She paced back and forth and stormed, “I never see myself not having money for food or sleeping in my car because I have no home to sleep in. I never see myself without a family to support me. All I got from these presenters was that I must get very low if I want to be successful, which means I’ll never be successful. What kind of motivation technique is this?”

I said to her, “I’m sure that’s not what they meant” and tried to convince her to find something she could still learn from her experience, but it was no good.

4 years later, I think this course has done more damage to her attitude than I thought initially (although it may still contribute to her personality and attitude towards life in a positive way).

Yesterday, at dinnertime, Gal told the kids about Steve Jobs’ famous speech at a Stanford graduation. We had talked about this speech before, but this time, Gal told the kids about Steve Jobs’ adoptive parents, his 7-mile walk to get a meal and how he had collected 5-cent coins by returning coke cans and sleeping on the floor in friends’ rooms. For a while, Eden listened and asked question, but as soon as Gal started talking about Steve being so poor, she switched off.

4 years after her loud confident protest, Eden protested again.

You see, Eden is now 20 years old. She has a diploma in Event Management, she is starting her degree in Psychology next week, she works at one of the biggest festivals in town, she is very responsible and successful at everything she touches and she is has a bunch of money saved already (this is just some pride therapy). That is why she totally rejects hitting rock bottom as a motivation technique.

That made me think about myself.

Do I use rock bottom? Yes, I do! Really? Yes, really!

When? When I write… when I speak on stage… whenever I need to encourage myself… when I want to motivate someone…

Why do I do that? Well, I don’t know… I’m not sure… Maybe because it describes the improvement better!

Then I understood why she protested.

Which would you appreciate more, a kid who gets a “B” in Math in semester 1 and an “A” in semester 2, or a kid who gets a “D” in Math test in semester 1 and an “A” in semester 2?

Because we are very impressed with the improvement, the second kid gets extra points from most people.

Let’s try another example. Who gets your bonus points now?

Lisa opened a laundry business with a $20,000 investment she had worked very hard to save. After two years, she sold it successfully for $1,000,000.

Laura opened a book shop with a $150,000 investment she had worked very hard to save. She sold it after 2 years for $1,000,000.

Is this fair?

Do we only notice the difference between the starting point and the ending point? Where is the real starting point? Is it really when they opened their businesses, or maybe it was when they started working and saving money? What is success? Starting harder (Lisa) or starting easier (Laura)? Who was more successful at saving money?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that using rock bottom as a motivating technique may be a story we tell ourselves to justify getting ourselves (intentionally or unintentionally) to such a low place. I can hear my daughter saying, “What would you be saying if you were still in a bad state?”

It is true. We never see or hear the people who hit rock bottom and stay there!

Giving extra points to underdogs is very disempowering to successful people. I can hear my daughter saying, “Mom, don’t you always say the best thing to do is to point out positive things and achievements if we want to see more of them?”

Ouch!

I strongly believe that overusing the rock bottom technique promotes celebrity idolizing, lottery addiction and overnight success chasing. I can hear my daughter saying to me, “Mom, I never want to hit rock bottom to succeed. I would rather sleep in my soft, heated bed, have a family that supports me, enjoy my food at home or at a restaurant, study something I love and be successful”.

You know what? As her mother, I would like that too! Wouldn’t you?

Ahhh, the joys of parenthood. I have a daughter who is wise beyond her years. I am so proud of her.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

As promised, here is Steve Jobs’ speech (highly recommended viewing):

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Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines
- Robert Schuller

When I write about life lessons, I think that every experience in life can be somehow written as a lesson. It is almost as if everything that happens to us is meant to teach us a lesson that will guide us on our way forward.

The word “lesson” makes most people see themselves sitting in a class with a teacher talking at the front. Many times, it brings up extra homework and fear about being tested on subjects learned. What a shame, because life is a long lesson, with lots of work (at home and outside of home) and daily tests!

Believe it or not, about 20 years ago, I managed to get a group of kids (1½ to 4 years old) to think that life can become a great lesson if only we ask the right question. For them, there were no failures in life, only opportunities to learn. They were so young and uncorrupted by life’s heartaches, I could convince them to think whatever I wanted, so I did!

Later on, I traveled around the world with my program and realized that our perception of life depends on our definition of happiness, knowledge, curiosity, success and failure.

What have I learned today?

