Reality is a bit different, unfortunately. Most of our information feeds are controlled by a fairly small group of huge profit-driven conglomerates, which make their money by selling. To sell well, they need people to “see red”, so they inspire fear via TV news broadcasts, bold newspaper headlines and various other methods.

The result of this is the general view that violent crime is everywhere, that different people cannot live together in harmony and that all too often, the only way to sort things out is to wage war on another ethnic group or country, even at the cost of “friendly” life.

Ronit and I have lived with our kids in a number of places around the world, where there were different cultures, different languages, different food and different climates. We have lived in Arlington Texas and Sunnyvale California in the USA. We have lived in Thailand and in Singapore. We have lived in Israel and in 2 big cities in Australia. We also traveled to many places, including Mexico, France, Philippines, Korea and China.

When we arrived in each one of these places, we naturally focused on the things that were unfamiliar and strange to us, because we needed to get used to them in order to be able to live comfortably. We noticed the local clothing, the local rules of driving, the style of the local buildings, the local manners and the local money.

But after a while, once we have settled in, all we could see was people – human beings, just like us, who get up in the morning, work for a living, have a family, care for their elders and sometimes struggle with life’s mysterious ways. We noticed couples holding hands and smiling at each other, kids running around screaming with excitement and parents looking worried when their child climbed too high or went too far away. We heard complaints about parking being hard to find, the ever rising price of fuel, the unpredictable economy and the distrust of politics. We saw women searching frantically for something in their purse and men panicking as they notice the time. We joined families as they watched big shows and played in the playground.

Everywhere we went, we saw good people.

Now, some people find it hard to spot the good people and I think I know why. You see, by design, our brains interprets anything that looks, sounds or feels like us as trustworthy and good, because it affirms us. By the same design, we become suspicious of things that look, sound or feel different to us.

The problem is there are sometimes obvious things that look different, while the similarities are harder to find and require effort.

One of the things I have said to many people many times is this:

The more you know about another person, the harder it is to judge them. If you knew everything about them, everything they did would seem like the best thing to do and the obvious choice. Being them, you would do exactly what they do

Ronit and I have immersed ourselves and our kids in other cultures and gradually understood more and more of their customs. People who live in the same culture all their life (especially in the same place) and receive filtered information about other groups and other places are not likely to find that understanding. When they bump into people who do things differently to their local custom, they suspect them and protect themselves against their influence.

In many places in Europe, the population is rapidly becoming heterogeneous, especially since the Soviet Union was dissolved and the European Union was established. In the USA, over 1.1 million people became permanent residents in 2008 alone and over 4.4 million from 2005 to 2008.

Australia is a country of immigrants. Of nearly 24 million residents, over 4.4 million (18.3% of the population) were born outside of Australia, mostly from non-English speaking countries. In 2008, 1½ times more people were added to the population of Australia through immigration than through birth. Looking back 3 generations, most of the Australian population came from somewhere else and many still retain their original culture to some extent.

Lots of people now work with colleagues in other countries. Many serve clients in other countries or purchase from suppliers in other countries. Unfortunately, not a small number of people have lost their jobs to people in other countries.

It is becoming increasingly difficult to “stick to your own”, isn’t it? If you think about it, it is going to be far more difficult for your kids!

So what can you do?

Whenever we go out to events with a large crowd, I like to play a little game with myself (if you are smiling to yourself now, please stop it and stay focused). I choose a person, a couple or a family and make up a story about them. I watch them for a while as they move around, touch things, speak, gesture and interact with other people. Then, I imagine what it might be like to be them.

When I see a couple with stern faces who hardly talk to each other, I imagine how they got up in the morning and had a fight. When I see a little girl crying and her father comforting her, I imagine she fell and got hurt or wanted to buy something and was disappointed.

I ask myself, “What may have happened for this person to behave like this?” I try to put myself in their shoes, or rather their emotional state, sometimes by matching their body language or facial expression. I try to BE them for a second.

Some of these people are black, some are Muslim, some are Asian, some are big, some are thin, some are short, some are sunburned, some wear sandals, some wear fancy hats, some are old and some are bound to a wheelchair. I really don’t care.

To me, they are all people. Good people.

In my imagination, they feel scared, they feel happy, they worry about their relationship with their spouse or their all-of-a-sudden opinionated teenager walking around looking too inviting, they give up chatting with a friend to push their toddler on the swing, they wonder what others might be thinking about them and are surprised when a stranger (guess who) smiles at them a big smile of understanding and identification.

