Yes, it happens to everyone, but stop for a minute and relive your emotions while you were having the last such conversation. Maybe you were trying to convince your kids it was really time for bed and sleep was good for them, while thinking, “I could use some peace and quiet after a long day”. Maybe you were saying to your boss, “Sure I can do this, no problem”, while thinking, “And I really hope you’ll remember this when the next layoffs come around and keep me employed”. Maybe you were saying to your partner, “Honey, you look great”, knowing full well what would happen if you said something else.

Whatever it was, see if you can detect a bit of pressure in yourself.

This pressure comes from what professionals call “incongruence”, which is when your behavior disagrees with your beliefs. It is the opposite of feeling whole and complete and of being at peace inside.

Not that movies are anything like real life, but I found myself thinking about this issue while I was watching the movie “State of Play“. Cal McAffrey, played by Russell Crow, has his share of problems, but throughout most of the film, he says simple, honest things to the people around him. Being a reporter, he needs to hide what he knows and what he wants to do from people, but instead of beating around the bush, he says, “I can’t tell you about it now, but I have to go” or “It’s going to be tough, but do you really want to get the story?”

There is one particular scene, in which his ex-lover, played by Robin Wright-Penn, tries to seduce him and he softly says to her, “I’m really sorry, but this isn’t going to work”. He is so sincere about being sorry, while at the same time being very clear he is not going to go along.

Most people, especially Hollywood film characters, would try to manipulated the situation to avoid being uncomfortable, so I was expecting either to see him move in on her or start pretending and making excuses. When he just told it like it was, I was actually surprised.

Being a pesky life coach, I immediately began some intensive soul searching and self reflection and realized I could probably do better at getting rid of my own hidden agendas and saying what I think more often. OK, so I grew up surrounded by people who cared a lot about what others might think (not “would”, “might”, as in “there could be a one in a million chance”). That does not mean I have to live like this all my life.

So I started to experiment with saying things like, “Kids, my back really hurts. Can you please do the dishes?”, “It’s really hard for me to concentrate in this noise. Please stop” and even “It’s not exactly my taste, but I’m glad you like it” (sorry, no boss example, because I do not have one). It felt good not hiding my own feelings behind accusations or verbal maneuvers. The pressure was gone. It was nice and quiet in my head and relaxed in my chest.

In fact, I have gone further than this and said things I had meant to say many many times and things I had kept for quite some time (I am not going to quote those here). Regardless of the outcome, I felt whole and at peace with myself. I was also proud of myself for growing as a person and becoming an honest communicator.

Oddly enough, this opened the door for others to do the same, and whether they had said those things or not, I began to hear them and accept them, which made things even better.

So no more hidden agendas for me (not at home, anyway). No more being afraid of showing how I really feel. Another step towards personal freedom.

What about you?

A few weeks back, Tsoof had to choose a song from a movie to perform in class. He chose “Say” by John Mayer from the movie “The Bucket List“. He practiced at home so much we all joined in and eventually even performed this song as a family on an amateur stage. Here are the video clip and the lyrics for your enjoyment and pondering.

Happy communication,
Gal

Also, every two people are different in some way and so, when person A’s actions affect person B’s life, invariably there is some form of feedback from person B to let person A know. In the purest sense of the word, this is criticism.

A quick look at Internet-based dictionaries reveals the following definitions:

• Feedback is “The return of information about the result of a process or activity; an evaluative response”
• Criticism is “A comment expressing fault, interpretation, analysis, verbal disapproval”

Say your partner likes vanilla ice cream and you like chocolate. Your partner goes shopping and comes back with vanilla. No chocolate. Bummer!

Obvious criticism that will get you shaking your head and saying, “This is not the way to behave” is when you frown and say angrily, “You’re so selfish, you know? You only got the kind of ice cream you like, but what about me?”

Name-calling is just bad form, and so is the assumption of selfish intent, so we will just label this example as a clear-cut no-no and move on.