If you want to know how those kids felt, look at every experience as fun and learning. Instead of asking “How was it?” ask “What have I learned from it?” Try this every day before going to sleep and allow your mind to extract the learning from the events, thoughts and emotions of the day.

We learn many things all day, every day. Writing down your learnings is a good way to remember them better. Keep a notepad next to your bed and write down your answers to the question “What have I learned today?”

Today, I want to share with you (some of) my notes from this month. I wrote them on notepads not only next to my bed but in the car, in my bag and in my diary. I hope my notes contain some useful learnings for you too:

1. Every time my son (Tsoof) performed, every time he wrote music, every time he played his guitar or practiced for his big audition, I learned that pride and satisfaction are my rewards for waiting such a long time for him to be born.
2. When I went to give a talk at the festival my daughter (Eden) helped organize, everyone came to me and told me “You have the most wonderful daughter in the world”. I learned that, although I did not need other people to tell me that, it made me feel so proud!
3. When I went this month to meet the teacher of my youngest daughter (Noff), I discovered her class would not have enough time to cover all the required material for the national exam and I learned (again) that the responsibility for my kids’ education was, is and will always be mine.
4. At the same meeting, the teacher asked me if we were coming to see Noff dancing with all the year level and I said “Of course!” She said she wanted to make sure, because Noff would receive a special dance award. I learned that she asked it because many parents just don’t come. We would have gone anyway.
5. After discovering my husband (Gal) had a skin cancer and having a stressful month, I learned (again) the importance of emotional strength and good attitude. I learned (again) that life throws many tests at us and we are much stronger than we think we are. Every time we get up in the morning, we have passed that test.
6. During the surgery, time in the hospital, doctors and more doctors, I learned to appreciate the value of health insurance. Thank God money was not an item on our worries list.
7. While Gal was recovering from his surgery and friends came over, I learned how important it is to have friends and how valuable they are in times of joy, but also times of trouble.
8. Every second I worked with “Together for Humanity” to promote living in harmony, I learned how much I love being around kids. I learned they give me strength and I love them so much, I probably get from them more than I give them.
9. This month, we met a new family. They came over for dinner and we had a wonderful time together. I learned that I love meeting new people. I had a chance to meet so many new people this year, it has made me very happy.
10. Both of my sisters were pregnant. One was in hospital for more than 8 weeks, counting hours and days to keep her precious pregnancy and avoid having a premature baby. The other was suffering pain and sleepless nights and considered herself lucky. I learned that when I see someone going through bad things, it makes it easier to pass my own tests.
11. I learned that worrying about my sisters from far away makes me feel helpless and I am not very good with feeling helpless. How can I help if I feel so helpless? I need help myself!
12. In over two months of worrying about my sisters, I learned that my own scars never disappear. I could feel the tension building up in me and all the demons ran loose again. I needed to meditate a lot!
13. I learned that being on Skype two to three times a day with my sisters makes me miss them badly and questions (again) my decision to live on the other side of the world from them.
14. After a year of not using our Jacuzzi, we wrote the yearly goals with the kids and Eden wrote she would love to fix the Jacuzzi and use it more often. With her encouragement, we did! We used it move than 10 times in the last 2 months. Now, every time we do this, Tsoof brings his guitar and plays and we sing and we are so happy, so I learned that asking the kids to share their goals and desires with us contributes a lot to our relationship as a family.
15. This month, Gal and I decided to buy Tsoof a music editing program and to hide it from him until we got it from overseas. I learned that it is very hard for me to keep a secret, but it was well worth it just to see his reaction when we showed him our gift.
16. It took me over 3 weeks to organize a professional development training day, but it was very, very successful so I learned that I’m really good at this!
17. I did a presentation about acceptance and stereotyping at the Ideas Festival in Brisbane for 220 kids with two of my team members. The kids were so cooperative I learned that my work helps me live my purpose of making a difference every day. I learned (again) that education is a great way to make a making difference.
18. I managed to tell jokes on stage at the Ideas Festival and I hoped my kids could hear me. They think (and I agree) that I am not funny at all. I learned that I can be.
19. I received a notice about fees for my kids’ activities at school. I compared what I needed to pay to how happy my kids were at those activities and I learned that I am lucky and happy to be able to allow them to experience so many wonderful programs at school.
20. My laptop is now one year old. This month, I discovered it cannot burn CDs (though it should be able too), but since I had never tried, I did not know how long it had been like that. I learned that, I need to use all the functions of everything I buy in the first month.
21. Just planning our camping for the school break made me so happy I have learned that looking forward to something fun can be a great motivator.
22. Every time I get into the laundry room and look at the shelf unit we have built, which makes the room look so clean and organized, I am happy and proud. From the long quest to organize the laundry room, including attempts to paint the doors, bring in another closet and use a screen wall, I learned that trying one more time and then one more time is the right way to find solutions.
23. When I sat next to a group of people talking about the hassles of having the kids at home during school break, I learned that, although there are challenges to working at home, it provides the huge advantage of looking forward to spending time differently with your kids during the holidays.
24. We watched our kids’ videos from 11 and 19 years ago, which showed the kids themselves, as well as their little sister, what they were like as young kids. I learned (again) the importance of making videos of your kids. The memories of every smart thing they did and their first words do fade and videos are a great way to bring them back to life. I also learned that it was an awesome experience for 7-year-old Noff to see her siblings, who are 7 and 12 years old older than her, in diapers, taking their first walking steps.
25. One of my sisters’ friends, who is 38 years old, decided to have a baby without a partner. Her family is not talking to her and her siblings and mom keep minimal contact with her for fear of her dad’s anger. She asked her mom to come and help her after the birth and her baby, but her mom said she could not come. When my mom heard this, she called my sister’s friend and told her she would come for the first few days and help her out. I learned that my mom, who is 70 years old, has a heart of gold (and I am so happy).
26. This month, I finished writing my best book yet, called “Reflections”. It is a book I have been writing for over 25 years. When I signed it with a sense of achievement and accomplishment, I learned the importance of allowing myself time to grow and evolve. I learned that some of my lifelong projects require purpose and persistence and that in hindsight, everything that happened to me, good or bad, contributes to my life story.
27. From reading the many supporting comments on “Family Matters“, I learned that making an effort to write and share every day is certainly worth it!