Often, I share my stories with Ronit and the kids. I think it is important for my kids to see good people, because they are everywhere, but they are so easy to miss. I believe that for our world to be a good place for my kids to live, they have to see the good people in it and in doing so, they will become good people too.

What about you?

Gal

A strong light travels through the film towards the screen. You can see the beam of light getting wider as it travels through the air, showing flickers of colors and movement inside it. Follow the beam of light with your eyes as it keeps on going and getting wider, until you are facing forward and looking at a huge screen, which practically fills your entire fields of vision.

As you look, you become absorbed in the movie, finding yourself emotionally attached to some of the characters, fearing some of the others, hating a few and getting carried away with the story.

Real life is very much the same. We become absorbed in our own story, which we project onto the world. When we interact with other people, we each look at our own “film” and can get into all kinds of trouble.

What?!

Well, our beliefs are like film. Once we have them, they tend to just stick with us and shed different kinds of light on different parts of our life.

For example, if we have a belief we are not good enough, this will cast a dark shadow on all of our successes. Realistically, we can always find something to improve. Even if we got an A+ on an exam, we can tell ourselves we are not done with school yet. Even if we have great primary-school-aged kids, we can tell ourselves we might have problems when they become teens. This way, we remain not good enough.

On the other hand, if we have a belief we are friendly and social, this will brighten up every human encounter for us. No matter what someone says, we will quickly find something good about it or use the opportunity to be nice to that person and make the interaction more positive. Either way, we remain friendly and social.

Here is a story to illustrate how this works.

In my circle of family and friends, I am famous for troubleshooting computer problems. I know a fair bit, I like the detective work involved, I have the determination and I like to help and make people happy. So from time to time, I get calls for help with someone’s computer.

Unfortunately, many of them are too far away, which means I cannot see what they are doing and I must rely on them to do as I say and be accurate in their description of what happens at their end.

One day, Ronit’s sister Ora called with a problem. Full of enthusiasm, I started asking her to check different things, until she gave me an answer that did not make any sense to me. I asked her again to do the same thing, but she could not find the buttons and details I was talking about.

After a while, I asked her what she was looking at and realized she had not done exactly as I had said and was looking at a different window than the one in my mind. I backtracked and we kept going from where she was, but inside, I felt she did not trust me enough and was trying her own troubleshooting instead of doing exactly as I said.

At some point, she again told me things that made no sense. I am not very proud of the next bit, but I poured my frustration on her. In the end, we worked out the problem, but both of us were left feeling badly, although I had helped her and her problem had been solved.

To let off my steam, I asked Ronit to walk with me around the block and told her I felt her sister had not trusted me. Ronit, who had witnessed the whole conversation, surprised me by saying, “If you go over what happened again, you’ll see it was you who didn’t trust Ora”.

I nearly blew up at that, but being the open-minded person that I am (what a great belief to have), we retraced the interaction and I realized I had indeed assumed Ora had misinformed me of things or done the wrong thing, but I had also made mistakes and could have interpreted her actions in other ways, which Ronit was able to do.

Ronit then summarized it for me by saying, “You see yourself in the world around you. You could not trust another person, so all you could see is another person not trusting you and another person who could not be trusted. Had you looked at the same situation without the suspicion, things would have turned out differently”.

This is how projection works. There is a proverb that describes it very nicely, saying, “A camel can only see the other camels’ humps”.

There are many things involved in projecting – communication styles, love languages, beliefs, values and needs – but a critical one (and a hard one to overcome, unfortunately) is interpreting everything from our own point of view at the center of the universe. When we do this, people do things to us, for us and against us, when in fact, they do everything to benefit themselves.

Here is a quick exercise you can do to notice your projection and possibly overcome some challenges by changing it. I would suggest doing this privately and with your eyes closed in a quiet spot first, when you are nice and relaxed, and trying to do it as things happen later on, after you have had some practice.

Think back to a heated conversation you have had lately, which has left you confused and irritated. Go over it step by step (to the best of your ability) and do the following:

1. Start with a frozen picture of yourself and the other person at the beginning of your argument
2. Leave your body and stand outside the discussion space
3. “Play” you or the other person saying a sentence or expressing an idea
4. Freeze the picture
5. Examine the your body language and facial expression
6. Examine the other person’s body language and facial expression
7. You may already have a glimpse of the difference in each person’s feeling and point of view, but if you do not, float into that person’s body, associate with them fully and see the world through their eyes for a bit until you feel the understanding sinking in
8. “Play” the next step
9. When you are certain you have gained enough understanding to do things differently next time, float back into yourself, return to here and now, take a deep breath, smile and slowly open your eyes

As a parent, of course, the other person is likely to be your partner, but may very well be one of your kids. When you try to associate with your kids‘ feelings, remember that young kids generally feel small and helpless and teenagers generally feel confused, overwhelmed and inadequate. Also, kids do not fully comprehend everything you say.