Here is another approach. You help your partner unpack and put away and casually say, “Honey, could you get some chocolate ice cream next time?”

If you are in a good mood as you read this, or if you take criticism easily, it may seem to you that this is a very nice way to deal with the situation – it is future-focused, presented as a request and contains nothing obviously negative. But there are people and there are times and moods when this request can be taken just as badly as if you were being horrible about not getting your kind of ice cream.

The way I see it, even the most well intended, forward-thinking, let’s-work-together comment will be taken as (severe) criticism if one or more of the following is true:

1. The recipient is past-focused and interprets the comment as “You didn’t get me the ice cream I like this time”, instead of “please do it next time”
2. The recipient over generalizes and interprets the comment as “You never get me the ice cream I like”, as opposed to “this time”
3. The recipient personalizes and interprets the comment as “You are a selfish person” (identity-level), instead of “You didn’t buy my ice cream” (action-level)
4. The recipient presumes to tell the future and interprets the comment as “Now he/she’s going to be mad at me”
5. The recipient catastrophizes and thinks “This is horrible and I can’t live with it”, instead of “It’s only ice cream”

Put together, a seemingly innocent request for ice cream is received as “You never get me my ice cream, you are selfish and I’m going to be mad at you forever!”

The magic cure for criticism

You will be happy to know there is a very good cure for criticism. It is so good it applies equally to both people in any relationship and can boost their respective self-esteems. It involves the following belief:

I always do the best I can

Important notes:

• You are doing the best you can subconsciously. You may be aiming for things you are not aware of, like satisfying your need for significance or variety or protecting your sense of identity.
• You always do the best you can for you. Whenever others are hurt by your actions or words, this is not what you mean. Even when you deliberately and knowingly say or do something nasty to someone else, your true goal is to improve your own feeling and the other person is an unfortunate casualty.

Essentially, believing that people always do the best they can will stop you from blaming them for not doing what you want just because you want it. Any feedback you give them will then be positive, future-focused and presented as a request. If they think your request is good for them and is within their power, they will do it.

Believing that you always do the best you can will stop you from being defensive when others present their view of things and their desires. Maybe you did not know something, maybe you were tired, maybe you were angry, it does not matter. You always do the best you can.

Unfortunately, most people do not have this belief. This is not surprising, because we are surrounded by self-centered people who put demands on our time and attention and do their best to link our self-esteem to how happy we make them. Most notable is parents’ (and teachers’) habit of saying to kids “Good boy/girl” (identity-level statement) when they do what they are expected to do and “Bad boy/girl” when they do not.

How to believe the best about yourself

Find a quiet, private place for this exercise, where you can spend a few minutes undisturbed. After you read the rest of the instructions, sit comfortably, take a few deep breaths and close your eyes.

Think of something in your life you deeply regret. It may be something you have done or something you have said and even something you “could have done/said” but did not. With the memory, you may feel a variety of negative emotions, such as guilt, shame, inadequacy and sadness.

Now answer this question: If you rolled back time and went back to being that same person at that time and place, could you do anything differently?

Many people say, “Of course. With what I know now…” But you are going back to being the same person. No new knowledge, no new abilities, not even from 1 second later. The exact same person, in the same mood and with the same mindset.

As long as you think the answer is “Yes”, keep asking yourself, “So why didn’t you?”

If you get tempted to think, “But I should have”, keep asking yourself, “But could I?”

Eventually, you are bound to realize the person you were at that time and place, following the events that came just before, having your unique background, beliefs and needs could only do the very thing you did. It was your only option.

The only conclusion possible from this exercise is that you always do the best you can. If it was in your power or within your (emotional) abilities to do anything better, you would have done it for sure.

And the same is true for everybody else!

