About half way through my walk, when I was already going at a good pace and feeling pretty pumped, I saw a young Chinese woman leaving one of the houses and saying goodbye to a young man standing on the doorstep.

Suddenly, the young woman noticed a bus at a stop about 200 meters away. She became visibly uptight, her pitch rose and she looked like she was asking the young man what to do (as I do not speak Chinese, this is all my interpretation).

The man gestured towards the bus and looked like he was urging the woman to run for it and try to catch it. She kept pleading with him until he joined her and they started running toward the bus stop.

By the time they decided to run and crossed the street, I had been half way to the bus and it was still there. There were no passengers in sight, its doors were closed and it kept waiting.

I looked over at the young couple running on the other side of the street. She was running half-heartedly, as if she thought the bus would surely drive away before she caught it. He was just running alongside her, slowing himself down to her pace to support her all the way.

About 30 meters before they reached the bus stop, the bus pulled out onto the road and drove away. By then, nearly 2 minutes had passed and would have caught the bus easily.

This was someone else’s business until Eden came home from the university in the evening and told me another bus story (Coincidence? Serendipity? Quantum attraction?).

Eden’s Philosophy class typically ends at 8:50pm, after which she walks to the bus station and catches the bus home. That evening, the class ran a bit longer and only finished around 9:10pm.

As she was walking towards the bus station, Eden saw her bus already standing there. She said to her friend, “Hey, that’s my bus”.

Her friend said to her, “Go ahead and catch it”.

“Will you be OK?” asked Eden, because it was that time of night.

“Sure”, said her friend, “Go for it”.

Eden sprinted towards the bus and reached it panting heavily. As she got on, the driver smiled at her and said, “You’re lucky you caught me. This is the last bus for today”.

Eden had not known it, but the buses are scheduled according to the normal end time of class, 8:50pm, which leaves plenty of time for the students to make it to the station and board their bus home. Still, when she saw the bus, she ran for it with everything she had.

The way I see it, this sums up very nicely the difference between winners and losers and presents a lesson every parent should be teaching every child repeatedly:

Nobody knows for sure what will happen in the future.

Losers live their life as if they have already lost and give up.

Winners live as if they are certain to win and give life all they’ve got

On a personal note, I was happy my own daughter was showing winning attitude. I would like to believe she got it from Ronit and me, but what I told her was, “Eden, it’s funny you’ve told me this story. Do you know what happened this morning?” And I told her about the other young woman.

If there had been even the slightest doubt in her mind that evening when she had decided to run for the bus, I hope my story helped her choose to give life all she has got every time.

Have a winning day,
Gal

She paced back and forth and stormed, “I never see myself not having money for food or sleeping in my car because I have no home to sleep in. I never see myself without a family to support me. All I got from these presenters was that I must get very low if I want to be successful, which means I’ll never be successful. What kind of motivation technique is this?”

I said to her, “I’m sure that’s not what they meant” and tried to convince her to find something she could still learn from her experience, but it was no good.

4 years later, I think this course has done more damage to her attitude than I thought initially (although it may still contribute to her personality and attitude towards life in a positive way).

Yesterday, at dinnertime, Gal told the kids about Steve Jobs’ famous speech at a Stanford graduation. We had talked about this speech before, but this time, Gal told the kids about Steve Jobs’ adoptive parents, his 7-mile walk to get a meal and how he had collected 5-cent coins by returning coke cans and sleeping on the floor in friends’ rooms. For a while, Eden listened and asked question, but as soon as Gal started talking about Steve being so poor, she switched off.

4 years after her loud confident protest, Eden protested again.

You see, Eden is now 20 years old. She has a diploma in Event Management, she is starting her degree in Psychology next week, she works at one of the biggest festivals in town, she is very responsible and successful at everything she touches and she is has a bunch of money saved already (this is just some pride therapy). That is why she totally rejects hitting rock bottom as a motivation technique.

That made me think about myself.

Do I use rock bottom? Yes, I do! Really? Yes, really!