My learning list for this month was as big as the one from last month and I learned that my learnings are the result of the challenges, successes and joys I experience. To survive a challenge, I ask myself “What can I learn from this?” To maintain and leverage success, I ask myself “What can I learn from this?”

Not everything in life is beautiful and easy, but everything holds a lesson – a message of encouragement or a warning. When circumstances speak, all you have to do is listen.

Until next time, I wish you great, empowering lessons.

Be happy,
Ronit

No one had warned us about Miss Morrison. When my friends and I picked her classes, it was only because we had to take some psychology classes and hers were given at the best times of the day.

When she entered the first class, it was overflowing. There were people standing around the room with no seats. The classroom was designed for up to 40 people and there were nearly 100 students already. Miss Morrison entered with an angry look on her face. She was so rude you could say she barked her words.

She started reading the class roll and occasionally said to a student, “I don’t like this name. I’m going to call you…” and gave him or her a different name. She also skipped some of the names. When people commented about this, she said, “I only read the names I like to read”. Someone asked her, “What about the names you do not read? Will they be reported as missing?” but she just shrugged her shoulders and never answered.

The class was in terror. Miss Morrison was rude and abusive and I was not sure if I should laugh or cry.

The following week, I entered the class and there were only 17 students there. I remember wondering whether I was brave or stupid to stay in that class. After the previous abusive session, most of the students rushed to the office to change their timetable. Miss Morrison came into the class with a big grin on her face, “Great, it worked”, she said. We looked around at each other, understanding she had done it on purpose.

Only later in life, I understood it was a test of confidence. Only those who were not afraid of her, only those who dared to stay (or had no choice with their time table) could enjoy her wisdom. And only a courageous teacher could dare to take her students through such a test and survive the system…

The first question she asked was, “Who are you?” I was not one of the bravest and I was so afraid of her at that stage. I hoped she would never recognize me and that she would skip my name because she did not like it…

One woman in the class answered. I remember admiring her for the rest if our studies. She said, “My name is Amira, I’m a woman, I’m 26…”

Miss Morrison interrupted her, “Why did you tell me your name?”

Amira was shocked.

“Why do you think it’s important for me to know how old you are?” continued Miss Morrison, her list of questions going on and on.