Another good projection exercise is to ask yourself, “Where have I felt like this before? Do I feel like this often?” If the answer is “Yes”, ask yourself, “When was the very first time I felt like this?”

Our past experiences, most often from our childhood, play in our minds repeatedly like well-rehearsed stories. They are so familiar to us, they seem to be the only way to behave, but they are not. Obviously, when you feel good with something, the more you do it, the better, but when a familiar scene makes you feel bad, just noticing it may already break its automatic nature and make you aware.

Again, find a quiet spot and some quiet time, close your eyes and revisit the very first time you experienced the unpleasant chain of events. Analyze it by looking at it from the outside and from each participant’s point of view, noting how different things were from here and now. When you are certain you have learned enough to break the repetitive story, come back to the room, breathe deeply, smile and slowly open your eyes.

I would love to read your experiences with these little imaginary adventures. Please come back and share when you have done one or two.

Live in a loving world,
Gal

Yes, it happens to everyone, but stop for a minute and relive your emotions while you were having the last such conversation. Maybe you were trying to convince your kids it was really time for bed and sleep was good for them, while thinking, “I could use some peace and quiet after a long day”. Maybe you were saying to your boss, “Sure I can do this, no problem”, while thinking, “And I really hope you’ll remember this when the next layoffs come around and keep me employed”. Maybe you were saying to your partner, “Honey, you look great”, knowing full well what would happen if you said something else.

Whatever it was, see if you can detect a bit of pressure in yourself.

This pressure comes from what professionals call “incongruence”, which is when your behavior disagrees with your beliefs. It is the opposite of feeling whole and complete and of being at peace inside.

Not that movies are anything like real life, but I found myself thinking about this issue while I was watching the movie “State of Play“. Cal McAffrey, played by Russell Crow, has his share of problems, but throughout most of the film, he says simple, honest things to the people around him. Being a reporter, he needs to hide what he knows and what he wants to do from people, but instead of beating around the bush, he says, “I can’t tell you about it now, but I have to go” or “It’s going to be tough, but do you really want to get the story?”

There is one particular scene, in which his ex-lover, played by Robin Wright-Penn, tries to seduce him and he softly says to her, “I’m really sorry, but this isn’t going to work”. He is so sincere about being sorry, while at the same time being very clear he is not going to go along.

Most people, especially Hollywood film characters, would try to manipulated the situation to avoid being uncomfortable, so I was expecting either to see him move in on her or start pretending and making excuses. When he just told it like it was, I was actually surprised.

Being a pesky life coach, I immediately began some intensive soul searching and self reflection and realized I could probably do better at getting rid of my own hidden agendas and saying what I think more often. OK, so I grew up surrounded by people who cared a lot about what others might think (not “would”, “might”, as in “there could be a one in a million chance”). That does not mean I have to live like this all my life.

So I started to experiment with saying things like, “Kids, my back really hurts. Can you please do the dishes?”, “It’s really hard for me to concentrate in this noise. Please stop” and even “It’s not exactly my taste, but I’m glad you like it” (sorry, no boss example, because I do not have one). It felt good not hiding my own feelings behind accusations or verbal maneuvers. The pressure was gone. It was nice and quiet in my head and relaxed in my chest.

In fact, I have gone further than this and said things I had meant to say many many times and things I had kept for quite some time (I am not going to quote those here). Regardless of the outcome, I felt whole and at peace with myself. I was also proud of myself for growing as a person and becoming an honest communicator.

Oddly enough, this opened the door for others to do the same, and whether they had said those things or not, I began to hear them and accept them, which made things even better.

So no more hidden agendas for me (not at home, anyway). No more being afraid of showing how I really feel. Another step towards personal freedom.

What about you?

A few weeks back, Tsoof had to choose a song from a movie to perform in class. He chose “Say” by John Mayer from the movie “The Bucket List“. He practiced at home so much we all joined in and eventually even performed this song as a family on an amateur stage. Here are the video clip and the lyrics for your enjoyment and pondering.

Happy communication,
Gal

Also, every two people are different in some way and so, when person A’s actions affect person B’s life, invariably there is some form of feedback from person B to let person A know. In the purest sense of the word, this is criticism.