When? When I write… when I speak on stage… whenever I need to encourage myself… when I want to motivate someone…

Why do I do that? Well, I don’t know… I’m not sure… Maybe because it describes the improvement better!

Then I understood why she protested.

Which would you appreciate more, a kid who gets a “B” in Math in semester 1 and an “A” in semester 2, or a kid who gets a “D” in Math test in semester 1 and an “A” in semester 2?

Because we are very impressed with the improvement, the second kid gets extra points from most people.

Let’s try another example. Who gets your bonus points now?

Lisa opened a laundry business with a $20,000 investment she had worked very hard to save. After two years, she sold it successfully for $1,000,000.

Laura opened a book shop with a $150,000 investment she had worked very hard to save. She sold it after 2 years for $1,000,000.

Is this fair?

Do we only notice the difference between the starting point and the ending point? Where is the real starting point? Is it really when they opened their businesses, or maybe it was when they started working and saving money? What is success? Starting harder (Lisa) or starting easier (Laura)? Who was more successful at saving money?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that using rock bottom as a motivating technique may be a story we tell ourselves to justify getting ourselves (intentionally or unintentionally) to such a low place. I can hear my daughter saying, “What would you be saying if you were still in a bad state?”

It is true. We never see or hear the people who hit rock bottom and stay there!

Giving extra points to underdogs is very disempowering to successful people. I can hear my daughter saying, “Mom, don’t you always say the best thing to do is to point out positive things and achievements if we want to see more of them?”

Ouch!

I strongly believe that overusing the rock bottom technique promotes celebrity idolizing, lottery addiction and overnight success chasing. I can hear my daughter saying to me, “Mom, I never want to hit rock bottom to succeed. I would rather sleep in my soft, heated bed, have a family that supports me, enjoy my food at home or at a restaurant, study something I love and be successful”.

You know what? As her mother, I would like that too! Wouldn’t you?

Ahhh, the joys of parenthood. I have a daughter who is wise beyond her years. I am so proud of her.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

As promised, here is Steve Jobs’ speech (highly recommended viewing):

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Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity, to what we would have others think of us
- Jane Austen

Two weeks ago, I ran a leadership camp for 26 kids from five different schools. For two days, I asked them many times what made them proud. Believe it or not, it was not easy for everyone to reply. From as early as 12 years old, though the definition of “proud” is “Feeling pleasurable satisfaction over an act, possession, quality or relationship by which one measures one’s stature or self-worth”, many kids thought that being proud meant boasting or being arrogant.

In the morning, I told them about a game Gal had made up, which is written on our white board at home, “I’m proud of me!”

As kids, we learned that pride is the territory of adults who show off with their “possessions”. Parents were proud of their kids for doing what was expected and when the kids’ behavior improved, the parents’ status improved as well. Teachers did exactly the same. The older generation used statements of pride to build a sense of belonging and set standards.

In the “olden days”, being proud of yourself involved the risk of being considered arrogant and only people in superior social standing could afford to take that risk. I thought the definition of pride has long changed from external approval to recognizing self worth. So I was very surprised to hear the adults in the camp, who are leaders and educators, sharing stories of hiding their own success to avoid being seen as bragging by others.

Despite many social changes and a personal development trend, kids are still dependent on external pride, grow up to be adults starving for external pride and raise kids dependent on external pride…

Time to change

As a life coach, I find that most of the personal development process is refining the definition of life experiences and finding healthy, empowering definitions that will help us move forward to a happy, healthy and fulfilling life. In other words, if you are not happy, it means your definitions of happiness, fear, anxiety, wealth, relationships and so on are making you unhappy and need to change.

One of my clients once said to me, “Ronit, but this is just a change in my mind, not in real life”, so I said, “It’s a change in your mind and therefore, it is a change in your real life, because your mind is real life”.

It is as simple as that – you change your definitions, then your thoughts, ideas and actions change and there you have it, a changed reality, only this time it is the change you have been looking for.

I would like to use this opportunity to spread the word about the importance of refining the definition of being proud in yourself as fuel for the engine of your personal development.

