do this, people do things to us, for us and against us, when in fact, they do everything to benefit themselves.

Here is a quick exercise you can do to notice your projection and possibly overcome some challenges by changing it. I would suggest doing this privately and with your eyes closed in a quiet spot first, when you are nice and relaxed, and trying to do it as things happen later on, after you have had some practice.

Think back to a heated conversation you have had lately, which has left you confused and irritated. Go over it step by step (to the best of your ability) and do the following:

1. Start with a frozen picture of yourself and the other person at the beginning of your argument
2. Leave your body and stand outside the discussion space
3. “Play” you or the other person saying a sentence or expressing an idea
4. Freeze the picture
5. Examine the your body language and facial expression
6. Examine the other person’s body language and facial expression
7. You may already have a glimpse of the difference in each person’s feeling and point of view, but if you do not, float into that person’s body, associate with them fully and see the world through their eyes for a bit until you feel the understanding sinking in
8. “Play” the next step
9. When you are certain you have gained enough understanding to do things differently next time, float back into yourself, return to here and now, take a deep breath, smile and slowly open your eyes

As a parent, of course, the other person is likely to be your partner, but may very well be one of your kids. When you try to associate with your kids‘ feelings, remember that young kids generally feel small and helpless and teenagers generally feel confused, overwhelmed and inadequate. Also, kids do not fully comprehend everything you say.

Another good projection exercise is to ask yourself, “Where have I felt like this before? Do I feel like this often?” If the answer is “Yes”, ask yourself, “When was the very first time I felt like this?”

Our past experiences, most often from our childhood, play in our minds repeatedly like well-rehearsed stories. They are so familiar to us, they seem to be the only way to behave, but they are not. Obviously, when you feel good with something, the more you do it, the better, but when a familiar scene makes you feel bad, just noticing it may already break its automatic nature and make you aware.

Again, find a quiet spot and some quiet time, close your eyes and revisit the very first time you experienced the unpleasant chain of events. Analyze it by looking at it from the outside and from each participant’s point of view, noting how different things were from here and now. When you are certain you have learned enough to break the repetitive story, come back to the room, breathe deeply, smile and slowly open your eyes.

I would love to read your experiences with these little imaginary adventures. Please come back and share when you have done one or two.

Live in a loving world,
Gal

She paced back and forth and stormed, “I never see myself not having money for food or sleeping in my car because I have no home to sleep in. I never see myself without a family to support me. All I got from these presenters was that I must get very low if I want to be successful, which means I’ll never be successful. What kind of motivation technique is this?”

I said to her, “I’m sure that’s not what they meant” and tried to convince her to find something she could still learn from her experience, but it was no good.

4 years later, I think this course has done more damage to her attitude than I thought initially (although it may still contribute to her personality and attitude towards life in a positive way).

Yesterday, at dinnertime, Gal told the kids about Steve Jobs’ famous speech at a Stanford graduation. We had talked about this speech before, but this time, Gal told the kids about Steve Jobs’ adoptive parents, his 7-mile walk to get a meal and how he had collected 5-cent coins by returning coke cans and sleeping on the floor in friends’ rooms. For a while, Eden listened and asked question, but as soon as Gal started talking about Steve being so poor, she switched off.

4 years after her loud confident protest, Eden protested again.

You see, Eden is now 20 years old. She has a diploma in Event Management, she is starting her degree in Psychology next week, she works at one of the biggest festivals in town, she is very responsible and successful at everything she touches and she is has a bunch of money saved already (this is just some pride therapy). That is why she totally rejects hitting rock bottom as a motivation technique.

That made me think about myself.

Do I use rock bottom? Yes, I do! Really? Yes, really!

When? When I write… when I speak on stage… whenever I need to encourage myself… when I want to motivate someone…

Why do I do that? Well, I don’t know… I’m not sure… Maybe because it describes the improvement better!

Then I understood why she protested.