A quick look at Internet-based dictionaries reveals the following definitions:

• Feedback is “The return of information about the result of a process or activity; an evaluative response”
• Criticism is “A comment expressing fault, interpretation, analysis, verbal disapproval”

Say your partner likes vanilla ice cream and you like chocolate. Your partner goes shopping and comes back with vanilla. No chocolate. Bummer!

Obvious criticism that will get you shaking your head and saying, “This is not the way to behave” is when you frown and say angrily, “You’re so selfish, you know? You only got the kind of ice cream you like, but what about me?”

Name-calling is just bad form, and so is the assumption of selfish intent, so we will just label this example as a clear-cut no-no and move on.

Here is another approach. You help your partner unpack and put away and casually say, “Honey, could you get some chocolate ice cream next time?”

If you are in a good mood as you read this, or if you take criticism easily, it may seem to you that this is a very nice way to deal with the situation – it is future-focused, presented as a request and contains nothing obviously negative. But there are people and there are times and moods when this request can be taken just as badly as if you were being horrible about not getting your kind of ice cream.

The way I see it, even the most well intended, forward-thinking, let’s-work-together comment will be taken as (severe) criticism if one or more of the following is true:

1. The recipient is past-focused and interprets the comment as “You didn’t get me the ice cream I like this time”, instead of “please do it next time”
2. The recipient over generalizes and interprets the comment as “You never get me the ice cream I like”, as opposed to “this time”
3. The recipient personalizes and interprets the comment as “You are a selfish person” (identity-level), instead of “You didn’t buy my ice cream” (action-level)
4. The recipient presumes to tell the future and interprets the comment as “Now he/she’s going to be mad at me”
5. The recipient catastrophizes and thinks “This is horrible and I can’t live with it”, instead of “It’s only ice cream”

Put together, a seemingly innocent request for ice cream is received as “You never get me my ice cream, you are selfish and I’m going to be mad at you forever!”

The magic cure for criticism

You will be happy to know there is a very good cure for criticism. It is so good it applies equally to both people in any relationship and can boost their respective self-esteems. It involves the following belief:

I always do the best I can

Important notes:

• You are doing the best you can subconsciously. You may be aiming for things you are not aware of, like satisfying your need for significance or variety or protecting your sense of identity.
• You always do the best you can for you. Whenever others are hurt by your actions or words, this is not what you mean. Even when you deliberately and knowingly say or do something nasty to someone else, your true goal is to improve your own feeling and the other person is an unfortunate casualty.

Essentially, believing that people always do the best they can will stop you from blaming them for not doing what you want just because you want it. Any feedback you give them will then be positive, future-focused and presented as a request. If they think your request is good for them and is within their power, they will do it.

Believing that you always do the best you can will stop you from being defensive when others present their view of things and their desires. Maybe you did not know something, maybe you were tired, maybe you were angry, it does not matter. You always do the best you can.

Unfortunately, most people do not have this belief. This is not surprising, because we are surrounded by self-centered people who put demands on our time and attention and do their best to link our self-esteem to how happy we make them. Most notable is parents’ (and teachers’) habit of saying to kids “Good boy/girl” (identity-level statement) when they do what they are expected to do and “Bad boy/girl” when they do not.

How to believe the best about yourself

Find a quiet, private place for this exercise, where you can spend a few minutes undisturbed. After you read the rest of the instructions, sit comfortably, take a few deep breaths and close your eyes.

Think of something in your life you deeply regret. It may be something you have done or something you have said and even something you “could have done/said” but did not. With the memory, you may feel a variety of negative emotions, such as guilt, shame, inadequacy and sadness.

Now answer this question: If you rolled back time and went back to being that same person at that time and place, could you do anything differently?

Many people say, “Of course. With what I know now…” But you are going back to being the same person. No new knowledge, no new abilities, not even from 1 second later. The exact same person, in the same mood and with the same mindset.

As long as you think the answer is “Yes”, keep asking yourself, “So why didn’t you?”

If you get tempted to think, “But I should have”, keep asking yourself, “But could I?”

Eventually, you are bound to realize the person you were at that time and place, following the events that came just before, having your unique background, beliefs and needs could only do the very thing you did. It was your only option.

The only conclusion possible from this exercise is that you always do the best you can. If it was in your power or within your (emotional) abilities to do anything better, you would have done it for sure.

And the same is true for everybody else!

