Reality is a bit different, unfortunately. Most of our information feeds are controlled by a fairly small group of huge profit-driven conglomerates, which make their money by selling. To sell well, they need people to “see red”, so they inspire fear via TV news broadcasts, bold newspaper headlines and various other methods.

The result of this is the general view that violent crime is everywhere, that different people cannot live together in harmony and that all too often, the only way to sort things out is to wage war on another ethnic group or country, even at the cost of “friendly” life.

Ronit and I have lived with our kids in a number of places around the world, where there were different cultures, different languages, different food and different climates. We have lived in Arlington Texas and Sunnyvale California in the USA. We have lived in Thailand and in Singapore. We have lived in Israel and in 2 big cities in Australia. We also traveled to many places, including Mexico, France, Philippines, Korea and China.

When we arrived in each one of these places, we naturally focused on the things that were unfamiliar and strange to us, because we needed to get used to them in order to be able to live comfortably. We noticed the local clothing, the local rules of driving, the style of the local buildings, the local manners and the local money.

But after a while, once we have settled in, all we could see was people – human beings, just like us, who get up in the morning, work for a living, have a family, care for their elders and sometimes struggle with life’s mysterious ways. We noticed couples holding hands and smiling at each other, kids running around screaming with excitement and parents looking worried when their child climbed too high or went too far away. We heard complaints about parking being hard to find, the ever rising price of fuel, the unpredictable economy and the distrust of politics. We saw women searching frantically for something in their purse and men panicking as they notice the time. We joined families as they watched big shows and played in the playground.

Everywhere we went, we saw good people.

Now, some people find it hard to spot the good people and I think I know why. You see, by design, our brains interprets anything that looks, sounds or feels like us as trustworthy and good, because it affirms us. By the same design, we become suspicious of things that look, sound or feel different to us.

The problem is there are sometimes obvious things that look different, while the similarities are harder to find and require effort.

One of the things I have said to many people many times is this:

The more you know about another person, the harder it is to judge them. If you knew everything about them, everything they did would seem like the best thing to do and the obvious choice. Being them, you would do exactly what they do

Ronit and I have immersed ourselves and our kids in other cultures and gradually understood more and more of their customs. People who live in the same culture all their life (especially in the same place) and receive filtered information about other groups and other places are not likely to find that understanding. When they bump into people who do things differently to their local custom, they suspect them and protect themselves against their influence.

In many places in Europe, the population is rapidly becoming heterogeneous, especially since the Soviet Union was dissolved and the European Union was established. In the USA, over 1.1 million people became permanent residents in 2008 alone and over 4.4 million from 2005 to 2008.

Australia is a country of immigrants. Of nearly 24 million residents, over 4.4 million (18.3% of the population) were born outside of Australia, mostly from non-English speaking countries. In 2008, 1½ times more people were added to the population of Australia through immigration than through birth. Looking back 3 generations, most of the Australian population came from somewhere else and many still retain their original culture to some extent.

Lots of people now work with colleagues in other countries. Many serve clients in other countries or purchase from suppliers in other countries. Unfortunately, not a small number of people have lost their jobs to people in other countries.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to “stick to your own”, isn’t it? If you think about it, it is going to be far more difficult for your kids!

So what can you do?

Whenever we go out to events with a large crowd, I like to play a little game with myself (if you are smiling to yourself now, please stop it and stay focused). I choose a person, a couple or a family and make up a story about them. I watch them for a while as they move around, touch things, speak, gesture and interact with other people. Then, I imagine what it might be like to be them.

When I see a couple with stern faces who hardly talk to each other, I imagine how they got up in the morning and had a fight. When I see a little girl crying and her father comforting her, I imagine she fell and got hurt or wanted to buy something and was disappointed.

I ask myself, “What may have happened for this person to behave like this?” I try to put myself in their shoes, or rather their emotional state, sometimes by matching their body language or facial expression. I try to BE them for a second.