We were confused at first, but this lesson started a journey of self discovery for all of us. For 4 years, she kept telling us the way we described ourselves was our identity and vice versa.

Years later, when I became a life coach, I understood the full depth of the question “Who are you?” and the types of stories it brings out of different people.

Every person has a story. This story is what we think of ourselves and how we present ourselves to others. Whether we like it or not, we dedicate our lives consciously and subconsciously to support this story, whether or not it is a nice story.

When we present our name, our gender, our profession, our religious background, our place of birth, our talents or our weaknesses, we declare they are part of who we are and we live life to support this declaration.

We become the stories we tell about ourselves

The real difficulty in life is that we believe our stories. When we have told them enough times, we find it hard to change them, because by telling them over and over again, we have convinced ourselves they were true representations of us.

The good news is we believe all the stories, including the good, happy and successful, ones like, “My name is Ronit, I’m a good mother, I love traveling and writing…”

The bad news is we also believe the bad, sad and failure, stories like, “My name is Ronit, I’m not very good with technology, I do not like it when my kids watch TV…”

So stories are not all bad. It only depends which of them you choose to tell yourself.

What’s your story?

If you want to discover your own story, write a letter introducing yourself to the world, as if you were a journalist writing a feature article about yourself. Tell the world who you are. Start from where you think the beginning is. Be honest and describe things as you perceive them, not the way you wanted them to be. Try telling the world how you have reached this point in your life. Write about the highs and lows. Feel free to write the truth. After all, you are the only person who will be reading.

When you are done, check your stories. Which of them are good? Which of them are not healthy for you? Find patterns that repeat. You will be surprised to discover what stories you tell yourself.

If you are a parent, your challenge is to make sure your kids tell powerful stories about themselves. To find out if this is the case, ask them to write a description of who they are. It will give you insights into their minds and what you can do for them to be whole a happy in life. If they are still young, they can draw and tell you what they have drawn. You will be amazed at what comes up in this little activity.

One of Gal’s clients took this exercise so seriously that it took him over 3 months to write his life story. In the process, he learned so much about himself, his fears, and his mindset. Gal received a copy of this story as a printed book and it was as brilliant as it was revealing.

I invite you to my blog, to read all my stories. Every day I write (I have already written over 300 days), I learn something about my own stories…

By the way, my psychology teacher is one of the stories of my life – I am living every day to support it.

Happy stories,
Ronit

“Why are you here?” I asked him and he told me his story. This is a story for all of you who want to be millionaires.

Chris came because he was unhappy. He had no motivation to get up in the morning at all. Beer was his companion. He got up in the morning and he could only think of beer. Driving a Mercedes Benz and thinking only about beer did not seem right to him.

Chris grew up and spent most of his life in Europe. He had a tough life, a really tough life – a strong abusive mother and a weak father who never defended him. He was a trouble maker and never got along with his older sister. When he was eighteen, his father “threw him” out of the house.

“I started all kinds of business”, he told me, “I had a hot dog stand and sold vacuum cleaners from house to house”. I could see his eyes light up a bit as he told me about these ventures. “All that time, I knew I was going to make money. Being poor was not an option”, he continued.

Many people come to coaching wanting to improve their finances. “If they only had that attitude”, I thought to myself.

“I am a creative person. I like that feeling of starting something new and working towards making money out of it”, Chris said. At that point, I still could not understand why he was unhappy.

During his adventures, he met Lisa. From the first minute they met, they were one. “After 30 years, I still love Lisa and she still loves me,” he said with a smile.

In the back of my head, I had this annoying question, “Chris, it all sounds very loving and happy, so what is wrong?” but I didn’t want to ruin the fun.

“Seven years ago, I opened a new business”, Chris went on, “I really believed it was going to work but it did not. I paid the people who worked for me but had no money left for myself. I used all my credit and finished all my savings. Lisa had a job all that time and told me to keep working on my business, and so I did. With Lisa backing me up and having such confidence in me, a year later I had a very successful business”.

“Two years ago, we had a major breakthrough in the business. We now turn over 2 million dollars a year from this business alone.”

Everyone’s dream, wouldn’t you agree?

“I wanted a Mercedes Benz so much, but now I feel uncomfortable driving it. I can get up in the morning whenever I want, I can have everything I want, I have money, I have Lisa, I am successful in my business but I am depressed and sad.”