Which would you appreciate more, a kid who gets a “B” in Math in semester 1 and an “A” in semester 2, or a kid who gets a “D” in Math test in semester 1 and an “A” in semester 2?

Because we are very impressed with the improvement, the second kid gets extra points from most people.

Let’s try another example. Who gets your bonus points now?

Lisa opened a laundry business with a $20,000 investment she had worked very hard to save. After two years, she sold it successfully for $1,000,000.

Laura opened a book shop with a $150,000 investment she had worked very hard to save. She sold it after 2 years for $1,000,000.

Is this fair?

Do we only notice the difference between the starting point and the ending point? Where is the real starting point? Is it really when they opened their businesses, or maybe it was when they started working and saving money? What is success? Starting harder (Lisa) or starting easier (Laura)? Who was more successful at saving money?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that using rock bottom as a motivating technique may be a story we tell ourselves to justify getting ourselves (intentionally or unintentionally) to such a low place. I can hear my daughter saying, “What would you be saying if you were still in a bad state?”

It is true. We never see or hear the people who hit rock bottom and stay there!

Giving extra points to underdogs is very disempowering to successful people. I can hear my daughter saying, “Mom, don’t you always say the best thing to do is to point out positive things and achievements if we want to see more of them?”

Ouch!

I strongly believe that overusing the rock bottom technique promotes celebrity idolizing, lottery addiction and overnight success chasing. I can hear my daughter saying to me, “Mom, I never want to hit rock bottom to succeed. I would rather sleep in my soft, heated bed, have a family that supports me, enjoy my food at home or at a restaurant, study something I love and be successful”.

You know what? As her mother, I would like that too! Wouldn’t you?

Ahhh, the joys of parenthood. I have a daughter who is wise beyond her years. I am so proud of her.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

As promised, here is Steve Jobs’ speech (highly recommended viewing):

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God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference

- Reinhold Niebuhr

This week, I was asked by one of my clients about the formula for a successful, healthy and happy life, but as much as I wanted to give him the formula, I could not.

“But Ronit, you are a life coach. Why not?” he asked.

“Because my formula is mine”, I said.

“What do you mean yours? Are you saying you don’t want to share it with me?” he asked.

“Of course I want to share it with you, but I don’t believe it’s transferable”, I replied.

“Why not?” he kept asking.

“Because every person has his or her own formula with a unique signature that cannot be duplicated. Because no two people experience the same things, not even in the same situation”, I explained.

“So what is life coaching for?” he asked.

“It is a way of helping you on your personal journey to find your own formula”, I said.

Everyone wants to be successful, healthy and happy. If you examine every desire in life, it falls under one of the categories above. When we get up in the morning, the drive to get to somewhere, whether it is an achievement, a feeling or a state, is the essence of life. We want to get to our destination quickly and easily and formulas can help greatly. When we want success, we want to get it fast, without much effort and with as low a price as possible, so if someone could show us the way there, life would be much easier. When we want a feeling, we want to feel it now and without any heartache or doubt. If we only knew how to trigger the feelings we want and turn off the one we do not, life would be an awesome adventure. When we want to be healthy, we want to take a pill and make all the pain and sickness disappear. The harder life is, the more we wish for the easy life formula.

The quest for a successful, healthy and happy life starts very early, although our definition of that life changes with every new experience and change of circumstances. Unfortunately, so does the formula.

I would say that if you examined your desires every three month, you would find new spins on every definition every time. To illustrate this point, think of what you thought success was in primary school or in high school and how different it is from the way you define success today. I always say that the birth of my first daughter changed many definitions for me regarding success, happiness and even health.

Living on the two sides of the fence called life

People are divided into two groups – the ones that live life aimlessly, surviving from one day to the next, and those who look for the formula and wish to direct their efforts towards a chosen destination, rather than get up in the morning and find themselves in a place they do not like.

The first group adopts an “aimless (go with the flow) life style” and the second group a “planned (or purposeful) life style”. Many people think that going with the flow and taking things as they come is everyone lives, until they suffer pain that is too hard to bear. Others think that everybody plans their life, until they must acknowledge things beyond their control and with their wisdom comes calmness and acceptance.

