About half way through my walk, when I was already going at a good pace and feeling pretty pumped, I saw a young Chinese woman leaving one of the houses and saying goodbye to a young man standing on the doorstep.

Suddenly, the young woman noticed a bus at a stop about 200 meters away. She became visibly uptight, her pitch rose and she looked like she was asking the young man what to do (as I do not speak Chinese, this is all my interpretation).

The man gestured towards the bus and looked like he was urging the woman to run for it and try to catch it. She kept pleading with him until he joined her and they started running toward the bus stop.

By the time they decided to run and crossed the street, I had been half way to the bus and it was still there. There were no passengers in sight, its doors were closed and it kept waiting.

I looked over at the young couple running on the other side of the street. She was running half-heartedly, as if she thought the bus would surely drive away before she caught it. He was just running alongside her, slowing himself down to her pace to support her all the way.

About 30 meters before they reached the bus stop, the bus pulled out onto the road and drove away. By then, nearly 2 minutes had passed and would have caught the bus easily.

This was someone else’s business until Eden came home from the university in the evening and told me another bus story (Coincidence? Serendipity? Quantum attraction?).

Eden’s Philosophy class typically ends at 8:50pm, after which she walks to the bus station and catches the bus home. That evening, the class ran a bit longer and only finished around 9:10pm.

As she was walking towards the bus station, Eden saw her bus already standing there. She said to her friend, “Hey, that’s my bus”.

Her friend said to her, “Go ahead and catch it”.

“Will you be OK?” asked Eden, because it was that time of night.

“Sure”, said her friend, “Go for it”.

Eden sprinted towards the bus and reached it panting heavily. As she got on, the driver smiled at her and said, “You’re lucky you caught me. This is the last bus for today”.

Eden had not known it, but the buses are scheduled according to the normal end time of class, 8:50pm, which leaves plenty of time for the students to make it to the station and board their bus home. Still, when she saw the bus, she ran for it with everything she had.

The way I see it, this sums up very nicely the difference between winners and losers and presents a lesson every parent should be teaching every child repeatedly:

Nobody knows for sure what will happen in the future.

Losers live their life as if they have already lost and give up.

Winners live as if they are certain to win and give life all they’ve got

On a personal note, I was happy my own daughter was showing winning attitude. I would like to believe she got it from Ronit and me, but what I told her was, “Eden, it’s funny you’ve told me this story. Do you know what happened this morning?” And I told her about the other young woman.

If there had been even the slightest doubt in her mind that evening when she had decided to run for the bus, I hope my story helped her choose to give life all she has got every time.

Have a winning day,
Gal

Reality is a bit different, unfortunately. Most of our information feeds are controlled by a fairly small group of huge profit-driven conglomerates, which make their money by selling. To sell well, they need people to “see red”, so they inspire fear via TV news broadcasts, bold newspaper headlines and various other methods.

The result of this is the general view that violent crime is everywhere, that different people cannot live together in harmony and that all too often, the only way to sort things out is to wage war on another ethnic group or country, even at the cost of “friendly” life.

Ronit and I have lived with our kids in a number of places around the world, where there were different cultures, different languages, different food and different climates. We have lived in Arlington Texas and Sunnyvale California in the USA. We have lived in Thailand and in Singapore. We have lived in Israel and in 2 big cities in Australia. We also traveled to many places, including Mexico, France, Philippines, Korea and China.

When we arrived in each one of these places, we naturally focused on the things that were unfamiliar and strange to us, because we needed to get used to them in order to be able to live comfortably. We noticed the local clothing, the local rules of driving, the style of the local buildings, the local manners and the local money.

But after a while, once we have settled in, all we could see was people – human beings, just like us, who get up in the morning, work for a living, have a family, care for their elders and sometimes struggle with life’s mysterious ways. We noticed couples holding hands and smiling at each other, kids running around screaming with excitement and parents looking worried when their child climbed too high or went too far away. We heard complaints about parking being hard to find, the ever rising price of fuel, the unpredictable economy and the distrust of politics. We saw women searching frantically for something in their purse and men panicking as they notice the time. We joined families as they watched big shows and played in the playground.

Everywhere we went, we saw good people.

Now, some people find it hard to spot the good people and I think I know why. You see, by design, our brains interprets anything that looks, sounds or feels like us as trustworthy and good, because it affirms us. By the same design, we become suspicious of things that look, sound or feel different to us.

The problem is there are sometimes obvious things that look different, while the similarities are harder to find and require effort.

One of the things I have said to many people many times is this:

The more you know about another person, the harder it is to judge them. If you knew everything about them, everything they did would seem like the best thing to do and the obvious choice. Being them, you would do exactly what they do

Ronit and I have immersed ourselves and our kids in other cultures and gradually understood more and more of their customs. People who live in the same culture all their life (especially in the same place) and receive filtered information about other groups and other places are not likely to find that understanding. When they bump into people who do things differently to their local custom, they suspect them and protect themselves against their influence.

In many places in Europe, the population is rapidly becoming heterogeneous, especially since the Soviet Union was dissolved and the European Union was established. In the USA, over 1.1 million people became permanent residents in 2008 alone and over 4.4 million from 2005 to 2008.

Australia is a country of immigrants. Of nearly 24 million residents, over 4.4 million (18.3% of the population) were born outside of Australia, mostly from non-English speaking countries. In 2008, 1½ times more people were added to the population of Australia through immigration than through birth. Looking back 3 generations, most of the Australian population came from somewhere else and many still retain their original culture to some extent.

Lots of people now work with colleagues in other countries. Many serve clients in other countries or purchase from suppliers in other countries. Unfortunately, not a small number of people have lost their jobs to people in other countries.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to “stick to your own”, isn’t it? If you think about it, it is going to be far more difficult for your kids!

So what can you do?

Whenever we go out to events with a large crowd, I like to play a little game with myself (if you are smiling to yourself now, please stop it and stay focused). I choose a person, a couple or a family and make up a story about them. I watch them for a while as they move around, touch things, speak, gesture and interact with other people. Then, I imagine what it might be like to be them.