Some of these people are black, some are Muslim, some are Asian, some are big, some are thin, some are short, some are sunburned, some wear sandals, some wear fancy hats, some are old and some are bound to a wheelchair. I really don’t care.

To me, they are all people. Good people.

In my imagination, they feel scared, they feel happy, they worry about their relationship with their spouse or their all-of-a-sudden opinionated teenager walking around looking too inviting, they give up chatting with a friend to push their toddler on the swing, they wonder what others might be thinking about them and are surprised when a stranger (guess who) smiles at them a big smile of understanding and identification.

Often, I share my stories with Ronit and the kids. I think it is important for my kids to see good people, because they are everywhere, but they are so easy to miss. I believe that for our world to be a good place for my kids to live, they have to see the good people in it and in doing so, they will become good people too.

What about you?

Gal

But this post is not about parties or being the life and soul of them. It is about managing emotions. Specifically, it is about getting rid of negative feelings that seem to haunt us and get us into trouble often.

As a partner, a parent and a person, it is likely you find yourself in familiar situations, feeling the same familiar feeling and wondering how you got there. It may be as you walk in the door after a long day at work. It may be when some misunderstanding with your partner or your (teenage) child quickly escalates to an unpleasant exchange of verbal blows. It may just be when you look in the mirror.

The book explains that all negative feelings are some form of fear and that fear is a defensive feeling aimed at protecting our self from being hurt. Some part of us recognizes certain words or behaviors as a form of attack raises the alert by creating this protective feeling.

The thing is, the “attack” pattern may have been saved in our mind when we were little and certainly in a particular context, both of which are longer in effect. However, our reaction is a subconscious one, which means there is no time for logic, but also that to get rid of this type of reaction we must “talk” directly with our subconscious (this is called Neurolinguistic Programming or NLP).

How to let go of a common negative emotion

1. Recall a common unpleasant feeling you would like to stop having
2. Think of a “thing”, an object, an animal or even a natural phenomenon that this feeling would be if it had physical form. Imagine it right in front of you. What would this “thing” look like, sound like, taste like, smell like and feel like? Is it heavy? Is it light? Would you touch it?
3. Ask the “thing” what it is trying to protect you from and what its positive reason is for being with you so intensely for so long.
4. Let the “thing” reply. You may see, hear, taste, smell and/or feel the answer, so be patient and attentive to the answer.
5. Thank it. Give appreciation to the “thing” for being there with a positive intention.
6. Find some aspects of the “thing” that are appealing to you – its color, its voice, smell, taste, texture or movement.
7. Your “thing” may now change its shape and other attributes. If not, keep talking to the “thing”. You can use any tools or imaginary aids you like to get closer to your “thing” and develop your mutual understanding. Continue in a playful way until your “thing” has changed its form into something pleasant or completely disappeared.
8. As this is in YOUR mind, any outcome that appeals to you is good. This process is complete when you feel comfortable returning to your daily life with the confidence that your original emotion has either gone away for good or become something you would like to keep.

I was so excited about this, I nearly exploded. Right away, I decided to work on the feeling most common for digital people – overwhelm.

First, I imagined my feeling of overwhelm as a very large octopus. I did not count the arms, but there were probably more than 8 there. It was big, it was dark, it had huge bulging eyes, it was frowning, it had a shoe box in each tentacle (which I knew was something I had to do) and it kept moving all the time. I felt very overwhelmed.

When I asked the big octopus for the good reason it was there, it became quite a bit shorter and its expression changed from menacing to compassionate. It said to me in a soft voice, “I’m desperately trying to keep track of all these things for you, so you can focus on doing one task at a time and doing it well. Have I not been doing a good job?”

Then it sort of deflated a bit, shrank to my own height and move closer to me, looking self conscious. “Would you like me to leave?” it asked timidly.

“No, it’s OK”, I said, “Why don’t you just keep all this stuff somewhere else?”