Have an empowering life,
Gal

Stress is a feeling of pressure that produces adrenalin and creates a sense of urgency. Stress is exhausting and limits our ability to respond. There are so many physical symptoms linked to stress that some theories suggest most of humanity’s problems are caused by stress. Some of the symptoms are irritability, inability to focus, headaches, increased heart rate, muscle tension, insomnia (inability to sleep), confusion, high blood pressure, frequent illness and various types of pain.

Living in stress is like living in an ambulance all your life. You are on the road most of the day, you live in a small space, not many people around, everything is difficult, your decisions are all about life and death, mistakes are critical, there is no time to waste, not time for fun, not enough time and space to make your own meals, you see (too) many doctors, you develop a dark view of the world from frequent exposure to accidents, drink driving, violence and self neglect. Through the eyes of the stressed person life sucks!

There are many reasons for people to feel stressed. Often, it is the accumulation of more than one source of stress that creates enough pressure to exhaust people.

Historically, body’s mechanism to handle a real threat was the “fight or flight” response, which would a massive surge of energy for a short period of time. However, when this mechanism is triggered too often, our body runs out of energy.

Unfortunately, over the years, people started to react strongly to frequent, minor triggers. Something that someone says to us can be a threat, something that does not happen the way we expect can be a threat, but those things build up until our response to them is similar to “fight or flight”.

Even more unfortunately, this trend is only increasing.

What can cause stress?

Poor diet

Unfortunately, when stressed, people tend to eat things that interfere with the absorption of nutrients. Lack of vitamins and minerals can cause stress, creating a vicious cycle – you are stressed, therefore you do not eat well, but then your body lacks nutrients and you become more stressed…

In this case, it is important in stressful situations to stick to healthy eating. Have an emergency plan for emergency situations and stick to it. If you are stressed, ask yourself “What do I need to eat to give my body enough nutrients for me to relax?”

Change

Most people find it hard to deal with change. Even planned changes like moving to a new job or moving to a new house create a sense of pressure, mainly because of the fear of the unknown. If you think about it, the unknown is there all the time, in every second of our life and in order to survive it, we need to stick to controlling what we can. I can control what I do during the move, I can control my actions and behaviors and I can choose a house to suit my needs.

Unplanned changes, like accidents, death, illness or crisis create stress ever more, because of the sudden loss of certainty.

The only thing constant in life is change
- François de la Rochefoucauld

It is important to understand that we are changing all the time and that change and growth go hand in hand. Preparing well to planned changes will help you deal with unplanned changes. In a strange way, you can also be certain that unplanned changes will occur and when they do, your certainty can increase.

No money

Most of the people in the world live a lifestyle that is hard to maintain. Although education is perceived to be free in many countries, children actually cost their parents lots of money. In many places around the world, people do not have enough money for food (have you seen the movie “Slumdog Millionaire“?). If you ask people about the causes of stress (called “stressors”), you will find that lack of money is at the top of the list, causing them many sleepless nights.

Stress regarding money increases during crisis, so the best way to avoid it is to manage your money wisely. Live within your means and always put some extra money for a rainy day.

No time

Lack of time is a growing source of stress in our society. Most people work many hours, long days and do not have time to do all the things they want or have to do. Others are just “time wasters” and are not efficient in their time management. Yet, we all have 24 hours a day and we can manage our time, rather than letting our time manage us. Here are some symptoms of time wasters:

• Being disorganized
• Not knowing how to say “no”
• Planning to do too much for the time allocated
• Not taking time to rejuvenate
• Watching too much TV (this includes YouTube, idle Net surfing and playing video games)
• Inability to delegate properly
• Procrastinating
• Not having good systems
• Having too much clutter and a messy home/desk/shed/office
• Avoiding helpful technology
• Being easily distracted and allowing interruptions

The way to solve the time management issue is to build your time management skills and understand that the difference between being stressed and relaxed is the way you manage your time. Develop techniques and ways to handle your time when you are relaxed. It will help you greatly when you are not.