I will be proud of myself if by the end of this article, I can convince you that there is a big difference between arrogance and pride in yourself and that you should be proud of yourself, because it will make you happy.

Ronit’s new rules

Growing up in a house that confused pride with arrogance and never hearing the word “I am proud of you” was not very helpful in making me proud of myself (being a sick girl and a bad student with a bad behavior did not help either). I remember glimpses of pride when I hit a ball in a street game and being good at sports, but generally, pride was not part of my emotional vocabulary.

I was 16 when things changed for me, after being kicked out of high school at the end of Grade 10. I realized that my definition of life was leading me to a very sad place. I cried for days and agonized over this for hours, until I discovered that my self esteem was extremely dependent on what my parents and teachers thought or said about me and that I could not encourage myself at all.

You see, until that moment, I did not think I had any control over my life, because I had been giving that control to others whose job, I thought, was to provide for me. They were busy “feeding me fish”, but never taught me how to “fish” for myself. My emotional food was their approval and external rewards and I was doomed to starve, because I did not know how to fulfill my own needs. The people around me helped me get up in the morning and go to school using punishments and school grades, but I never learned what I needed to tell myself in order to motivate myself to get up in the morning. Realizing that my definition of what needs to drive me forward is pathetic was painful and from this pain, I was driven to change the definition.

So I said to myself

Whatever other people think about motivation, success, health and good relationships is only theirs, not mine. Their thoughts and ideas may lead them to motivation, success, health and good relationships, but not me. How they navigate their life may be good for them, but not me. If I want to control my own life, I need to find my own definitions and my own ways!

And I started my personal development journey right then and there.

Many years have passed since this first awareness. The good thing about personal development is that it never ends and even when you think you have reached a desired state or understanding, there are higher states and understandings waiting for you to reveal them. The most important things I refined when I was 16 were my basic rules of living. When life was tough and no one could save me from myself, all I had to focus on was following them and so I did. Religiously, slowly, one action after the other, I used my new rules to guide me. Here are the rules I followed:

1. Life is a personal journey. No one can make you feel anything, either good or bad. Stop blaming others and expecting others to motivate you. You are the captain or your own ship, so take charge!
2. Everything that happens in life must move you forward. Although this may seem strange, pain can also help you move forward. If you are stuck, feel overwhelmed or hurt too much to recognize a step forward, ask yourself, “What good can come out of this?” Ask and you will find the answer. I have gone through some tough things, yet a lot came out of them when I asked the right questions. And if you saying to yourself, “Ronit, but it was all in your mind”, you are right – it was and it still is.
3. Life is a choice! Regardless of how horrible the situation is, you have a choice. Practice choosing. I could choose to be a good student, I could choose to behave, I could choose to be healthy and you know what, when I realized it, I chose all these things!
4. Do not mix choosing and being a fortune teller. Every day is the first day of your new life. You can plot a new course and sail to a new destination, but you cannot predict the weather, who you will meet on your journey or how those will affect your trip. Do not waste time and energy trying to predict the future. Some choices will work and others will not – choose anyway! If you want to hit a target, you have to practice shooting.
5. Happy moments and success experiences are the fuel of every progress on your personal development journey and it is your responsibility to refill your own motivation tank. What I appreciate about myself and my life, what I have achieved, what I can now do better, what I have learned (especially from failures) and what I am proud of provide the energy for a happy life. It was easy – I made a list of happy moments and achievements, skills and things I was grateful for and looked at them whenever I felt down. I still do this! Over 25 years later, I am teaching others to use this technique and it works for them too.
6. Do not confuse being proud with being arrogant and putting others down. Being proud of yourself is “feeling happy and satisfied about an action, decision, quality, possession or association that positively reflects on my confidence and self worth and I do not need anyone to feel bad for me to be happy and satisfied with myself”. Suddenly, after defining this, others around me could be wonderful and great and I swapped envy with inspiration.