I can relate to both. I remember myself treating my health aimlessly until my daughter got very sick and I changed. I also remember during my own coaching giving up control over areas that concern other people. I used a different formula for each of these experiences.

There is a lot of freedom and joy in aimless living. It involves fewer worries and more acceptance. You get your paycheck, spend it as you like and who cares about tomorrow. After all, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that’s why we call it the present”.

Those who prefer to plan might look over the fence and frown, but is there really one side that is better than the other? I think not.

For the people who flow, planned living is too rigid and too frustrating, full of people who try to predict the future and live an illusion of a connection between what they do today and what will happen tomorrow. But for planners, certainty is the currency of life and they believe they can avoid pain most of the time and that is better than flowing and getting hit hard.

Everywhere, we head personal development gurus telling us to set goals and focus on desires. They say that desires are the engine of moving forward. They tell us, “Always plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark”, but is there really one side that is better than the other? I think not.

People on both sides of the fence live life and do the only things they think they know how to do – justify their choices! They say, “My side is the right side and the best side”. I believe a lot of heartache, wars, conflicts, relationship breakdowns and pain exist in the world because people are too focused on justifying their own lifestyle and pushing away other choices. We spend lots of energy shouting to the other side, “My choices are better than yours”. Even religious wars are based on “God loves me more. My beliefs are better than yours”. Are they really?!

I believe that living on either side of the fence is not a problem until you try to convince those on the other side that your side is better. Aimless living is cool, as long as you consider it best for YOU! Planned living is great, as long as you consider it best for YOU!

Because formulas for living well are not transferable. They are personal. You do not need statistics to feel better with your aimless or planned choice and it does not matter if there are more people on your side of the fence or on the other side. The only thing that matters is that wherever you are, you can be successful, healthy and happy by your own definition. If you spend most of your energy on convincing others you are “right”, it defeats the purpose of getting to your destination quickly and easily.

In different areas of life, we probably sit on different sides of different fences and, whether we are on one side or the other, we choose the side we think will give us what we are looking for.

My client asked me about my formula. Now, I share my life philosophy freely with anyone who would like to hear. I even share it with people I have never met, through the many posts I have published, but I have to make it clear – it is mine and mine alone and it is not meant to be copied, because it just will not work for you as it does for me. My experience is meant to be used as a tool to help you find your own life formula, which will be the best for you, regardless of the side of the fence you choose.

Until next time, good luck on your quest for the formula,
Ronit

Yes, it happens to everyone, but stop for a minute and relive your emotions while you were having the last such conversation. Maybe you were trying to convince your kids it was really time for bed and sleep was good for them, while thinking, “I could use some peace and quiet after a long day”. Maybe you were saying to your boss, “Sure I can do this, no problem”, while thinking, “And I really hope you’ll remember this when the next layoffs come around and keep me employed”. Maybe you were saying to your partner, “Honey, you look great”, knowing full well what would happen if you said something else.

Whatever it was, see if you can detect a bit of pressure in yourself.

This pressure comes from what professionals call “incongruence”, which is when your behavior disagrees with your beliefs. It is the opposite of feeling whole and complete and of being at peace inside.

Not that movies are anything like real life, but I found myself thinking about this issue while I was watching the movie “State of Play“. Cal McAffrey, played by Russell Crow, has his share of problems, but throughout most of the film, he says simple, honest things to the people around him. Being a reporter, he needs to hide what he knows and what he wants to do from people, but instead of beating around the bush, he says, “I can’t tell you about it now, but I have to go” or “It’s going to be tough, but do you really want to get the story?”

There is one particular scene, in which his ex-lover, played by Robin Wright-Penn, tries to seduce him and he softly says to her, “I’m really sorry, but this isn’t going to work”. He is so sincere about being sorry, while at the same time being very clear he is not going to go along.