When I see a couple with stern faces who hardly talk to each other, I imagine how they got up in the morning and had a fight. When I see a little girl crying and her father comforting her, I imagine she fell and got hurt or wanted to buy something and was disappointed.

I ask myself, “What may have happened for this person to behave like this?” I try to put myself in their shoes, or rather their emotional state, sometimes by matching their body language or facial expression. I try to BE them for a second.

Some of these people are black, some are Muslim, some are Asian, some are big, some are thin, some are short, some are sunburned, some wear sandals, some wear fancy hats, some are old and some are bound to a wheelchair. I really don’t care.

To me, they are all people. Good people.

In my imagination, they feel scared, they feel happy, they worry about their relationship with their spouse or their all-of-a-sudden opinionated teenager walking around looking too inviting, they give up chatting with a friend to push their toddler on the swing, they wonder what others might be thinking about them and are surprised when a stranger (guess who) smiles at them a big smile of understanding and identification.

Often, I share my stories with Ronit and the kids. I think it is important for my kids to see good people, because they are everywhere, but they are so easy to miss. I believe that for our world to be a good place for my kids to live, they have to see the good people in it and in doing so, they will become good people too.

What about you?

Gal

But this post is not about parties or being the life and soul of them. It is about managing emotions. Specifically, it is about getting rid of negative feelings that seem to haunt us and get us into trouble often.

As a partner, a parent and a person, it is likely you find yourself in familiar situations, feeling the same familiar feeling and wondering how you got there. It may be as you walk in the door after a long day at work. It may be when some misunderstanding with your partner or your (teenage) child quickly escalates to an unpleasant exchange of verbal blows. It may just be when you look in the mirror.

The book explains that all negative feelings are some form of fear and that fear is a defensive feeling aimed at protecting our self from being hurt. Some part of us recognizes certain words or behaviors as a form of attack raises the alert by creating this protective feeling.

The thing is, the “attack” pattern may have been saved in our mind when we were little and certainly in a particular context, both of which are longer in effect. However, our reaction is a subconscious one, which means there is no time for logic, but also that to get rid of this type of reaction we must “talk” directly with our subconscious (this is called Neurolinguistic Programming or NLP).

How to let go of a common negative emotion

1. Recall a common unpleasant feeling you would like to stop having
2. Think of a “thing”, an object, an animal or even a natural phenomenon that this feeling would be if it had physical form. Imagine it right in front of you. What would this “thing” look like, sound like, taste like, smell like and feel like? Is it heavy? Is it light? Would you touch it?
3. Ask the “thing” what it is trying to protect you from and what its positive reason is for being with you so intensely for so long.
4. Let the “thing” reply. You may see, hear, taste, smell and/or feel the answer, so be patient and attentive to the answer.
5. Thank it. Give appreciation to the “thing” for being there with a positive intention.
6. Find some aspects of the “thing” that are appealing to you – its color, its voice, smell, taste, texture or movement.
7. Your “thing” may now change its shape and other attributes. If not, keep talking to the “thing”. You can use any tools or imaginary aids you like to get closer to your “thing” and develop your mutual understanding. Continue in a playful way until your “thing” has changed its form into something pleasant or completely disappeared.
8. As this is in YOUR mind, any outcome that appeals to you is good. This process is complete when you feel comfortable returning to your daily life with the confidence that your original emotion has either gone away for good or become something you would like to keep.

I was so excited about this, I nearly exploded. Right away, I decided to work on the feeling most common for digital people – overwhelm.

First, I imagined my feeling of overwhelm as a very large octopus. I did not count the arms, but there were probably more than 8 there. It was big, it was dark, it had huge bulging eyes, it was frowning, it had a shoe box in each tentacle (which I knew was something I had to do) and it kept moving all the time. I felt very overwhelmed.

When I asked the big octopus for the good reason it was there, it became quite a bit shorter and its expression changed from menacing to compassionate. It said to me in a soft voice, “I’m desperately trying to keep track of all these things for you, so you can focus on doing one task at a time and doing it well. Have I not been doing a good job?”

Then it sort of deflated a bit, shrank to my own height and move closer to me, looking self conscious. “Would you like me to leave?” it asked timidly.

“No, it’s OK”, I said, “Why don’t you just keep all this stuff somewhere else?”

“Sure”, the octopus said happily and then turned around, grew roller skates on 2 tentacles and skated away into the darkness.

I felt great, knowing I was being watched over by my friend the octopus, who was keeping my to-do list tucked away for me. My body relaxed and I smiled to myself and ran to tell Ronit and Eden.

Being you, your “thing” may be completely different. Being you, your imaginary negotiation with the “thing” may be completely different. Either way, give it a try. You will feel great afterwards and your life will change forever.

Of course, once you get the hang of it, it will be nice of you to share it with your partner and with your kids (friends and family may come a bit later).

Kids have few inhibitions imagining things, but they already have things that bother them repeatedly. Unlike many areas, imagining can be easily done without words, so kids are even better at it than adults. However, kids may not be able to “spot the troublemaker” yet, which is where you can help them greatly.

Say one of your kids displays miserable behavior often or throws temper tantrums. You can suggest to them to play an imagination game with you, in which you guide them through the steps above. They do not have to tell you what they are experiencing, but if they do, would you please come back here and tell us about it?

Happy life,
Gal

A strong light travels through the film towards the screen. You can see the beam of light getting wider as it travels through the air, showing flickers of colors and movement inside it. Follow the beam of light with your eyes as it keeps on going and getting wider, until you are facing forward and looking at a huge screen, which practically fills your entire fields of vision.

As you look, you become absorbed in the movie, finding yourself emotionally attached to some of the characters, fearing some of the others, hating a few and getting carried away with the story.

Real life is very much the same. We become absorbed in our own story, which we project onto the world. When we interact with other people, we each look at our own “film” and can get into all kinds of trouble.

What?!

Well, our beliefs are like film. Once we have them, they tend to just stick with us and shed different kinds of light on different parts of our life.

For example, if we have a belief we are not good enough, this will cast a dark shadow on all of our successes. Realistically, we can always find something to improve. Even if we got an A+ on an exam, we can tell ourselves we are not done with school yet. Even if we have great primary-school-aged kids, we can tell ourselves we might have problems when they become teens. This way, we remain not good enough.