“Sure”, the octopus said happily and then turned around, grew roller skates on 2 tentacles and skated away into the darkness.

I felt great, knowing I was being watched over by my friend the octopus, who was keeping my to-do list tucked away for me. My body relaxed and I smiled to myself and ran to tell Ronit and Eden.

Being you, your “thing” may be completely different. Being you, your imaginary negotiation with the “thing” may be completely different. Either way, give it a try. You will feel great afterwards and your life will change forever.

Of course, once you get the hang of it, it will be nice of you to share it with your partner and with your kids (friends and family may come a bit later).

Kids have few inhibitions imagining things, but they already have things that bother them repeatedly. Unlike many areas, imagining can be easily done without words, so kids are even better at it than adults. However, kids may not be able to “spot the troublemaker” yet, which is where you can help them greatly.

Say one of your kids displays miserable behavior often or throws temper tantrums. You can suggest to them to play an imagination game with you, in which you guide them through the steps above. They do not have to tell you what they are experiencing, but if they do, would you please come back here and tell us about it?

Happy life,
Gal

Yes, it happens to everyone, but stop for a minute and relive your emotions while you were having the last such conversation. Maybe you were trying to convince your kids it was really time for bed and sleep was good for them, while thinking, “I could use some peace and quiet after a long day”. Maybe you were saying to your boss, “Sure I can do this, no problem”, while thinking, “And I really hope you’ll remember this when the next layoffs come around and keep me employed”. Maybe you were saying to your partner, “Honey, you look great”, knowing full well what would happen if you said something else.

Whatever it was, see if you can detect a bit of pressure in yourself.

This pressure comes from what professionals call “incongruence”, which is when your behavior disagrees with your beliefs. It is the opposite of feeling whole and complete and of being at peace inside.

Not that movies are anything like real life, but I found myself thinking about this issue while I was watching the movie “State of Play“. Cal McAffrey, played by Russell Crow, has his share of problems, but throughout most of the film, he says simple, honest things to the people around him. Being a reporter, he needs to hide what he knows and what he wants to do from people, but instead of beating around the bush, he says, “I can’t tell you about it now, but I have to go” or “It’s going to be tough, but do you really want to get the story?”

There is one particular scene, in which his ex-lover, played by Robin Wright-Penn, tries to seduce him and he softly says to her, “I’m really sorry, but this isn’t going to work”. He is so sincere about being sorry, while at the same time being very clear he is not going to go along.

Most people, especially Hollywood film characters, would try to manipulated the situation to avoid being uncomfortable, so I was expecting either to see him move in on her or start pretending and making excuses. When he just told it like it was, I was actually surprised.

Being a pesky life coach, I immediately began some intensive soul searching and self reflection and realized I could probably do better at getting rid of my own hidden agendas and saying what I think more often. OK, so I grew up surrounded by people who cared a lot about what others might think (not “would”, “might”, as in “there could be a one in a million chance”). That does not mean I have to live like this all my life.

So I started to experiment with saying things like, “Kids, my back really hurts. Can you please do the dishes?”, “It’s really hard for me to concentrate in this noise. Please stop” and even “It’s not exactly my taste, but I’m glad you like it” (sorry, no boss example, because I do not have one). It felt good not hiding my own feelings behind accusations or verbal maneuvers. The pressure was gone. It was nice and quiet in my head and relaxed in my chest.

In fact, I have gone further than this and said things I had meant to say many many times and things I had kept for quite some time (I am not going to quote those here). Regardless of the outcome, I felt whole and at peace with myself. I was also proud of myself for growing as a person and becoming an honest communicator.

Oddly enough, this opened the door for others to do the same, and whether they had said those things or not, I began to hear them and accept them, which made things even better.

So no more hidden agendas for me (not at home, anyway). No more being afraid of showing how I really feel. Another step towards personal freedom.

What about you?