Most people, especially Hollywood film characters, would try to manipulated the situation to avoid being uncomfortable, so I was expecting either to see him move in on her or start pretending and making excuses. When he just told it like it was, I was actually surprised.

Being a pesky life coach, I immediately began some intensive soul searching and self reflection and realized I could probably do better at getting rid of my own hidden agendas and saying what I think more often. OK, so I grew up surrounded by people who cared a lot about what others might think (not “would”, “might”, as in “there could be a one in a million chance”). That does not mean I have to live like this all my life.

So I started to experiment with saying things like, “Kids, my back really hurts. Can you please do the dishes?”, “It’s really hard for me to concentrate in this noise. Please stop” and even “It’s not exactly my taste, but I’m glad you like it” (sorry, no boss example, because I do not have one). It felt good not hiding my own feelings behind accusations or verbal maneuvers. The pressure was gone. It was nice and quiet in my head and relaxed in my chest.

In fact, I have gone further than this and said things I had meant to say many many times and things I had kept for quite some time (I am not going to quote those here). Regardless of the outcome, I felt whole and at peace with myself. I was also proud of myself for growing as a person and becoming an honest communicator.

Oddly enough, this opened the door for others to do the same, and whether they had said those things or not, I began to hear them and accept them, which made things even better.

So no more hidden agendas for me (not at home, anyway). No more being afraid of showing how I really feel. Another step towards personal freedom.

What about you?

A few weeks back, Tsoof had to choose a song from a movie to perform in class. He chose “Say” by John Mayer from the movie “The Bucket List“. He practiced at home so much we all joined in and eventually even performed this song as a family on an amateur stage. Here are the video clip and the lyrics for your enjoyment and pondering.

Happy communication,
Gal

Also, every two people are different in some way and so, when person A’s actions affect person B’s life, invariably there is some form of feedback from person B to let person A know. In the purest sense of the word, this is criticism.

A quick look at Internet-based dictionaries reveals the following definitions:

• Feedback is “The return of information about the result of a process or activity; an evaluative response”
• Criticism is “A comment expressing fault, interpretation, analysis, verbal disapproval”

Say your partner likes vanilla ice cream and you like chocolate. Your partner goes shopping and comes back with vanilla. No chocolate. Bummer!

Obvious criticism that will get you shaking your head and saying, “This is not the way to behave” is when you frown and say angrily, “You’re so selfish, you know? You only got the kind of ice cream you like, but what about me?”

Name-calling is just bad form, and so is the assumption of selfish intent, so we will just label this example as a clear-cut no-no and move on.

Here is another approach. You help your partner unpack and put away and casually say, “Honey, could you get some chocolate ice cream next time?”

If you are in a good mood as you read this, or if you take criticism easily, it may seem to you that this is a very nice way to deal with the situation – it is future-focused, presented as a request and contains nothing obviously negative. But there are people and there are times and moods when this request can be taken just as badly as if you were being horrible about not getting your kind of ice cream.

The way I see it, even the most well intended, forward-thinking, let’s-work-together comment will be taken as (severe) criticism if one or more of the following is true:

1. The recipient is past-focused and interprets the comment as “You didn’t get me the ice cream I like this time”, instead of “please do it next time”
2. The recipient over generalizes and interprets the comment as “You never get me the ice cream I like”, as opposed to “this time”
3. The recipient personalizes and interprets the comment as “You are a selfish person” (identity-level), instead of “You didn’t buy my ice cream” (action-level)
4. The recipient presumes to tell the future and interprets the comment as “Now he/she’s going to be mad at me”
5. The recipient catastrophizes and thinks “This is horrible and I can’t live with it”, instead of “It’s only ice cream”

Put together, a seemingly innocent request for ice cream is received as “You never get me my ice cream, you are selfish and I’m going to be mad at you forever!”