Relationships

Many people feel pressured regarding their relationships with their boss, partners, friends, parents, in laws, kids, employees, clients, etc. Most of the time, the pressure builds when there is a verbal or non-verbal expectation to behave differently.

The solution to pressure from others is confidence! Personal development is a way of building confidence. You learn about yourself, your desires, your mind and your attitude and you learn to design your life to your advantage.

Inability to switch off

Many people, when feeling stressed, are unable to switch off from working, thinking, taking care of others or any other thing that occupies all of their being. Many times, this can cause insomnia and inability to relax. It is like riding in an ambulance with the siren on all the time. Remember, even an ambulance needs to stop to refuel and recharge. This inability to switch off does not allow people to enjoy coming home from a full day at work or enjoy a holiday they have worked hard to pay for.

Find out how many hours of sleep you need and stick to them. During stressful times, sleep even more, because stress is exhausting. Do not bring work home (if you have to, do it only after your kids are in bed). On holidays, turn your mobile phone (and every other beeping and vibrating device your own) off and avoid checking your emails. During a work day, stop every hour for a stretch, go to the toilet, talk to someone and drink some water. This will help you recharge and function better.

Indecision

Just like the urgency in making decisions in an ambulance, some people find it hard to make decisions. Deciding what house to buy and what dinner to cook can create the same feeling of stress sometimes. In a way, not making a decision is a decision in itself and people fall into the trap of waiting for divine intervention or circumstances that to make the choice for them, but this only increases their insecurity and makes it harder for them to make new decisions.

The way to handle this challenge is to remember that we are not fortune tellers and at any given time, we do the best we can. Also, we are rarely faced with life or death situations. Spaghetti or rice? Who cares? Bring it on!

Lack of significance

Some people are so insecure they depend on others to feel appreciated and happy. The need for others to fill their significance tank creates lots of stress, disappointment and later anger. Those people usually feel unheard, unappreciated and spend a lot of effort pleasing others to gain some acknowledgment, but this is a vicious cycle, because it increases the feeling of dependency and requires more appreciation from others later on.

The way to handle such stress is to learn self appreciation, self love and develop self confidence. There is always something good you can find in yourself – your smile, your manners, your sense of humor, some achievement at work, a good intention, a kind deed. Seek and ye shall find.

Use of drugs

Use of drugs comes with some physical comfort, followed by some form of panic when the drug wears off. The dependency creates lots of pressure, the need for money creates pressure and sometimes the need to hide the use creates a lot of pressure.

The only solution for this is not to use drugs!

Too much alcohol

Alcohol may be legal, but it is still a kind of drug. In the US alone, about 14 million people have been diagnosed with disorders associated with alcohol (not the occasional social drink or wine with dinner, real heavy stuff). Again, the dependency, the money required and the social shame are huge stressors. By the way, alcohol stress is a matter of life and death, because more than 100,000 deaths each year in the US are caused by excessive alcohol.

The solution is not to drink!

Narrow mindedness

Narrow minded people cannot see options in difficult situations. They feel disappointed and frustrated with many conflicts and crises in their life, but do not see any way out of them. This inability to see options and solutions creates lots of stress and a feeling of helplessness.

The way to overcome this problem is to look at situations from different points of view – big picture, more detailed, future perspective or “What would I do if this were a similar situation in a different setting?” Ask yourself “What are my options?”, “What is the worst thing that can happen if I do <each option>?” and “In two years, what will I think about this situation?”

Negativity

Negativity can cause a lot of stress. Negative people see a black future, they find faults in many things, they lack hope and motivation and this drains them of their energy. Being a negative person is like living in an ambulance while only hearing constant pain and expecting that the next patient will die and the next one and the next one … every time, all the time. Negative people forget that the ambulance is all about saving lives.

To change from a negative to a positive mindset requires the ability to see good, do good and respond in a good way to things. Focusing on a positive outcome, visualizing a good future and having positive affirmations can greatly reduce stress. The funny thing is that good exists everywhere and it only takes a decision to start seeing it.