Have an empowering life,
Gal

Stress is a feeling of pressure that produces adrenalin and creates a sense of urgency. Stress is exhausting and limits our ability to respond. There are so many physical symptoms linked to stress that some theories suggest most of humanity’s problems are caused by stress. Some of the symptoms are irritability, inability to focus, headaches, increased heart rate, muscle tension, insomnia (inability to sleep), confusion, high blood pressure, frequent illness and various types of pain.

Living in stress is like living in an ambulance all your life. You are on the road most of the day, you live in a small space, not many people around, everything is difficult, your decisions are all about life and death, mistakes are critical, there is no time to waste, not time for fun, not enough time and space to make your own meals, you see (too) many doctors, you develop a dark view of the world from frequent exposure to accidents, drink driving, violence and self neglect. Through the eyes of the stressed person life sucks!

There are many reasons for people to feel stressed. Often, it is the accumulation of more than one source of stress that creates enough pressure to exhaust people.

Historically, body’s mechanism to handle a real threat was the “fight or flight” response, which would a massive surge of energy for a short period of time. However, when this mechanism is triggered too often, our body runs out of energy.

Unfortunately, over the years, people started to react strongly to frequent, minor triggers. Something that someone says to us can be a threat, something that does not happen the way we expect can be a threat, but those things build up until our response to them is similar to “fight or flight”.

Even more unfortunately, this trend is only increasing.

What can cause stress?

Poor diet

Unfortunately, when stressed, people tend to eat things that interfere with the absorption of nutrients. Lack of vitamins and minerals can cause stress, creating a vicious cycle – you are stressed, therefore you do not eat well, but then your body lacks nutrients and you become more stressed…

In this case, it is important in stressful situations to stick to healthy eating. Have an emergency plan for emergency situations and stick to it. If you are stressed, ask yourself “What do I need to eat to give my body enough nutrients for me to relax?”

Change

Most people find it hard to deal with change. Even planned changes like moving to a new job or moving to a new house create a sense of pressure, mainly because of the fear of the unknown. If you think about it, the unknown is there all the time, in every second of our life and in order to survive it, we need to stick to controlling what we can. I can control what I do during the move, I can control my actions and behaviors and I can choose a house to suit my needs.

Unplanned changes, like accidents, death, illness or crisis create stress ever more, because of the sudden loss of certainty.

The only thing constant in life is change
- François de la Rochefoucauld

It is important to understand that we are changing all the time and that change and growth go hand in hand. Preparing well to planned changes will help you deal with unplanned changes. In a strange way, you can also be certain that unplanned changes will occur and when they do, your certainty can increase.

No money

Most of the people in the world live a lifestyle that is hard to maintain. Although education is perceived to be free in many countries, children actually cost their parents lots of money. In many places around the world, people do not have enough money for food (have you seen the movie “Slumdog Millionaire“?). If you ask people about the causes of stress (called “stressors”), you will find that lack of money is at the top of the list, causing them many sleepless nights.

Stress regarding money increases during crisis, so the best way to avoid it is to manage your money wisely. Live within your means and always put some extra money for a rainy day.

No time

Lack of time is a growing source of stress in our society. Most people work many hours, long days and do not have time to do all the things they want or have to do. Others are just “time wasters” and are not efficient in their time management. Yet, we all have 24 hours a day and we can manage our time, rather than letting our time manage us. Here are some symptoms of time wasters:

• Being disorganized
• Not knowing how to say “no”
• Planning to do too much for the time allocated
• Not taking time to rejuvenate
• Watching too much TV (this includes YouTube, idle Net surfing and playing video games)
• Inability to delegate properly
• Procrastinating
• Not having good systems
• Having too much clutter and a messy home/desk/shed/office
• Avoiding helpful technology
• Being easily distracted and allowing interruptions

The way to solve the time management issue is to build your time management skills and understand that the difference between being stressed and relaxed is the way you manage your time. Develop techniques and ways to handle your time when you are relaxed. It will help you greatly when you are not.

Relationships

Many people feel pressured regarding their relationships with their boss, partners, friends, parents, in laws, kids, employees, clients, etc. Most of the time, the pressure builds when there is a verbal or non-verbal expectation to behave differently.

The solution to pressure from others is confidence! Personal development is a way of building confidence. You learn about yourself, your desires, your mind and your attitude and you learn to design your life to your advantage.