Do you ever think to yourself, “If only I had a million dollars, I could have everything I want”? Think again! What would you do with that much money?

You see, Chris did not think of this for over 30 years. Since he left home and wanted to make money, being poor was not an option, but being wealthy was not an option either. He wanted money for the sake of having money. Just like most people in the world, 96% to be exact, Chris went to work every day with many desires but no purpose. He practiced making money, but not enjoying his money. He was very good at working hard for his money but not very good at knowing what to do with it.

Chris was a millionaire, but did not have a wealthy mindset. The difference between wealthy people and poor people is not how much money they have in their bank account but what they do with that money. Material possessions can give you only so much, so make sure you concentrate on the real things. Learn to enjoy what you have, even if you have just a little, so when you have your breakthrough, you will still want to be a millionaire.

Marina was a beautiful 19-year-old model when she met Peter, who was a handsome, loving man. They dated for a long time and were a happy and successful couple – big love, great jobs, good pay and an active social life. This perfect picture changed when Marina got pregnant.

They stopped going out, stopped the late nights, the wine and the dancing and Peter started spending more and more time away from home.

Marina had a feeling he was fooling around and felt very sad and lonely. She cried a lot and did not want to do anything. She gained weight and could hardly recognize the model she had been in her teen years. She felt really bad.

After a month of emotional stress, she decided to talk to Peter about her feelings. Peter assured her he was a devoted husband and referred her to one of the top psychiatrists in town who, told her she had prenatal depression.

After the delivery of their first son, Marina felt even worse and her psychiatrist prescribed some medication to deal with her increasing depression. Just like many other women after delivery, Marina entered the depression statistics.

Four years later, things happened exactly the same way. Marina was in her last months of her pregnancy and Peter was working overtime to support their growing family.

Marina suspected him again. Peter told her he loved her dearly, bought her presents, but was nowhere to be found when she went into labor with their second son.

Marina’s depression did not help improve their relationship. Once a social and friendly person, she became reserved, with low self esteem, a negative body image and no confidence, while Peter traveled many days every year.

18 years later, Marina decided to take stock of her life. She was still married, there was no real communication with her husband, little fun, 2 children, 18 years of anti-depressants. 8 times, she had suspected Peter was having an affair. 8 times, he denied. She had no family support, few friends and a really bad feeling about herself.

Marina’s situation was painful. She was ready to move on.

Peter went overseas for work and Marina was about to pick him up from the airport on Wednesday noon. He called her from overseas and told her he was going to stay one more day for meetings and he’d take a taxi home.

That time, Marina did not go crying to her psychiatrist. Instead, she called one of her friends who worked for the airline and asked her to find the real day and hour Peter was supposed to arrive. Her friend told her he should be back as per the original itinerary. On Wednesday at noon, Marina stood at the airport looking at all the welcoming people, unsure if she was as happy as the rest. About half an hour later, Peter appeared, holding hands with a woman with whom he worked!

The divorce went really well. After signing the divorce papers, Marina asked Peter about all the incidents she had suspected and he admitted that in all of them, he had been having affairs.

“And I thought all that time I was crazy and imagining things”, Marina said when she first came to see me. “I have been taking anti-depressants for 21 years, but now I want to stop. Will you help me?” she asked.

“This is something you need to discuss with your psychiatric”, I told her.

“I have”, she said, “And he told me I couldn’t. He said that without it, I’ll be worse.”

“And what do you think?” I continued.

She thought about it for a minute. I looked at her. She was in her late forties and overweight. I could see the model in her, because she still had style. A person needs a lot of courage to stand at the airport and face her greatest fear. She was a brave woman and she was ready to start living.

“I think I can,” she said in a confident tone.

I smiled. “If you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right”, I told her.

During coaching, Marina gradually stopped her medication with the help of her wonderful doctor. She goes out and is has entered a happy new relationship. She has improved her relationships with her kids and is communicating amazingly well with Peter. She has been promoted at work and is considering publishing her story “to help others believe they can”.

I am inspired. I hope you are too!

The Man Who Thinks He Can
- Walter D. Wintle

If you think you’re beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don’t;
If you’d like to win, but think, you can’t
It’s almost a cinch you won’t.
If you think you will lose, you’re lost;
For out in the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow’s will,
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you’re outclassed, you are;
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to hustle before
You can ever win a prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.