The magic cure for criticism

You will be happy to know there is a very good cure for criticism. It is so good it applies equally to both people in any relationship and can boost their respective self-esteems. It involves the following belief:

I always do the best I can

Important notes:

• You are doing the best you can subconsciously. You may be aiming for things you are not aware of, like satisfying your need for significance or variety or protecting your sense of identity.
• You always do the best you can for you. Whenever others are hurt by your actions or words, this is not what you mean. Even when you deliberately and knowingly say or do something nasty to someone else, your true goal is to improve your own feeling and the other person is an unfortunate casualty.

Essentially, believing that people always do the best they can will stop you from blaming them for not doing what you want just because you want it. Any feedback you give them will then be positive, future-focused and presented as a request. If they think your request is good for them and is within their power, they will do it.

Believing that you always do the best you can will stop you from being defensive when others present their view of things and their desires. Maybe you did not know something, maybe you were tired, maybe you were angry, it does not matter. You always do the best you can.

Unfortunately, most people do not have this belief. This is not surprising, because we are surrounded by self-centered people who put demands on our time and attention and do their best to link our self-esteem to how happy we make them. Most notable is parents’ (and teachers’) habit of saying to kids “Good boy/girl” (identity-level statement) when they do what they are expected to do and “Bad boy/girl” when they do not.

How to believe the best about yourself

Find a quiet, private place for this exercise, where you can spend a few minutes undisturbed. After you read the rest of the instructions, sit comfortably, take a few deep breaths and close your eyes.

Think of something in your life you deeply regret. It may be something you have done or something you have said and even something you “could have done/said” but did not. With the memory, you may feel a variety of negative emotions, such as guilt, shame, inadequacy and sadness.

Now answer this question: If you rolled back time and went back to being that same person at that time and place, could you do anything differently?

Many people say, “Of course. With what I know now…” But you are going back to being the same person. No new knowledge, no new abilities, not even from 1 second later. The exact same person, in the same mood and with the same mindset.

As long as you think the answer is “Yes”, keep asking yourself, “So why didn’t you?”

If you get tempted to think, “But I should have”, keep asking yourself, “But could I?”

Eventually, you are bound to realize the person you were at that time and place, following the events that came just before, having your unique background, beliefs and needs could only do the very thing you did. It was your only option.

The only conclusion possible from this exercise is that you always do the best you can. If it was in your power or within your (emotional) abilities to do anything better, you would have done it for sure.

And the same is true for everybody else!

Have an empowering life,
Gal

Why is this? Better yet, once we know why this is, how can we benefit from this knowledge to become happier?

I am so glad you asked…

First, an introduction to human sensory perception (relax, this is the end of big words, except one). Think about a time when you stepped out of your warm home and into a cold street. At first, the feeling is sharp – your face, your ears and your nose seem to drain heat out of your body and pour it out. Then, you start feeling the cold in your fingers and feet. You shiver. Your muscles tighten.

But then, the strangest thing happens. As time goes by, you feel the cold less and less, until you can stay outside as long as you like. Although the temperature does not change anymore, it seems to be going UP for you, because you feel more and more comfortable.

Turns out the human nervous system mostly notices changes – a drop or a rise in temperature, more or less pressure on the skin or joints, the presence of a chemical in the nose or on the tongue, the presence or absence of a particular sound and the presence or absence of light in a particular color. Scientists call this “excitation”. When the temperature, pressure, chemical concentration, sound or light stays the same, our system gets used to it. Scientists call this “habituation”, from the word “habit”.

To test this yourself right now, fix your eyes on something that is bright white, like one of the lights on the ceiling. Count to 10 and then come back here.

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

What you probably see now is a dark spot in the shape and size of the light but in “negative”. If you blink, you will see the light again when your eyes are closed and the “negative” when they are open.

This happens because as you stare at the light, the cells in your eyes “get used” to the light and become less sensitive to it. When you look somewhere else, it notices all the other colors, but not the color of the light until some time has passed.