Refining my basic rules of life has helped me move from darkness to light, where social life was wonderful (I started going out with Gal), academic success was easy (6 months after being accepted on probation to Grade 11, I received an excellence award for academic achievement), my relationship skills improved (a month into Grade 11, I started editing the school newsletter and joined the school council) and the ride since has been much smoother.

The pride game

The last 6 months have been a long and wonderful “Pride Therapy” for us (highly recommended!). We were proud of overcoming Gal’s health challenges and the stress and anxiety concerning my sisters and my new nephews. We were proud of our successes at work, new projects and the wonderful successes of our kids (which positively reflect on our confidence and self worth as parents). All these motivated us to move forward.

But our proud moments were occasional and mostly related to external events. We needed some ongoing way to feel we are on the right track. We needed something daily.

One day, Gal returned from his morning walk and wrote on our white board “I’m proud of myself”. When we sat down for dinner, he said, “Today, we will start a new game, called ‘I’m proud of myself’. When we describe our day, each of us will tell the rest about things he or she is proud of” and I thought, “Yes, this is brilliant. What a great way to ‘learn to fish’”. It took only 2-3 days for the kids to get the hang of it and we got a chance to declare our pride in our achievements and efforts out loud and hear ourselves saying them. It felt great.

On camp, at night, when the kids went to bed, I entered their rooms and told them that at night, before they go to bed, it is a good time to fuel their ships with motivation by going over the day and taking happy moments and successes that positively reflect on the way they see themselves. We then had one round of “I’m proud of myself” in each room.

Just before kids went home from camp, I asked them to tell me about the most meaningful things they got from our time together. To me, if they took nothing but ways to fuel themselves and reduce the dependency, I had done great. Kathleen, my wonderful and inspiring Together for Humanity partner, wrote what they said on a piece of paper.

Every other word was “proud”.

I left home that afternoon tired and happy, knowing this could fuel me for a long time. I was very proud of myself!

Wishing you a proud life,
Ronit

One day, I was standing at the post office, waiting to be served, and in front of me in life were a few people, who cam to pay their bills there. While I was waiting, I looked around, and noticed a rather large sign behind the counter, which said in red, bold letter, “Avoid Penalties!”

The people who come to the post office to pay their bills are usually (and I’m not saying always) the kind of people who get a short paycheck and calculate every cent of their expenses, while being unaware of, or unable to use, automatic payment means, credit cards, etc. Many of them have bills hanging over their heads anyway, they’re afraid of losing their job, not making mortgage payments, disconnections and other threats, and now they are being warned of penalties?

Often, when I drive on the highway, I see a sign saying “Wear a seatbelt or wear a fine”, another one saying “Speed cameras are operated in this area” or even one asking “Which one would you rather ride tonight?” and showing a taxi and a police car (that one’s for people thinking of driving drunk).

Obviously, we want drivers to behave on the road and to drive safely, but what happens when the incentive given is to avoid being caught? I know I keep my eyes on the speedometer, which is really not where I should be looking when I drive. I should be looking at the road. I know that drivers, especially young ones, see these signs as a challenge and do their best to drive too fast or while intoxicated and not get caught.

Now, I can’t do much about the sign at the post office, but I did write to the government department in charge of the highway and said, “How about writing on the sign something like ‘Thank you for driving safely’?”

Well, after quite a long time, I got a call from a man, who said he was really sorry, but he couldn’t approve such a change. When I asked him why, he said “Because I don’t have the authority to approve sign changes”. I asked him, “In that case, why did you ring me? Go ahead and escalate my suggestion to the person with the proper authority”.

“Oh, no, I can’t do that”, he said. Go figure.

A few months later, I saw a sign that said “Good morning”, which was a nice start, but not quite there yet.

Anyway, my point is that threats send the wrong message to people, a disempowering message, telling them to conform to other people’s rules. Instead, it would be better to use positive reasons, even provide a “what’s in it for me” description to motivate people to do things.

My other point is that you can help change this motivation style in your immediate environment (with your employees, suppliers, kids, etc) and you can also contact the appropriate authorities and ask them if they wouldn’t mind creating a positive world through their messages to the public.

Good luck! Let me know how you go through the comment box below.