A few weeks back, Tsoof had to choose a song from a movie to perform in class. He chose “Say” by John Mayer from the movie “The Bucket List“. He practiced at home so much we all joined in and eventually even performed this song as a family on an amateur stage. Here are the video clip and the lyrics for your enjoyment and pondering.

Happy communication,
Gal

Stress is a feeling of pressure that produces adrenalin and creates a sense of urgency. Stress is exhausting and limits our ability to respond. There are so many physical symptoms linked to stress that some theories suggest most of humanity’s problems are caused by stress. Some of the symptoms are irritability, inability to focus, headaches, increased heart rate, muscle tension, insomnia (inability to sleep), confusion, high blood pressure, frequent illness and various types of pain.

Living in stress is like living in an ambulance all your life. You are on the road most of the day, you live in a small space, not many people around, everything is difficult, your decisions are all about life and death, mistakes are critical, there is no time to waste, not time for fun, not enough time and space to make your own meals, you see (too) many doctors, you develop a dark view of the world from frequent exposure to accidents, drink driving, violence and self neglect. Through the eyes of the stressed person life sucks!

There are many reasons for people to feel stressed. Often, it is the accumulation of more than one source of stress that creates enough pressure to exhaust people.

Historically, body’s mechanism to handle a real threat was the “fight or flight” response, which would a massive surge of energy for a short period of time. However, when this mechanism is triggered too often, our body runs out of energy.

Unfortunately, over the years, people started to react strongly to frequent, minor triggers. Something that someone says to us can be a threat, something that does not happen the way we expect can be a threat, but those things build up until our response to them is similar to “fight or flight”.

Even more unfortunately, this trend is only increasing.

What can cause stress?

Poor diet

Unfortunately, when stressed, people tend to eat things that interfere with the absorption of nutrients. Lack of vitamins and minerals can cause stress, creating a vicious cycle – you are stressed, therefore you do not eat well, but then your body lacks nutrients and you become more stressed…

In this case, it is important in stressful situations to stick to healthy eating. Have an emergency plan for emergency situations and stick to it. If you are stressed, ask yourself “What do I need to eat to give my body enough nutrients for me to relax?”

Change

Most people find it hard to deal with change. Even planned changes like moving to a new job or moving to a new house create a sense of pressure, mainly because of the fear of the unknown. If you think about it, the unknown is there all the time, in every second of our life and in order to survive it, we need to stick to controlling what we can. I can control what I do during the move, I can control my actions and behaviors and I can choose a house to suit my needs.

Unplanned changes, like accidents, death, illness or crisis create stress ever more, because of the sudden loss of certainty.

The only thing constant in life is change
- François de la Rochefoucauld

It is important to understand that we are changing all the time and that change and growth go hand in hand. Preparing well to planned changes will help you deal with unplanned changes. In a strange way, you can also be certain that unplanned changes will occur and when they do, your certainty can increase.

No money

Most of the people in the world live a lifestyle that is hard to maintain. Although education is perceived to be free in many countries, children actually cost their parents lots of money. In many places around the world, people do not have enough money for food (have you seen the movie “Slumdog Millionaire“?). If you ask people about the causes of stress (called “stressors”), you will find that lack of money is at the top of the list, causing them many sleepless nights.

Stress regarding money increases during crisis, so the best way to avoid it is to manage your money wisely. Live within your means and always put some extra money for a rainy day.

No time

Lack of time is a growing source of stress in our society. Most people work many hours, long days and do not have time to do all the things they want or have to do. Others are just “time wasters” and are not efficient in their time management. Yet, we all have 24 hours a day and we can manage our time, rather than letting our time manage us. Here are some symptoms of time wasters:

• Being disorganized
• Not knowing how to say “no”
• Planning to do too much for the time allocated
• Not taking time to rejuvenate
• Watching too much TV (this includes YouTube, idle Net surfing and playing video games)
• Inability to delegate properly
• Procrastinating
• Not having good systems
• Having too much clutter and a messy home/desk/shed/office
• Avoiding helpful technology
• Being easily distracted and allowing interruptions

The way to solve the time management issue is to build your time management skills and understand that the difference between being stressed and relaxed is the way you manage your time. Develop techniques and ways to handle your time when you are relaxed. It will help you greatly when you are not.