The same happens with our emotions and especially with happiness. When something really great happens to us – we bump into someone we like, somebody buys us flowers or our kids give us a hug – there is a difference between our degree of happiness before and after, so we feel very happy very quickly. We get excited.

However, as times goes by, the effect of that encounter, those flowers and that hug fade, our emotional system gets used to them and we blend them into the background until we are back. We become habituated.

It actually gets worse, oddly enough.

Research on porters at a loading dock measured their physical response to going in and out of cold storage. The difference in temperature was 40 degrees Celsius (72 Fahrenheit). Experienced porters adapted so quickly to the temperature changes, they hardly noticed them anymore.

So what happens when you work around people you like every day? What happens when you get flowers every week? What happens when your kids hug you a lot? We get used to it. It becomes a habit and no longer excites us.

This can become a challenge in very common situations, like marriage, parenting and work. The hunt is over, we got the girl/boy, we even have kids together, no more romantic excitement, now what? Kids do well in Math, keep bringing home those good results, nobody gets excited anymore, now what? Work is great and fulfilling, then stops being new, we already know what happens next, now what?

The solution is a combination of variety, gratitude and updating our emotional position in life (our “normal” state).

More variety for more happiness

It is easy to see that a boring life leads to unhappiness. Therefore, it is also easy to see that making changes spices life up and leads to happiness.

Changes can be very small, like rearranging the position of the furniture in the living room, putting flowers on the dining table, switching from plain white napkins to colorful ones, drinking in special glasses for a week and so on.

Changes can be bigger, like painting a room, clearing the garage, doing up the garden or dining at a restaurant. Really big changes might be getting a new car, moving house and changing jobs.

Whatever you change, as long as it is OK with everyone, the level of happiness around the house will increase for a while. If you keep changing things from time to time, you will generate more happiness.

When you plan your changes, watch out for negative reactions, like worrying about the effects on your finances of buying a new car. Start with smaller changes, get everybody on board and gradually notice together how your happiness increases until you like making changes and can make bigger ones.

More gratitude for more happiness

There is a limit to the things you want to change. A few obvious ones are your family members and most of your physical features.

What you can do is feel grateful for the good things in your life. Make a list of them, read your list every day, express your gratitude to the people around you who make you happy and watch your happiness grow.

Here is a list of things many people take for granted, at least after a while. See if it makes you any happier to notice that you have them:

• Having a home
• Being healthy (even mostly healthy)
• Having access to the Internet
• Living in a free country where you are not afraid of the government
• Being able to send the kids to school for 12 years
• Living in peace
• Being able to buy food in abundance at the supermarket, rather than hunting, gathering or growing all of it

Feeling any better?

How to raise your emotional position

There is a girl we know, who was a school captain, who is a truly fine performing artist, playing violin and percussions, singing and dancing, and who always, always smiles.

We have seen her in stressful situations, being in the middle of a mess and organizing her friends with a big smile on her face. We have seen her playing music, singing and dancing many times with a big smile on her face. She comes from an large family and we know she did not always have all the equipment she needed. To our family, this girl is the ultimate role model.

Smiling takes you to a happier place. As simple as it may seem, smiling works miracles. It is a chemical thing.

Try it.

Yes, now. Come on. Smile.

Feeling any better?

Keep smiling, then.

When you smile, you do things better, quicker and you think they are easier. Then, you get better results and this makes you happier.

When you smile, people tend to smile back at you, making your world a happier place, full of smiling people. Then, it is easier to smile more and you become happier.

When you smile at people, they are far more willing to help you, so you have less friction and more cooperation. Being “on the same wavelength” with others will make it even easier to smile and keep you happier longer.

Not a smiling person? Remember the movie Hook? Grown up Peter Pan needed a happy thought to lift his spirits so he could fly. Think of your kids. If they are no longer cute and cuddly, think of them when they were cute and cuddly and SMILE. Feel the tingle in your ears and neck, show your teeth, raise your cheeks, imagine yourself holding your kids for the first time, throwing them up in the air with excitement, bouncing with them on a trampoline or swinging with them at the playground.