On the other hand, if we have a belief we are friendly and social, this will brighten up every human encounter for us. No matter what someone says, we will quickly find something good about it or use the opportunity to be nice to that person and make the interaction more positive. Either way, we remain friendly and social.

Here is a story to illustrate how this works.

In my circle of family and friends, I am famous for troubleshooting computer problems. I know a fair bit, I like the detective work involved, I have the determination and I like to help and make people happy. So from time to time, I get calls for help with someone’s computer.

Unfortunately, many of them are too far away, which means I cannot see what they are doing and I must rely on them to do as I say and be accurate in their description of what happens at their end.

One day, Ronit’s sister Ora called with a problem. Full of enthusiasm, I started asking her to check different things, until she gave me an answer that did not make any sense to me. I asked her again to do the same thing, but she could not find the buttons and details I was talking about.

After a while, I asked her what she was looking at and realized she had not done exactly as I had said and was looking at a different window than the one in my mind. I backtracked and we kept going from where she was, but inside, I felt she did not trust me enough and was trying her own troubleshooting instead of doing exactly as I said.

At some point, she again told me things that made no sense. I am not very proud of the next bit, but I poured my frustration on her. In the end, we worked out the problem, but both of us were left feeling badly, although I had helped her and her problem had been solved.

To let off my steam, I asked Ronit to walk with me around the block and told her I felt her sister had not trusted me. Ronit, who had witnessed the whole conversation, surprised me by saying, “If you go over what happened again, you’ll see it was you who didn’t trust Ora”.

I nearly blew up at that, but being the open-minded person that I am (what a great belief to have), we retraced the interaction and I realized I had indeed assumed Ora had misinformed me of things or done the wrong thing, but I had also made mistakes and could have interpreted her actions in other ways, which Ronit was able to do.

Ronit then summarized it for me by saying, “You see yourself in the world around you. You could not trust another person, so all you could see is another person not trusting you and another person who could not be trusted. Had you looked at the same situation without the suspicion, things would have turned out differently”.

This is how projection works. There is a proverb that describes it very nicely, saying, “A camel can only see the other camels’ humps”.

There are many things involved in projecting – communication styles, love languages, beliefs, values and needs – but a critical one (and a hard one to overcome, unfortunately) is interpreting everything from our own point of view at the center of the universe. When we do this, people do things to us, for us and against us, when in fact, they do everything to benefit themselves.

Here is a quick exercise you can do to notice your projection and possibly overcome some challenges by changing it. I would suggest doing this privately and with your eyes closed in a quiet spot first, when you are nice and relaxed, and trying to do it as things happen later on, after you have had some practice.

Think back to a heated conversation you have had lately, which has left you confused and irritated. Go over it step by step (to the best of your ability) and do the following:

1. Start with a frozen picture of yourself and the other person at the beginning of your argument
2. Leave your body and stand outside the discussion space
3. “Play” you or the other person saying a sentence or expressing an idea
4. Freeze the picture
5. Examine the your body language and facial expression
6. Examine the other person’s body language and facial expression
7. You may already have a glimpse of the difference in each person’s feeling and point of view, but if you do not, float into that person’s body, associate with them fully and see the world through their eyes for a bit until you feel the understanding sinking in
8. “Play” the next step
9. When you are certain you have gained enough understanding to do things differently next time, float back into yourself, return to here and now, take a deep breath, smile and slowly open your eyes

As a parent, of course, the other person is likely to be your partner, but may very well be one of your kids. When you try to associate with your kids‘ feelings, remember that young kids generally feel small and helpless and teenagers generally feel confused, overwhelmed and inadequate. Also, kids do not fully comprehend everything you say.

Another good projection exercise is to ask yourself, “Where have I felt like this before? Do I feel like this often?” If the answer is “Yes”, ask yourself, “When was the very first time I felt like this?”

Our past experiences, most often from our childhood, play in our minds repeatedly like well-rehearsed stories. They are so familiar to us, they seem to be the only way to behave, but they are not. Obviously, when you feel good with something, the more you do it, the better, but when a familiar scene makes you feel bad, just noticing it may already break its automatic nature and make you aware.

Again, find a quiet spot and some quiet time, close your eyes and revisit the very first time you experienced the unpleasant chain of events. Analyze it by looking at it from the outside and from each participant’s point of view, noting how different things were from here and now. When you are certain you have learned enough to break the repetitive story, come back to the room, breathe deeply, smile and slowly open your eyes.

I would love to read your experiences with these little imaginary adventures. Please come back and share when you have done one or two.

Live in a loving world,
Gal

She paced back and forth and stormed, “I never see myself not having money for food or sleeping in my car because I have no home to sleep in. I never see myself without a family to support me. All I got from these presenters was that I must get very low if I want to be successful, which means I’ll never be successful. What kind of motivation technique is this?”

I said to her, “I’m sure that’s not what they meant” and tried to convince her to find something she could still learn from her experience, but it was no good.

4 years later, I think this course has done more damage to her attitude than I thought initially (although it may still contribute to her personality and attitude towards life in a positive way).

Yesterday, at dinnertime, Gal told the kids about Steve Jobs’ famous speech at a Stanford graduation. We had talked about this speech before, but this time, Gal told the kids about Steve Jobs’ adoptive parents, his 7-mile walk to get a meal and how he had collected 5-cent coins by returning coke cans and sleeping on the floor in friends’ rooms. For a while, Eden listened and asked question, but as soon as Gal started talking about Steve being so poor, she switched off.

4 years after her loud confident protest, Eden protested again.

You see, Eden is now 20 years old. She has a diploma in Event Management, she is starting her degree in Psychology next week, she works at one of the biggest festivals in town, she is very responsible and successful at everything she touches and she is has a bunch of money saved already (this is just some pride therapy). That is why she totally rejects hitting rock bottom as a motivation technique.

That made me think about myself.

Do I use rock bottom? Yes, I do! Really? Yes, really!

When? When I write… when I speak on stage… whenever I need to encourage myself… when I want to motivate someone…

Why do I do that? Well, I don’t know… I’m not sure… Maybe because it describes the improvement better!