Relationships

Many people feel pressured regarding their relationships with their boss, partners, friends, parents, in laws, kids, employees, clients, etc. Most of the time, the pressure builds when there is a verbal or non-verbal expectation to behave differently.

The solution to pressure from others is confidence! Personal development is a way of building confidence. You learn about yourself, your desires, your mind and your attitude and you learn to design your life to your advantage.

Inability to switch off

Many people, when feeling stressed, are unable to switch off from working, thinking, taking care of others or any other thing that occupies all of their being. Many times, this can cause insomnia and inability to relax. It is like riding in an ambulance with the siren on all the time. Remember, even an ambulance needs to stop to refuel and recharge. This inability to switch off does not allow people to enjoy coming home from a full day at work or enjoy a holiday they have worked hard to pay for.

Find out how many hours of sleep you need and stick to them. During stressful times, sleep even more, because stress is exhausting. Do not bring work home (if you have to, do it only after your kids are in bed). On holidays, turn your mobile phone (and every other beeping and vibrating device your own) off and avoid checking your emails. During a work day, stop every hour for a stretch, go to the toilet, talk to someone and drink some water. This will help you recharge and function better.

Indecision

Just like the urgency in making decisions in an ambulance, some people find it hard to make decisions. Deciding what house to buy and what dinner to cook can create the same feeling of stress sometimes. In a way, not making a decision is a decision in itself and people fall into the trap of waiting for divine intervention or circumstances that to make the choice for them, but this only increases their insecurity and makes it harder for them to make new decisions.

The way to handle this challenge is to remember that we are not fortune tellers and at any given time, we do the best we can. Also, we are rarely faced with life or death situations. Spaghetti or rice? Who cares? Bring it on!

Lack of significance

Some people are so insecure they depend on others to feel appreciated and happy. The need for others to fill their significance tank creates lots of stress, disappointment and later anger. Those people usually feel unheard, unappreciated and spend a lot of effort pleasing others to gain some acknowledgment, but this is a vicious cycle, because it increases the feeling of dependency and requires more appreciation from others later on.

The way to handle such stress is to learn self appreciation, self love and develop self confidence. There is always something good you can find in yourself – your smile, your manners, your sense of humor, some achievement at work, a good intention, a kind deed. Seek and ye shall find.

Use of drugs

Use of drugs comes with some physical comfort, followed by some form of panic when the drug wears off. The dependency creates lots of pressure, the need for money creates pressure and sometimes the need to hide the use creates a lot of pressure.

The only solution for this is not to use drugs!

Too much alcohol

Alcohol may be legal, but it is still a kind of drug. In the US alone, about 14 million people have been diagnosed with disorders associated with alcohol (not the occasional social drink or wine with dinner, real heavy stuff). Again, the dependency, the money required and the social shame are huge stressors. By the way, alcohol stress is a matter of life and death, because more than 100,000 deaths each year in the US are caused by excessive alcohol.

The solution is not to drink!

Narrow mindedness

Narrow minded people cannot see options in difficult situations. They feel disappointed and frustrated with many conflicts and crises in their life, but do not see any way out of them. This inability to see options and solutions creates lots of stress and a feeling of helplessness.

The way to overcome this problem is to look at situations from different points of view – big picture, more detailed, future perspective or “What would I do if this were a similar situation in a different setting?” Ask yourself “What are my options?”, “What is the worst thing that can happen if I do <each option>?” and “In two years, what will I think about this situation?”

Negativity

Negativity can cause a lot of stress. Negative people see a black future, they find faults in many things, they lack hope and motivation and this drains them of their energy. Being a negative person is like living in an ambulance while only hearing constant pain and expecting that the next patient will die and the next one and the next one … every time, all the time. Negative people forget that the ambulance is all about saving lives.