Difficulty to self express

One of the biggest stress-causing challenges is people’s difficulty to express their feelings and their thoughts. When people bottle up, this creates pressure that may one day blow up, more often than not out of proportion.

The solution is always to find someone to talk to. It can be a friend you trust or a professional. Alternatively, you can find a creative way to express yourself. Art provides wonderful ways of self expression. It is a good idea to have such an outlet long before the tension becomes too heavy to bear. In stressful situations, find a way to rearrange your thoughts and sort out your emotions.

Everyone, without any exceptions, experiences stress in life. Being unpredictable and exciting, life contains many stressors. Instead of letting stress control you, take the responsibility of opening the door and getting out of your ambulance. There is a beautiful, safe world out there.

Happy relaxed life,
Ronit

Usually, the mind has a self talk battle inside and it sounds like this:

• I want to express how I feel, but I’m afraid they won’t listen
• I want to apply for this job, but I’m afraid of being rejected
• I want to be healthy/wealthy, but I’m afraid it will be too hard
• I want to cook my kids something new, but I’m afraid they won’t like it
• I want to see my parents, but I’m afraid my husband won’t like it
• I want to have a bath, but I’m afraid I’ll run out of time
• I want to invest in a new lawn mower, but I’m afraid it’s too expensive
• I want to be a singer, but I’m afraid no one will like my voice
• I want to excel at work, but I’m afraid I’ll have to come home late and the kids will be in bed already

As you can see from all these examples, they have a formula:

I want to <do something>,
but I’m afraid <of some negative outcome>

This formula is an anchor. It is a guarantee for us to keep the fear and stay stuck in one place.

What do you think will happen if you change the order?

I want to <do something>.
I think <there might be some negative outcome>,
but <this is why I’m going to do it anyway>

Fear is a thought. If you say “I’m afraid”, you put a barrier between your desire and achieving it, but when you say “I think”, you simply state that the outcome may not be to your liking.

• I want to express how I feel. I think they won’t listen, but my feelings are very important.
• I want to apply for this job. I think of being rejected, but I have to try.
• I want to be healthy/wealthy. I think it will be too hard, but it’s too important to give it up.
• I want to cook my kids something new. I think they won’t like it, but it’s good to expose them to new things.
• I want to see my parents. I think my husband won’t like it, but I can simply go without him.
• I want to have a bath. I think I’ll run out of time, but at least I’ll be relaxed and able to enjoy myself later.
• I want to invest in a new lawn mower. I think it’s too expensive, but it will save my time and the lawn will look better.
• I want to be a singer. I think no one will like my voice, but if I don’t do it, I’ll never forgive myself.
• I want to excel at work. I think I’ll have to come home late and the kids will be in bed already, but I know they will understand and be proud of their mom and I can alternate with my husband.

Can you see the difference between the two? One “makes a big deal” of the situation, while the other is a statement of an option. The first “but” will get you stuck, while the second “but” will give you more options to investigate the priority/importance and to stretch your creativity.

How to overcome fear

Here are 6 tips to handle fear:

1. When you think you are afraid, focus on what you want. Remind yourself what will be the most wonderful outcome of going forward despite the fear. Focusing on the positive outcome of your actions is what makes people motivated.
2. Imagine the worst possible outcome. What will happy if they do not listen? What will happen if you are rejected? What is the worst thing this will actually cause you? I say to myself, “Will it kill me?” Defining the worst case scenario is a good technique to realize that the “fear of the wolf is always greater than the wolf itself”.
3. Most people feel that if something happened in the past, it will keep happening. Your fear started at some point in your life, yet you have kept it alive through many changes. Find differences between that first time and now. For example, “I didn’t parent my first child very well, so I’m afraid I’m not a good parent” can be changed to “I didn’t parent my first child very well, but now I’m a different person, because I have experienced parenting already and learned a lot”. The brain will try to find similarities to prevent you from pain, but it is your responsibility to break the connections and remind yourself that every day, with every new experience, you are learning and changing and next time will always, always be different.
4. Think of alternatives. Many times, fear is the inability to see other options. Always ask yourself if you have another option. Sometimes, when it seems you have exhausted all your options, remind yourself, “I’m sure there is a way and I haven’t found it yet!” Keep seeking and you will find!
5. Find inspiration. If you are afraid of doing something, find people who have been in the same position and talk to them. Ask them how they have overcome their fear and this will help you overcome your fears. Keep reminding yourself, “They’ve done it without any advice, so I’m in a better position and I can do it too”.
6. Sometimes fear is just overwhelm – things seem too hard, too long, too confronting or too complicated. To ease your overwhelm, chunk down the problem into manageable tasks. “Eat” it bite after bite to allow you to digest. Say, “What can I do today to move forward? What can I do that it is easy? What is in my control that I can do right now?”
7. Writing down sometimes helps people get better perspective. Write your fears on a piece of paper and put it in your pocket or wallet and look at it later. Often, just letting your fear go and coming back to it later can change how you perceive it.
8. Use positive affirmations. All you need is some statements or quotes that will encourage you to conquer your fear. Here are a few that may help. Print them, put them on your fridge, carry them in your diary and share them with your friends.

   If you are afraid of saying what you think about what is important to you, use this quote:

   

   If you are afraid of not having time use this statement:

   

   If you are afraid of what others may think about you, use this one:

   

Fears were warning signs in the past, but now they are our enemy. People live in so much fear that it becomes part of their identity – a debilitating ability.

If you want to be free of fears, remember your only war is an internal one, going on within you.

To victory and freedom,
Ronit

When I was in high school, I spent many hours reading science fiction. One of the books I still remember well was called “Man Plus” by Frederik Pohl. In the book, astronaut Roger Torraway is preparing to go to Mars, which has a very different atmosphere and pressure and requires special vision. So he is fitted, among other things, with special bionic eyes.

After the eyes are implanted in his head, he wakes up from his surgery unable to see anything. He complains to the surgeon, who then tells him his eyes are connected to the same nerves as his natural ones were and instructs him to open the bionic eyes the way he opened his eyes before.

Roger searches his brain in growing panic, until he finally finds the switch. He flicks the switch on and he can see!

I have used this analogy while going on rides at theme parks. Rides are built so that you cannot see the big dip or the steep slide ahead until you are right upon it, and then, there is nothing you can do to stop the fall. The pit of your stomach is filled with fear, which is only reinforced by the screaming people all around you.

I recently went on a few rides, not having done so in a long time. As expected, whenever that horrible turn came, the knot formed in my stomach and my brain started screaming “Oh, s…”. I decided to trust the builders of the ride and remembered the people before me arriving safely at the foot of the ride and getting out with a big smile on their face. Then, although my fear did not disappear completely (those ride builders sure do a good job), it was mostly replaced by sheer enjoyment of the fall or slide, which allowed me to also pay attention to details my scared mind would have missed on the way down.

Being committed to my relationship with Ronit, I have also developed a love switch. No matter how angry I might be or how frustrated, I give myself some distance, take a few deep breaths (I exhale all the air from my chest and stomach before inhaling as much as I can) and look at her again from a neutral point of view. I ask myself, “What must she be going through to act as she has just done?”

Of course, this takes practice, but by “flicking this switch” I can now calm myself like this and imagine Ronit’s state of mind, which floods me with understanding and love towards her.

Many of our coaching clients are full of self criticism and regrets. They ask us to help them build self confidence and feel good about themselves. Knowing how damaging regret can be, Ronit and I show them how to create a new switch in their mind, the “I always do the best I can” switch.

Although this mental switch seems very useful, it too takes practice to master, but it works! After a while, our clients are able to forgive their young selves and their current selves for many things they once considered horrible and they fill with energy and a zest for life.