Then I understood why she protested.

Which would you appreciate more, a kid who gets a “B” in Math in semester 1 and an “A” in semester 2, or a kid who gets a “D” in Math test in semester 1 and an “A” in semester 2?

Because we are very impressed with the improvement, the second kid gets extra points from most people.

Let’s try another example. Who gets your bonus points now?

Lisa opened a laundry business with a $20,000 investment she had worked very hard to save. After two years, she sold it successfully for $1,000,000.

Laura opened a book shop with a $150,000 investment she had worked very hard to save. She sold it after 2 years for $1,000,000.

Is this fair?

Do we only notice the difference between the starting point and the ending point? Where is the real starting point? Is it really when they opened their businesses, or maybe it was when they started working and saving money? What is success? Starting harder (Lisa) or starting easier (Laura)? Who was more successful at saving money?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that using rock bottom as a motivating technique may be a story we tell ourselves to justify getting ourselves (intentionally or unintentionally) to such a low place. I can hear my daughter saying, “What would you be saying if you were still in a bad state?”

It is true. We never see or hear the people who hit rock bottom and stay there!

Giving extra points to underdogs is very disempowering to successful people. I can hear my daughter saying, “Mom, don’t you always say the best thing to do is to point out positive things and achievements if we want to see more of them?”

Ouch!

I strongly believe that overusing the rock bottom technique promotes celebrity idolizing, lottery addiction and overnight success chasing. I can hear my daughter saying to me, “Mom, I never want to hit rock bottom to succeed. I would rather sleep in my soft, heated bed, have a family that supports me, enjoy my food at home or at a restaurant, study something I love and be successful”.

You know what? As her mother, I would like that too! Wouldn’t you?

Ahhh, the joys of parenthood. I have a daughter who is wise beyond her years. I am so proud of her.

Happy parenting,
Ronit

As promised, here is Steve Jobs’ speech (highly recommended viewing):

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Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves; vanity, to what we would have others think of us
- Jane Austen

Two weeks ago, I ran a leadership camp for 26 kids from five different schools. For two days, I asked them many times what made them proud. Believe it or not, it was not easy for everyone to reply. From as early as 12 years old, though the definition of “proud” is “Feeling pleasurable satisfaction over an act, possession, quality or relationship by which one measures one’s stature or self-worth”, many kids thought that being proud meant boasting or being arrogant.

In the morning, I told them about a game Gal had made up, which is written on our white board at home, “I’m proud of me!”

As kids, we learned that pride is the territory of adults who show off with their “possessions”. Parents were proud of their kids for doing what was expected and when the kids’ behavior improved, the parents’ status improved as well. Teachers did exactly the same. The older generation used statements of pride to build a sense of belonging and set standards.

In the “olden days”, being proud of yourself involved the risk of being considered arrogant and only people in superior social standing could afford to take that risk. I thought the definition of pride has long changed from external approval to recognizing self worth. So I was very surprised to hear the adults in the camp, who are leaders and educators, sharing stories of hiding their own success to avoid being seen as bragging by others.

Despite many social changes and a personal development trend, kids are still dependent on external pride, grow up to be adults starving for external pride and raise kids dependent on external pride…

Time to change

As a life coach, I find that most of the personal development process is refining the definition of life experiences and finding healthy, empowering definitions that will help us move forward to a happy, healthy and fulfilling life. In other words, if you are not happy, it means your definitions of happiness, fear, anxiety, wealth, relationships and so on are making you unhappy and need to change.

One of my clients once said to me, “Ronit, but this is just a change in my mind, not in real life”, so I said, “It’s a change in your mind and therefore, it is a change in your real life, because your mind is real life”.

It is as simple as that – you change your definitions, then your thoughts, ideas and actions change and there you have it, a changed reality, only this time it is the change you have been looking for.

I would like to use this opportunity to spread the word about the importance of refining the definition of being proud in yourself as fuel for the engine of your personal development.

I will be proud of myself if by the end of this article, I can convince you that there is a big difference between arrogance and pride in yourself and that you should be proud of yourself, because it will make you happy.

Ronit’s new rules

Growing up in a house that confused pride with arrogance and never hearing the word “I am proud of you” was not very helpful in making me proud of myself (being a sick girl and a bad student with a bad behavior did not help either). I remember glimpses of pride when I hit a ball in a street game and being good at sports, but generally, pride was not part of my emotional vocabulary.

I was 16 when things changed for me, after being kicked out of high school at the end of Grade 10. I realized that my definition of life was leading me to a very sad place. I cried for days and agonized over this for hours, until I discovered that my self esteem was extremely dependent on what my parents and teachers thought or said about me and that I could not encourage myself at all.

You see, until that moment, I did not think I had any control over my life, because I had been giving that control to others whose job, I thought, was to provide for me. They were busy “feeding me fish”, but never taught me how to “fish” for myself. My emotional food was their approval and external rewards and I was doomed to starve, because I did not know how to fulfill my own needs. The people around me helped me get up in the morning and go to school using punishments and school grades, but I never learned what I needed to tell myself in order to motivate myself to get up in the morning. Realizing that my definition of what needs to drive me forward is pathetic was painful and from this pain, I was driven to change the definition.

So I said to myself

Whatever other people think about motivation, success, health and good relationships is only theirs, not mine. Their thoughts and ideas may lead them to motivation, success, health and good relationships, but not me. How they navigate their life may be good for them, but not me. If I want to control my own life, I need to find my own definitions and my own ways!

And I started my personal development journey right then and there.