Does this feel good or what?!

Now, do this first thing every morning and your whole day will start on a positive note. Things will go your way, you will be pleasantly surprised and your happiness will keep growing as you smile your way through the day.

Have a happy day,
Gal

Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines
- Robert Schuller

When I write about life lessons, I think that every experience in life can be somehow written as a lesson. It is almost as if everything that happens to us is meant to teach us a lesson that will guide us on our way forward.

The word “lesson” makes most people see themselves sitting in a class with a teacher talking at the front. Many times, it brings up extra homework and fear about being tested on subjects learned. What a shame, because life is a long lesson, with lots of work (at home and outside of home) and daily tests!

Believe it or not, about 20 years ago, I managed to get a group of kids (1½ to 4 years old) to think that life can become a great lesson if only we ask the right question. For them, there were no failures in life, only opportunities to learn. They were so young and uncorrupted by life’s heartaches, I could convince them to think whatever I wanted, so I did!

Later on, I traveled around the world with my program and realized that our perception of life depends on our definition of happiness, knowledge, curiosity, success and failure.

What have I learned today?

If you want to know how those kids felt, look at every experience as fun and learning. Instead of asking “How was it?” ask “What have I learned from it?” Try this every day before going to sleep and allow your mind to extract the learning from the events, thoughts and emotions of the day.

We learn many things all day, every day. Writing down your learnings is a good way to remember them better. Keep a notepad next to your bed and write down your answers to the question “What have I learned today?”

Today, I want to share with you (some of) my notes from this month. I wrote them on notepads not only next to my bed but in the car, in my bag and in my diary. I hope my notes contain some useful learnings for you too:

1. Every time my son (Tsoof) performed, every time he wrote music, every time he played his guitar or practiced for his big audition, I learned that pride and satisfaction are my rewards for waiting such a long time for him to be born.
2. When I went to give a talk at the festival my daughter (Eden) helped organize, everyone came to me and told me “You have the most wonderful daughter in the world”. I learned that, although I did not need other people to tell me that, it made me feel so proud!
3. When I went this month to meet the teacher of my youngest daughter (Noff), I discovered her class would not have enough time to cover all the required material for the national exam and I learned (again) that the responsibility for my kids’ education was, is and will always be mine.
4. At the same meeting, the teacher asked me if we were coming to see Noff dancing with all the year level and I said “Of course!” She said she wanted to make sure, because Noff would receive a special dance award. I learned that she asked it because many parents just don’t come. We would have gone anyway.
5. After discovering my husband (Gal) had a skin cancer and having a stressful month, I learned (again) the importance of emotional strength and good attitude. I learned (again) that life throws many tests at us and we are much stronger than we think we are. Every time we get up in the morning, we have passed that test.
6. During the surgery, time in the hospital, doctors and more doctors, I learned to appreciate the value of health insurance. Thank God money was not an item on our worries list.
7. While Gal was recovering from his surgery and friends came over, I learned how important it is to have friends and how valuable they are in times of joy, but also times of trouble.
8. Every second I worked with “Together for Humanity” to promote living in harmony, I learned how much I love being around kids. I learned they give me strength and I love them so much, I probably get from them more than I give them.
9. This month, we met a new family. They came over for dinner and we had a wonderful time together. I learned that I love meeting new people. I had a chance to meet so many new people this year, it has made me very happy.
10. Both of my sisters were pregnant. One was in hospital for more than 8 weeks, counting hours and days to keep her precious pregnancy and avoid having a premature baby. The other was suffering pain and sleepless nights and considered herself lucky. I learned that when I see someone going through bad things, it makes it easier to pass my own tests.
11. I learned that worrying about my sisters from far away makes me feel helpless and I am not very good with feeling helpless. How can I help if I feel so helpless? I need help myself!
12. In over two months of worrying about my sisters, I learned that my own scars never disappear. I could feel the tension building up in me and all the demons ran loose again. I needed to meditate a lot!
13. I learned that being on Skype two to three times a day with my sisters makes me miss them badly and questions (again) my decision to live on the other side of the world from them.
14. After a year of not using our Jacuzzi, we wrote the yearly goals with the kids and Eden wrote she would love to fix the Jacuzzi and use it more often. With her encouragement, we did! We used it move than 10 times in the last 2 months. Now, every time we do this, Tsoof brings his guitar and plays and we sing and we are so happy, so I learned that asking the kids to share their goals and desires with us contributes a lot to our relationship as a family.
15. This month, Gal and I decided to buy Tsoof a music editing program and to hide it from him until we got it from overseas. I learned that it is very hard for me to keep a secret, but it was well worth it just to see his reaction when we showed him our gift.
16. It took me over 3 weeks to organize a professional development training day, but it was very, very successful so I learned that I’m really good at this!
17. I did a presentation about acceptance and stereotyping at the Ideas Festival in Brisbane for 220 kids with two of my team members. The kids were so cooperative I learned that my work helps me live my purpose of making a difference every day. I learned (again) that education is a great way to make a making difference.
18. I managed to tell jokes on stage at the Ideas Festival and I hoped my kids could hear me. They think (and I agree) that I am not funny at all. I learned that I can be.
19. I received a notice about fees for my kids’ activities at school. I compared what I needed to pay to how happy my kids were at those activities and I learned that I am lucky and happy to be able to allow them to experience so many wonderful programs at school.
20. My laptop is now one year old. This month, I discovered it cannot burn CDs (though it should be able too), but since I had never tried, I did not know how long it had been like that. I learned that, I need to use all the functions of everything I buy in the first month.
21. Just planning our camping for the school break made me so happy I have learned that looking forward to something fun can be a great motivator.
22. Every time I get into the laundry room and look at the shelf unit we have built, which makes the room look so clean and organized, I am happy and proud. From the long quest to organize the laundry room, including attempts to paint the doors, bring in another closet and use a screen wall, I learned that trying one more time and then one more time is the right way to find solutions.
23. When I sat next to a group of people talking about the hassles of having the kids at home during school break, I learned that, although there are challenges to working at home, it provides the huge advantage of looking forward to spending time differently with your kids during the holidays.
24. We watched our kids’ videos from 11 and 19 years ago, which showed the kids themselves, as well as their little sister, what they were like as young kids. I learned (again) the importance of making videos of your kids. The memories of every smart thing they did and their first words do fade and videos are a great way to bring them back to life. I also learned that it was an awesome experience for 7-year-old Noff to see her siblings, who are 7 and 12 years old older than her, in diapers, taking their first walking steps.
25. One of my sisters’ friends, who is 38 years old, decided to have a baby without a partner. Her family is not talking to her and her siblings and mom keep minimal contact with her for fear of her dad’s anger. She asked her mom to come and help her after the birth and her baby, but her mom said she could not come. When my mom heard this, she called my sister’s friend and told her she would come for the first few days and help her out. I learned that my mom, who is 70 years old, has a heart of gold (and I am so happy).
26. This month, I finished writing my best book yet, called “Reflections”. It is a book I have been writing for over 25 years. When I signed it with a sense of achievement and accomplishment, I learned the importance of allowing myself time to grow and evolve. I learned that some of my lifelong projects require purpose and persistence and that in hindsight, everything that happened to me, good or bad, contributes to my life story.
27. From reading the many supporting comments on “Family Matters“, I learned that making an effort to write and share every day is certainly worth it!

My learning list for this month was as big as the one from last month and I learned that my learnings are the result of the challenges, successes and joys I experience. To survive a challenge, I ask myself “What can I learn from this?” To maintain and leverage success, I ask myself “What can I learn from this?”

Not everything in life is beautiful and easy, but everything holds a lesson – a message of encouragement or a warning. When circumstances speak, all you have to do is listen.

Until next time, I wish you great, empowering lessons.

Be happy,
Ronit