To change from a negative to a positive mindset requires the ability to see good, do good and respond in a good way to things. Focusing on a positive outcome, visualizing a good future and having positive affirmations can greatly reduce stress. The funny thing is that good exists everywhere and it only takes a decision to start seeing it.

Difficulty to self express

One of the biggest stress-causing challenges is people’s difficulty to express their feelings and their thoughts. When people bottle up, this creates pressure that may one day blow up, more often than not out of proportion.

The solution is always to find someone to talk to. It can be a friend you trust or a professional. Alternatively, you can find a creative way to express yourself. Art provides wonderful ways of self expression. It is a good idea to have such an outlet long before the tension becomes too heavy to bear. In stressful situations, find a way to rearrange your thoughts and sort out your emotions.

Everyone, without any exceptions, experiences stress in life. Being unpredictable and exciting, life contains many stressors. Instead of letting stress control you, take the responsibility of opening the door and getting out of your ambulance. There is a beautiful, safe world out there.

Happy relaxed life,
Ronit

Usually, the mind has a self talk battle inside and it sounds like this:

• I want to express how I feel, but I’m afraid they won’t listen
• I want to apply for this job, but I’m afraid of being rejected
• I want to be healthy/wealthy, but I’m afraid it will be too hard
• I want to cook my kids something new, but I’m afraid they won’t like it
• I want to see my parents, but I’m afraid my husband won’t like it
• I want to have a bath, but I’m afraid I’ll run out of time
• I want to invest in a new lawn mower, but I’m afraid it’s too expensive
• I want to be a singer, but I’m afraid no one will like my voice
• I want to excel at work, but I’m afraid I’ll have to come home late and the kids will be in bed already

As you can see from all these examples, they have a formula:

I want to <do something>,
but I’m afraid <of some negative outcome>

This formula is an anchor. It is a guarantee for us to keep the fear and stay stuck in one place.

What do you think will happen if you change the order?

I want to <do something>.
I think <there might be some negative outcome>,
but <this is why I’m going to do it anyway>

Fear is a thought. If you say “I’m afraid”, you put a barrier between your desire and achieving it, but when you say “I think”, you simply state that the outcome may not be to your liking.

• I want to express how I feel. I think they won’t listen, but my feelings are very important.
• I want to apply for this job. I think of being rejected, but I have to try.
• I want to be healthy/wealthy. I think it will be too hard, but it’s too important to give it up.
• I want to cook my kids something new. I think they won’t like it, but it’s good to expose them to new things.
• I want to see my parents. I think my husband won’t like it, but I can simply go without him.
• I want to have a bath. I think I’ll run out of time, but at least I’ll be relaxed and able to enjoy myself later.
• I want to invest in a new lawn mower. I think it’s too expensive, but it will save my time and the lawn will look better.
• I want to be a singer. I think no one will like my voice, but if I don’t do it, I’ll never forgive myself.
• I want to excel at work. I think I’ll have to come home late and the kids will be in bed already, but I know they will understand and be proud of their mom and I can alternate with my husband.

Can you see the difference between the two? One “makes a big deal” of the situation, while the other is a statement of an option. The first “but” will get you stuck, while the second “but” will give you more options to investigate the priority/importance and to stretch your creativity.