Many years have passed since this first awareness. The good thing about personal development is that it never ends and even when you think you have reached a desired state or understanding, there are higher states and understandings waiting for you to reveal them. The most important things I refined when I was 16 were my basic rules of living. When life was tough and no one could save me from myself, all I had to focus on was following them and so I did. Religiously, slowly, one action after the other, I used my new rules to guide me. Here are the rules I followed:

1. Life is a personal journey. No one can make you feel anything, either good or bad. Stop blaming others and expecting others to motivate you. You are the captain or your own ship, so take charge!
2. Everything that happens in life must move you forward. Although this may seem strange, pain can also help you move forward. If you are stuck, feel overwhelmed or hurt too much to recognize a step forward, ask yourself, “What good can come out of this?” Ask and you will find the answer. I have gone through some tough things, yet a lot came out of them when I asked the right questions. And if you saying to yourself, “Ronit, but it was all in your mind”, you are right – it was and it still is.
3. Life is a choice! Regardless of how horrible the situation is, you have a choice. Practice choosing. I could choose to be a good student, I could choose to behave, I could choose to be healthy and you know what, when I realized it, I chose all these things!
4. Do not mix choosing and being a fortune teller. Every day is the first day of your new life. You can plot a new course and sail to a new destination, but you cannot predict the weather, who you will meet on your journey or how those will affect your trip. Do not waste time and energy trying to predict the future. Some choices will work and others will not – choose anyway! If you want to hit a target, you have to practice shooting.
5. Happy moments and success experiences are the fuel of every progress on your personal development journey and it is your responsibility to refill your own motivation tank. What I appreciate about myself and my life, what I have achieved, what I can now do better, what I have learned (especially from failures) and what I am proud of provide the energy for a happy life. It was easy – I made a list of happy moments and achievements, skills and things I was grateful for and looked at them whenever I felt down. I still do this! Over 25 years later, I am teaching others to use this technique and it works for them too.
6. Do not confuse being proud with being arrogant and putting others down. Being proud of yourself is “feeling happy and satisfied about an action, decision, quality, possession or association that positively reflects on my confidence and self worth and I do not need anyone to feel bad for me to be happy and satisfied with myself”. Suddenly, after defining this, others around me could be wonderful and great and I swapped envy with inspiration.

Refining my basic rules of life has helped me move from darkness to light, where social life was wonderful (I started going out with Gal), academic success was easy (6 months after being accepted on probation to Grade 11, I received an excellence award for academic achievement), my relationship skills improved (a month into Grade 11, I started editing the school newsletter and joined the school council) and the ride since has been much smoother.

The pride game

The last 6 months have been a long and wonderful “Pride Therapy” for us (highly recommended!). We were proud of overcoming Gal’s health challenges and the stress and anxiety concerning my sisters and my new nephews. We were proud of our successes at work, new projects and the wonderful successes of our kids (which positively reflect on our confidence and self worth as parents). All these motivated us to move forward.

But our proud moments were occasional and mostly related to external events. We needed some ongoing way to feel we are on the right track. We needed something daily.

One day, Gal returned from his morning walk and wrote on our white board “I’m proud of myself”. When we sat down for dinner, he said, “Today, we will start a new game, called ‘I’m proud of myself’. When we describe our day, each of us will tell the rest about things he or she is proud of” and I thought, “Yes, this is brilliant. What a great way to ‘learn to fish’”. It took only 2-3 days for the kids to get the hang of it and we got a chance to declare our pride in our achievements and efforts out loud and hear ourselves saying them. It felt great.

On camp, at night, when the kids went to bed, I entered their rooms and told them that at night, before they go to bed, it is a good time to fuel their ships with motivation by going over the day and taking happy moments and successes that positively reflect on the way they see themselves. We then had one round of “I’m proud of myself” in each room.

Just before kids went home from camp, I asked them to tell me about the most meaningful things they got from our time together. To me, if they took nothing but ways to fuel themselves and reduce the dependency, I had done great. Kathleen, my wonderful and inspiring Together for Humanity partner, wrote what they said on a piece of paper.

Every other word was “proud”.

I left home that afternoon tired and happy, knowing this could fuel me for a long time. I was very proud of myself!

Wishing you a proud life,
Ronit

Also, every two people are different in some way and so, when person A’s actions affect person B’s life, invariably there is some form of feedback from person B to let person A know. In the purest sense of the word, this is criticism.

A quick look at Internet-based dictionaries reveals the following definitions:

• Feedback is “The return of information about the result of a process or activity; an evaluative response”
• Criticism is “A comment expressing fault, interpretation, analysis, verbal disapproval”

Say your partner likes vanilla ice cream and you like chocolate. Your partner goes shopping and comes back with vanilla. No chocolate. Bummer!

Obvious criticism that will get you shaking your head and saying, “This is not the way to behave” is when you frown and say angrily, “You’re so selfish, you know? You only got the kind of ice cream you like, but what about me?”

Name-calling is just bad form, and so is the assumption of selfish intent, so we will just label this example as a clear-cut no-no and move on.

Here is another approach. You help your partner unpack and put away and casually say, “Honey, could you get some chocolate ice cream next time?”

If you are in a good mood as you read this, or if you take criticism easily, it may seem to you that this is a very nice way to deal with the situation – it is future-focused, presented as a request and contains nothing obviously negative. But there are people and there are times and moods when this request can be taken just as badly as if you were being horrible about not getting your kind of ice cream.

The way I see it, even the most well intended, forward-thinking, let’s-work-together comment will be taken as (severe) criticism if one or more of the following is true:

1. The recipient is past-focused and interprets the comment as “You didn’t get me the ice cream I like this time”, instead of “please do it next time”
2. The recipient over generalizes and interprets the comment as “You never get me the ice cream I like”, as opposed to “this time”
3. The recipient personalizes and interprets the comment as “You are a selfish person” (identity-level), instead of “You didn’t buy my ice cream” (action-level)
4. The recipient presumes to tell the future and interprets the comment as “Now he/she’s going to be mad at me”
5. The recipient catastrophizes and thinks “This is horrible and I can’t live with it”, instead of “It’s only ice cream”

Put together, a seemingly innocent request for ice cream is received as “You never get me my ice cream, you are selfish and I’m going to be mad at you forever!”

The magic cure for criticism

You will be happy to know there is a very good cure for criticism. It is so good it applies equally to both people in any relationship and can boost their respective self-esteems. It involves the following belief:

I always do the best I can

Important notes:

• You are doing the best you can subconsciously. You may be aiming for things you are not aware of, like satisfying your need for significance or variety or protecting your sense of identity.
• You always do the best you can for you. Whenever others are hurt by your actions or words, this is not what you mean. Even when you deliberately and knowingly say or do something nasty to someone else, your true goal is to improve your own feeling and the other person is an unfortunate casualty.