I used to be quite a competitive driver on the road. I would challenge myself to get everywhere in the shortest possible time, even when it did not really matter. Of course, this meant that other drivers were just a nuisance, because they were in my way, preventing me from achieving my driving goals.

Whenever we went somewhere as a family, I drove the car, but sometimes, I had to sit next to Ronit as she drove and I just went ballistic. “How can you drive so slowly? Quick, change lanes! You missed the light! What are you doing?!”

Sure, I noticed that when Ronit and I drive separate cars, starting at the same time and going to the same place, she somehow makes it to our destination within a very short time (usually just a few seconds), but I still did my best to arrive as quickly as I could.

While being coached, I created a mental switch from “I must get there as fast as I can” to “I prefer to relax and enjoy the ride”. Sometimes, I find myself cruising along, humming to myself, looking around and having a good time in the middle of heavy traffic. I look at the other drivers, smile at them and when I see one who is distressed, I think to myself, “Poor thing. It’s no use stressing on the road. It’s a lot more fun being relaxed and open”.

Last week, I was taking a walk with my son Tsoof and told him I was going to write about switches. To my surprise, Tsoof had a story of his own.

Being a highly auditory kid, Tsoof’s biggest challenge is ignoring noises and sounds. Somehow, his room seems to collect the sounds in the house and amplify them, which even I have found hard to shut out. But Tsoof told me that whenever he goes to sleep, he can decide to focus on a single thought or a single sound, like the ceiling fan or the frogs outside, and pay no attention to the rest.

“I can hear everything”, he explained to me, “But I just choose to ignore everything other than what I’m focusing on”.

Remembering that Tsoof has been meditating since he was 4 years old, I commented that this was precisely what he practices during meditation, but he said, “That’s true, but I actually read about this mind switch in Eragon“.

You learn new things every day…

Switch on the good feelings!
Gal

In the great all-time book “Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance”, humanity is split into those who are mostly concerned with the structure (or form) of things and those who only care about the function (or meaning) of things. I’m here to tell you that people can be as easily divided into those who are precise in the way they talk and those who take everything personally

Here’s an example.

Mr. Smith: Darling, you’ve left your socks on the bathroom floor.

Mrs. Smith: Are you saying I’m messy?

This sort of interpretation will get you into all kinds of strife and very quickly. Let’s keep going.

Mr. Smith: No, dear, I was just thinking you might have dropped them there.

Mrs. Smith: So now you’re saying I’m careless, too?

Mr. Smith: Of course not. I’m only trying to help you.

Mrs. Smith (starting to get edgy): I don’t need any help. I can manage on my own, thank you very much.

Mr. Smith: I’m going to go downstairs for a bit.

Mrs. Smith: You just don’t want to be with me anymore, is that it?

… and so on and so forth.

Of course, this conversation could start with other things, like “You’ve made a typo”, “Watch the speedometer, dear”, “Why don’t we ask for directions?” and pretty much anything else that can be even a slight suggestion of something bad in the listener.

My theory is that such responses originate from growing up with people who did not distinguish between action- or behavior-level comments (“You’ve left the light on”) and identity-level comments (“You’re so irresponsible”).

You see, identity-level statements cause the subject to raise shields and go into red alert, in an attempt to protect their self-image. Having a childhood full of those creates a fearful and defensive person, who is too quick to perceive emotional danger to let even behavior-level statements slide.

So what to do? Well, the best thing to do is to avoid criticizing such a person at all. Instead, wait until they exhibit the desired behavior and then comment loudly and proudly on their exceptional abilities at keeping the bathroom floor free of socks.

If you’re in a real hurry, you MAY get away with slipping your comment unnoticed as the 4th or 5th statement, as in “Darling, you look wonderful today! Your hair looks so nice, your shirt color matches your eyes and you seem like you’re all set to go. Could you just pick up those socks from the bathroom floor?”