How to overcome fear

Here are 6 tips to handle fear:

1. When you think you are afraid, focus on what you want. Remind yourself what will be the most wonderful outcome of going forward despite the fear. Focusing on the positive outcome of your actions is what makes people motivated.
2. Imagine the worst possible outcome. What will happy if they do not listen? What will happen if you are rejected? What is the worst thing this will actually cause you? I say to myself, “Will it kill me?” Defining the worst case scenario is a good technique to realize that the “fear of the wolf is always greater than the wolf itself”.
3. Most people feel that if something happened in the past, it will keep happening. Your fear started at some point in your life, yet you have kept it alive through many changes. Find differences between that first time and now. For example, “I didn’t parent my first child very well, so I’m afraid I’m not a good parent” can be changed to “I didn’t parent my first child very well, but now I’m a different person, because I have experienced parenting already and learned a lot”. The brain will try to find similarities to prevent you from pain, but it is your responsibility to break the connections and remind yourself that every day, with every new experience, you are learning and changing and next time will always, always be different.
4. Think of alternatives. Many times, fear is the inability to see other options. Always ask yourself if you have another option. Sometimes, when it seems you have exhausted all your options, remind yourself, “I’m sure there is a way and I haven’t found it yet!” Keep seeking and you will find!
5. Find inspiration. If you are afraid of doing something, find people who have been in the same position and talk to them. Ask them how they have overcome their fear and this will help you overcome your fears. Keep reminding yourself, “They’ve done it without any advice, so I’m in a better position and I can do it too”.
6. Sometimes fear is just overwhelm – things seem too hard, too long, too confronting or too complicated. To ease your overwhelm, chunk down the problem into manageable tasks. “Eat” it bite after bite to allow you to digest. Say, “What can I do today to move forward? What can I do that it is easy? What is in my control that I can do right now?”
7. Writing down sometimes helps people get better perspective. Write your fears on a piece of paper and put it in your pocket or wallet and look at it later. Often, just letting your fear go and coming back to it later can change how you perceive it.
8. Use positive affirmations. All you need is some statements or quotes that will encourage you to conquer your fear. Here are a few that may help. Print them, put them on your fridge, carry them in your diary and share them with your friends.

   If you are afraid of saying what you think about what is important to you, use this quote:

   

   If you are afraid of not having time use this statement:

   

   If you are afraid of what others may think about you, use this one:

   

Fears were warning signs in the past, but now they are our enemy. People live in so much fear that it becomes part of their identity – a debilitating ability.

If you want to be free of fears, remember your only war is an internal one, going on within you.

To victory and freedom,
Ronit

A very common human expression is “I wish I could go back in time and change something.Then my life would be different. I wish I could have a second chance”. Let’s explore this a bit, shall we?

Pick an event in your life, which you would give anything to go back to and change. Being unfair to someone close, breaking a leg because you weren’t careful enough, getting caught doing something you shouldn’t have done or anything else you wish hadn’t happened. Think of what this events caused in your life – pain, embarrassment, failure, etc, and make sure you’ve chosen an event you feel very strongly about.

Now, roll back your life to the point in time just before that event. But here’s the catch: you can’t take with you any of the knowledge and skills you’ve accumulated since the event. You must go back to being exactly the same you from before the event took place.

Now, ask yourself this question:

Given a second chance, but being exactly who you were then, with the same fears, same understanding, same beliefs, same knowledge, same mindset, could you really change anything?

If your answer is “yes”, then ask yourself this:

Why didn’t you do it differently the first time?

It’s OK. Take a deep breath, think about it, and the answer will come … you couldn’t, because you didn’t know better, or didn’t have the required skills and missed by a second, or whatever the reason. If the same you was put in the very same situation exactly, you would get the exact same results as you did the first time. In fact, you could go back there a million times and still get the exact same results.

How frustrating! Or is it?

When we’ve done this little exercise, and when our clients have done it, we’ve found that, strangely enough, this thought provides total liberation from any guilt feelings we may have had. The reason we did stupid, cruel, painful or boring things was that they were the only things we could do at the time. Sure, now we know better, but then, we didn’t!

But why stop at a single event? If this is true for one event, isn’t it true for every event? Isn’t it true for every decision in our life? Isn’t it true for every single second we live? Sure it is.

So does this mean that we never ever make mistakes, because we always do the only thing we can do? Absolutely! We always do the one and only thing we can do, and it’s always what we consider at the time to be the best thing to do (from our point of view).