Essentially, believing that people always do the best they can will stop you from blaming them for not doing what you want just because you want it. Any feedback you give them will then be positive, future-focused and presented as a request. If they think your request is good for them and is within their power, they will do it.

Believing that you always do the best you can will stop you from being defensive when others present their view of things and their desires. Maybe you did not know something, maybe you were tired, maybe you were angry, it does not matter. You always do the best you can.

Unfortunately, most people do not have this belief. This is not surprising, because we are surrounded by self-centered people who put demands on our time and attention and do their best to link our self-esteem to how happy we make them. Most notable is parents’ (and teachers’) habit of saying to kids “Good boy/girl” (identity-level statement) when they do what they are expected to do and “Bad boy/girl” when they do not.

How to believe the best about yourself

Find a quiet, private place for this exercise, where you can spend a few minutes undisturbed. After you read the rest of the instructions, sit comfortably, take a few deep breaths and close your eyes.

Think of something in your life you deeply regret. It may be something you have done or something you have said and even something you “could have done/said” but did not. With the memory, you may feel a variety of negative emotions, such as guilt, shame, inadequacy and sadness.

Now answer this question: If you rolled back time and went back to being that same person at that time and place, could you do anything differently?

Many people say, “Of course. With what I know now…” But you are going back to being the same person. No new knowledge, no new abilities, not even from 1 second later. The exact same person, in the same mood and with the same mindset.

As long as you think the answer is “Yes”, keep asking yourself, “So why didn’t you?”

If you get tempted to think, “But I should have”, keep asking yourself, “But could I?”

Eventually, you are bound to realize the person you were at that time and place, following the events that came just before, having your unique background, beliefs and needs could only do the very thing you did. It was your only option.

The only conclusion possible from this exercise is that you always do the best you can. If it was in your power or within your (emotional) abilities to do anything better, you would have done it for sure.

And the same is true for everybody else!

Have an empowering life,
Gal

Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines
- Robert Schuller

When I write about life lessons, I think that every experience in life can be somehow written as a lesson. It is almost as if everything that happens to us is meant to teach us a lesson that will guide us on our way forward.

The word “lesson” makes most people see themselves sitting in a class with a teacher talking at the front. Many times, it brings up extra homework and fear about being tested on subjects learned. What a shame, because life is a long lesson, with lots of work (at home and outside of home) and daily tests!

Believe it or not, about 20 years ago, I managed to get a group of kids (1½ to 4 years old) to think that life can become a great lesson if only we ask the right question. For them, there were no failures in life, only opportunities to learn. They were so young and uncorrupted by life’s heartaches, I could convince them to think whatever I wanted, so I did!

Later on, I traveled around the world with my program and realized that our perception of life depends on our definition of happiness, knowledge, curiosity, success and failure.

What have I learned today?

If you want to know how those kids felt, look at every experience as fun and learning. Instead of asking “How was it?” ask “What have I learned from it?” Try this every day before going to sleep and allow your mind to extract the learning from the events, thoughts and emotions of the day.

We learn many things all day, every day. Writing down your learnings is a good way to remember them better. Keep a notepad next to your bed and write down your answers to the question “What have I learned today?”

Today, I want to share with you (some of) my notes from this month. I wrote them on notepads not only next to my bed but in the car, in my bag and in my diary. I hope my notes contain some useful learnings for you too:

1. Every time my son (Tsoof) performed, every time he wrote music, every time he played his guitar or practiced for his big audition, I learned that pride and satisfaction are my rewards for waiting such a long time for him to be born.
2. When I went to give a talk at the festival my daughter (Eden) helped organize, everyone came to me and told me “You have the most wonderful daughter in the world”. I learned that, although I did not need other people to tell me that, it made me feel so proud!
3. When I went this month to meet the teacher of my youngest daughter (Noff), I discovered her class would not have enough time to cover all the required material for the national exam and I learned (again) that the responsibility for my kids’ education was, is and will always be mine.
4. At the same meeting, the teacher asked me if we were coming to see Noff dancing with all the year level and I said “Of course!” She said she wanted to make sure, because Noff would receive a special dance award. I learned that she asked it because many parents just don’t come. We would have gone anyway.
5. After discovering my husband (Gal) had a skin cancer and having a stressful month, I learned (again) the importance of emotional strength and good attitude. I learned (again) that life throws many tests at us and we are much stronger than we think we are. Every time we get up in the morning, we have passed that test.
6. During the surgery, time in the hospital, doctors and more doctors, I learned to appreciate the value of health insurance. Thank God money was not an item on our worries list.
7. While Gal was recovering from his surgery and friends came over, I learned how important it is to have friends and how valuable they are in times of joy, but also times of trouble.
8. Every second I worked with “Together for Humanity” to promote living in harmony, I learned how much I love being around kids. I learned they give me strength and I love them so much, I probably get from them more than I give them.
9. This month, we met a new family. They came over for dinner and we had a wonderful time together. I learned that I love meeting new people. I had a chance to meet so many new people this year, it has made me very happy.
10. Both of my sisters were pregnant. One was in hospital for more than 8 weeks, counting hours and days to keep her precious pregnancy and avoid having a premature baby. The other was suffering pain and sleepless nights and considered herself lucky. I learned that when I see someone going through bad things, it makes it easier to pass my own tests.
11. I learned that worrying about my sisters from far away makes me feel helpless and I am not very good with feeling helpless. How can I help if I feel so helpless? I need help myself!
12. In over two months of worrying about my sisters, I learned that my own scars never disappear. I could feel the tension building up in me and all the demons ran loose again. I needed to meditate a lot!
13. I learned that being on Skype two to three times a day with my sisters makes me miss them badly and questions (again) my decision to live on the other side of the world from them.
14. After a year of not using our Jacuzzi, we wrote the yearly goals with the kids and Eden wrote she would love to fix the Jacuzzi and use it more often. With her encouragement, we did! We used it move than 10 times in the last 2 months. Now, every time we do this, Tsoof brings his guitar and plays and we sing and we are so happy, so I learned that asking the kids to share their goals and desires with us contributes a lot to our relationship as a family.
15. This month, Gal and I decided to buy Tsoof a music editing program and to hide it from him until we got it from overseas. I learned that it is very hard for me to keep a secret, but it was well worth it just to see his reaction when we showed him our gift.
16. It took me over 3 weeks to organize a professional development training day, but it was very, very successful so I learned that I’m really good at this!
17. I did a presentation about acceptance and stereotyping at the Ideas Festival in Brisbane for 220 kids with two of my team members. The kids were so cooperative I learned that my work helps me live my purpose of making a difference every day. I learned (again) that education is a great way to make a making difference.
18. I managed to tell jokes on stage at the Ideas Festival and I hoped my kids could hear me. They think (and I agree) that I am not funny at all. I learned that I can be.
19. I received a notice about fees for my kids’ activities at school. I compared what I needed to pay to how happy my kids were at those activities and I learned that I am lucky and happy to be able to allow them to experience so many wonderful programs at school.
20. My laptop is now one year old. This month, I discovered it cannot burn CDs (though it should be able too), but since I had never tried, I did not know how long it had been like that. I learned that, I need to use all the functions of everything I buy in the first month.
21. Just planning our camping for the school break made me so happy I have learned that looking forward to something fun can be a great motivator.
22. Every time I get into the laundry room and look at the shelf unit we have built, which makes the room look so clean and organized, I am happy and proud. From the long quest to organize the laundry room, including attempts to paint the doors, bring in another closet and use a screen wall, I learned that trying one more time and then one more time is the right way to find solutions.
23. When I sat next to a group of people talking about the hassles of having the kids at home during school break, I learned that, although there are challenges to working at home, it provides the huge advantage of looking forward to spending time differently with your kids during the holidays.
24. We watched our kids’ videos from 11 and 19 years ago, which showed the kids themselves, as well as their little sister, what they were like as young kids. I learned (again) the importance of making videos of your kids. The memories of every smart thing they did and their first words do fade and videos are a great way to bring them back to life. I also learned that it was an awesome experience for 7-year-old Noff to see her siblings, who are 7 and 12 years old older than her, in diapers, taking their first walking steps.
25. One of my sisters’ friends, who is 38 years old, decided to have a baby without a partner. Her family is not talking to her and her siblings and mom keep minimal contact with her for fear of her dad’s anger. She asked her mom to come and help her after the birth and her baby, but her mom said she could not come. When my mom heard this, she called my sister’s friend and told her she would come for the first few days and help her out. I learned that my mom, who is 70 years old, has a heart of gold (and I am so happy).
26. This month, I finished writing my best book yet, called “Reflections”. It is a book I have been writing for over 25 years. When I signed it with a sense of achievement and accomplishment, I learned the importance of allowing myself time to grow and evolve. I learned that some of my lifelong projects require purpose and persistence and that in hindsight, everything that happened to me, good or bad, contributes to my life story.
27. From reading the many supporting comments on “Family Matters“, I learned that making an effort to write and share every day is certainly worth it!

My learning list for this month was as big as the one from last month and I learned that my learnings are the result of the challenges, successes and joys I experience. To survive a challenge, I ask myself “What can I learn from this?” To maintain and leverage success, I ask myself “What can I learn from this?”

Not everything in life is beautiful and easy, but everything holds a lesson – a message of encouragement or a warning. When circumstances speak, all you have to do is listen.

Until next time, I wish you great, empowering lessons.

Be happy,
Ronit

Usually, the mind has a self talk battle inside and it sounds like this:

• I want to express how I feel, but I’m afraid they won’t listen
• I want to apply for this job, but I’m afraid of being rejected
• I want to be healthy/wealthy, but I’m afraid it will be too hard
• I want to cook my kids something new, but I’m afraid they won’t like it
• I want to see my parents, but I’m afraid my husband won’t like it
• I want to have a bath, but I’m afraid I’ll run out of time
• I want to invest in a new lawn mower, but I’m afraid it’s too expensive
• I want to be a singer, but I’m afraid no one will like my voice
• I want to excel at work, but I’m afraid I’ll have to come home late and the kids will be in bed already

As you can see from all these examples, they have a formula:

I want to <do something>,
but I’m afraid <of some negative outcome>

This formula is an anchor. It is a guarantee for us to keep the fear and stay stuck in one place.

What do you think will happen if you change the order?

I want to <do something>.
I think <there might be some negative outcome>,
but <this is why I’m going to do it anyway>

Fear is a thought. If you say “I’m afraid”, you put a barrier between your desire and achieving it, but when you say “I think”, you simply state that the outcome may not be to your liking.

• I want to express how I feel. I think they won’t listen, but my feelings are very important.
• I want to apply for this job. I think of being rejected, but I have to try.
• I want to be healthy/wealthy. I think it will be too hard, but it’s too important to give it up.
• I want to cook my kids something new. I think they won’t like it, but it’s good to expose them to new things.
• I want to see my parents. I think my husband won’t like it, but I can simply go without him.
• I want to have a bath. I think I’ll run out of time, but at least I’ll be relaxed and able to enjoy myself later.
• I want to invest in a new lawn mower. I think it’s too expensive, but it will save my time and the lawn will look better.
• I want to be a singer. I think no one will like my voice, but if I don’t do it, I’ll never forgive myself.
• I want to excel at work. I think I’ll have to come home late and the kids will be in bed already, but I know they will understand and be proud of their mom and I can alternate with my husband.

Can you see the difference between the two? One “makes a big deal” of the situation, while the other is a statement of an option. The first “but” will get you stuck, while the second “but” will give you more options to investigate the priority/importance and to stretch your creativity.

How to overcome fear

Here are 6 tips to handle fear:

1. When you think you are afraid, focus on what you want. Remind yourself what will be the most wonderful outcome of going forward despite the fear. Focusing on the positive outcome of your actions is what makes people motivated.
2. Imagine the worst possible outcome. What will happy if they do not listen? What will happen if you are rejected? What is the worst thing this will actually cause you? I say to myself, “Will it kill me?” Defining the worst case scenario is a good technique to realize that the “fear of the wolf is always greater than the wolf itself”.
3. Most people feel that if something happened in the past, it will keep happening. Your fear started at some point in your life, yet you have kept it alive through many changes. Find differences between that first time and now. For example, “I didn’t parent my first child very well, so I’m afraid I’m not a good parent” can be changed to “I didn’t parent my first child very well, but now I’m a different person, because I have experienced parenting already and learned a lot”. The brain will try to find similarities to prevent you from pain, but it is your responsibility to break the connections and remind yourself that every day, with every new experience, you are learning and changing and next time will always, always be different.
4. Think of alternatives. Many times, fear is the inability to see other options. Always ask yourself if you have another option. Sometimes, when it seems you have exhausted all your options, remind yourself, “I’m sure there is a way and I haven’t found it yet!” Keep seeking and you will find!
5. Find inspiration. If you are afraid of doing something, find people who have been in the same position and talk to them. Ask them how they have overcome their fear and this will help you overcome your fears. Keep reminding yourself, “They’ve done it without any advice, so I’m in a better position and I can do it too”.
6. Sometimes fear is just overwhelm – things seem too hard, too long, too confronting or too complicated. To ease your overwhelm, chunk down the problem into manageable tasks. “Eat” it bite after bite to allow you to digest. Say, “What can I do today to move forward? What can I do that it is easy? What is in my control that I can do right now?”
7. Writing down sometimes helps people get better perspective. Write your fears on a piece of paper and put it in your pocket or wallet and look at it later. Often, just letting your fear go and coming back to it later can change how you perceive it.
8. Use positive affirmations. All you need is some statements or quotes that will encourage you to conquer your fear. Here are a few that may help. Print them, put them on your fridge, carry them in your diary and share them with your friends.

   If you are afraid of saying what you think about what is important to you, use this quote:

   

   If you are afraid of not having time use this statement:

   

   If you are afraid of what others may think about you, use this one:

   

Fears were warning signs in the past, but now they are our enemy. People live in so much fear that it becomes part of their identity – a debilitating ability.

If you want to be free of fears, remember your only war is an internal one, going on within you.

To victory and freedom,
Ronit

When I was in high school, I spent many hours reading science fiction. One of the books I still remember well was called “Man Plus” by Frederik Pohl. In the book, astronaut Roger Torraway is preparing to go to Mars, which has a very different atmosphere and pressure and requires special vision. So he is fitted, among other things, with special bionic eyes.

After the eyes are implanted in his head, he wakes up from his surgery unable to see anything. He complains to the surgeon, who then tells him his eyes are connected to the same nerves as his natural ones were and instructs him to open the bionic eyes the way he opened his eyes before.

Roger searches his brain in growing panic, until he finally finds the switch. He flicks the switch on and he can see!

I have used this analogy while going on rides at theme parks. Rides are built so that you cannot see the big dip or the steep slide ahead until you are right upon it, and then, there is nothing you can do to stop the fall. The pit of your stomach is filled with fear, which is only reinforced by the screaming people all around you.

I recently went on a few rides, not having done so in a long time. As expected, whenever that horrible turn came, the knot formed in my stomach and my brain started screaming “Oh, s…”. I decided to trust the builders of the ride and remembered the people before me arriving safely at the foot of the ride and getting out with a big smile on their face. Then, although my fear did not disappear completely (those ride builders sure do a good job), it was mostly replaced by sheer enjoyment of the fall or slide, which allowed me to also pay attention to details my scared mind would have missed on the way down.

Being committed to my relationship with Ronit, I have also developed a love switch. No matter how angry I might be or how frustrated, I give myself some distance, take a few deep breaths (I exhale all the air from my chest and stomach before inhaling as much as I can) and look at her again from a neutral point of view. I ask myself, “What must she be going through to act as she has just done?”

Of course, this takes practice, but by “flicking this switch” I can now calm myself like this and imagine Ronit’s state of mind, which floods me with understanding and love towards her.

Many of our coaching clients are full of self criticism and regrets. They ask us to help them build self confidence and feel good about themselves. Knowing how damaging regret can be, Ronit and I show them how to create a new switch in their mind, the “I always do the best I can” switch.

Although this mental switch seems very useful, it too takes practice to master, but it works! After a while, our clients are able to forgive their young selves and their current selves for many things they once considered horrible and they fill with energy and a zest for life.

I used to be quite a competitive driver on the road. I would challenge myself to get everywhere in the shortest possible time, even when it did not really matter. Of course, this meant that other drivers were just a nuisance, because they were in my way, preventing me from achieving my driving goals.

Whenever we went somewhere as a family, I drove the car, but sometimes, I had to sit next to Ronit as she drove and I just went ballistic. “How can you drive so slowly? Quick, change lanes! You missed the light! What are you doing?!”

Sure, I noticed that when Ronit and I drive separate cars, starting at the same time and going to the same place, she somehow makes it to our destination within a very short time (usually just a few seconds), but I still did my best to arrive as quickly as I could.

While being coached, I created a mental switch from “I must get there as fast as I can” to “I prefer to relax and enjoy the ride”. Sometimes, I find myself cruising along, humming to myself, looking around and having a good time in the middle of heavy traffic. I look at the other drivers, smile at them and when I see one who is distressed, I think to myself, “Poor thing. It’s no use stressing on the road. It’s a lot more fun being relaxed and open”.

Last week, I was taking a walk with my son Tsoof and told him I was going to write about switches. To my surprise, Tsoof had a story of his own.

Being a highly auditory kid, Tsoof’s biggest challenge is ignoring noises and sounds. Somehow, his room seems to collect the sounds in the house and amplify them, which even I have found hard to shut out. But Tsoof told me that whenever he goes to sleep, he can decide to focus on a single thought or a single sound, like the ceiling fan or the frogs outside, and pay no attention to the rest.

“I can hear everything”, he explained to me, “But I just choose to ignore everything other than what I’m focusing on”.

Remembering that Tsoof has been meditating since he was 4 years old, I commented that this was precisely what he practices during meditation, but he said, “That’s true, but I actually read about this mind switch in Eragon“.

You learn new things every day…

Switch on the good feelings!
Gal