Conclusion #1: I’m OK

Let’s expand this to other people now.

First, we can start with the people we like, because it’s easiest to forgive them. You’ll quickly agree that the people you like, much like you, always do the best they can, because they are such good people. Even when they make mistakes, it’s simply because they couldn’t do any better. Therefore, they are OK too.

The next step is a bit harder, especially when we think of people who do seriously bad things, like rape or murder, but it’s as inevitable as all the previous steps. No matter how we may judge another person’s actions, the person himself is doing the best he can under the circumstances. No matter how “bad” the other person is, their genetics, background and experiences have gotten them to do what we consider to be bad, but it was still what they thought best for them.

Conclusion #2: Everyone else is OK

All this is fine and good, but what do we do with it?

Well, accepting yourself (conclusion #1) will help you relax a great deal and increase your self-confidence. It will eliminate guilt, which is a destructive feeling, from your life forever. You will be free to focus on getting the best outcomes without worrying about things too much. This will, in turn, improve the results you see in your life.

Accepting others (conclusion #2) will help your relationships tremendously, because you will no longer judge other people’s actions and words. You will become very helpful to others, being able to support them in whatever they do. You will be forgiving, because you don’t take anyone else’s actions personally. After all, they are doing the best they can. Forgiveness will help you eliminate anger. This will, in turn, improve the results you see in your life, because people around you will return your kindness and help you too.

“If I could tell the world just one thing, it would be that we’re all OK”
- Jewel

Jewel said it the best way. Yes, If I could, It would be that we’re all OK, no matter what. I have chosen to dedicate my life to teaching acceptance. I want to live you with words of hope.

“Everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end”
- Ronit Baras

Love and blessings of happiness and acceptance,
Ronit

One day, I was standing at the post office, waiting to be served, and in front of me in life were a few people, who cam to pay their bills there. While I was waiting, I looked around, and noticed a rather large sign behind the counter, which said in red, bold letter, “Avoid Penalties!”

The people who come to the post office to pay their bills are usually (and I’m not saying always) the kind of people who get a short paycheck and calculate every cent of their expenses, while being unaware of, or unable to use, automatic payment means, credit cards, etc. Many of them have bills hanging over their heads anyway, they’re afraid of losing their job, not making mortgage payments, disconnections and other threats, and now they are being warned of penalties?

Often, when I drive on the highway, I see a sign saying “Wear a seatbelt or wear a fine”, another one saying “Speed cameras are operated in this area” or even one asking “Which one would you rather ride tonight?” and showing a taxi and a police car (that one’s for people thinking of driving drunk).

Obviously, we want drivers to behave on the road and to drive safely, but what happens when the incentive given is to avoid being caught? I know I keep my eyes on the speedometer, which is really not where I should be looking when I drive. I should be looking at the road. I know that drivers, especially young ones, see these signs as a challenge and do their best to drive too fast or while intoxicated and not get caught.

Now, I can’t do much about the sign at the post office, but I did write to the government department in charge of the highway and said, “How about writing on the sign something like ‘Thank you for driving safely’?”

Well, after quite a long time, I got a call from a man, who said he was really sorry, but he couldn’t approve such a change. When I asked him why, he said “Because I don’t have the authority to approve sign changes”. I asked him, “In that case, why did you ring me? Go ahead and escalate my suggestion to the person with the proper authority”.

“Oh, no, I can’t do that”, he said. Go figure.

A few months later, I saw a sign that said “Good morning”, which was a nice start, but not quite there yet.

Anyway, my point is that threats send the wrong message to people, a disempowering message, telling them to conform to other people’s rules. Instead, it would be better to use positive reasons, even provide a “what’s in it for me” description to motivate people to do things.

My other point is that you can help change this motivation style in your immediate environment (with your employees, suppliers, kids, etc) and you can also contact the appropriate authorities and ask them if they wouldn’t mind creating a positive world through their messages to the public.

Good luck! Let me know how you go through the comment box below.