Inability to switch off

Many people, when feeling stressed, are unable to switch off from working, thinking, taking care of others or any other thing that occupies all of their being. Many times, this can cause insomnia and inability to relax. It is like riding in an ambulance with the siren on all the time. Remember, even an ambulance needs to stop to refuel and recharge. This inability to switch off does not allow people to enjoy coming home from a full day at work or enjoy a holiday they have worked hard to pay for.

Find out how many hours of sleep you need and stick to them. During stressful times, sleep even more, because stress is exhausting. Do not bring work home (if you have to, do it only after your kids are in bed). On holidays, turn your mobile phone (and every other beeping and vibrating device your own) off and avoid checking your emails. During a work day, stop every hour for a stretch, go to the toilet, talk to someone and drink some water. This will help you recharge and function better.

Indecision

Just like the urgency in making decisions in an ambulance, some people find it hard to make decisions. Deciding what house to buy and what dinner to cook can create the same feeling of stress sometimes. In a way, not making a decision is a decision in itself and people fall into the trap of waiting for divine intervention or circumstances that to make the choice for them, but this only increases their insecurity and makes it harder for them to make new decisions.

The way to handle this challenge is to remember that we are not fortune tellers and at any given time, we do the best we can. Also, we are rarely faced with life or death situations. Spaghetti or rice? Who cares? Bring it on!

Lack of significance

Some people are so insecure they depend on others to feel appreciated and happy. The need for others to fill their significance tank creates lots of stress, disappointment and later anger. Those people usually feel unheard, unappreciated and spend a lot of effort pleasing others to gain some acknowledgment, but this is a vicious cycle, because it increases the feeling of dependency and requires more appreciation from others later on.

The way to handle such stress is to learn self appreciation, self love and develop self confidence. There is always something good you can find in yourself – your smile, your manners, your sense of humor, some achievement at work, a good intention, a kind deed. Seek and ye shall find.

Use of drugs

Use of drugs comes with some physical comfort, followed by some form of panic when the drug wears off. The dependency creates lots of pressure, the need for money creates pressure and sometimes the need to hide the use creates a lot of pressure.

The only solution for this is not to use drugs!

Too much alcohol

Alcohol may be legal, but it is still a kind of drug. In the US alone, about 14 million people have been diagnosed with disorders associated with alcohol (not the occasional social drink or wine with dinner, real heavy stuff). Again, the dependency, the money required and the social shame are huge stressors. By the way, alcohol stress is a matter of life and death, because more than 100,000 deaths each year in the US are caused by excessive alcohol.

The solution is not to drink!

Narrow mindedness

Narrow minded people cannot see options in difficult situations. They feel disappointed and frustrated with many conflicts and crises in their life, but do not see any way out of them. This inability to see options and solutions creates lots of stress and a feeling of helplessness.

The way to overcome this problem is to look at situations from different points of view – big picture, more detailed, future perspective or “What would I do if this were a similar situation in a different setting?” Ask yourself “What are my options?”, “What is the worst thing that can happen if I do <each option>?” and “In two years, what will I think about this situation?”

Negativity

Negativity can cause a lot of stress. Negative people see a black future, they find faults in many things, they lack hope and motivation and this drains them of their energy. Being a negative person is like living in an ambulance while only hearing constant pain and expecting that the next patient will die and the next one and the next one … every time, all the time. Negative people forget that the ambulance is all about saving lives.

To change from a negative to a positive mindset requires the ability to see good, do good and respond in a good way to things. Focusing on a positive outcome, visualizing a good future and having positive affirmations can greatly reduce stress. The funny thing is that good exists everywhere and it only takes a decision to start seeing it.

Difficulty to self express

One of the biggest stress-causing challenges is people’s difficulty to express their feelings and their thoughts. When people bottle up, this creates pressure that may one day blow up, more often than not out of proportion.

The solution is always to find someone to talk to. It can be a friend you trust or a professional. Alternatively, you can find a creative way to express yourself. Art provides wonderful ways of self expression. It is a good idea to have such an outlet long before the tension becomes too heavy to bear. In stressful situations, find a way to rearrange your thoughts and sort out your emotions.

Everyone, without any exceptions, experiences stress in life. Being unpredictable and exciting, life contains many stressors. Instead of letting stress control you, take the responsibility of opening the door and getting out of your ambulance. There is a beautiful, safe world out there.

Happy relaxed life,
Ronit

When I was in high school, I spent many hours reading science fiction. One of the books I still remember well was called “Man Plus” by Frederik Pohl. In the book, astronaut Roger Torraway is preparing to go to Mars, which has a very different atmosphere and pressure and requires special vision. So he is fitted, among other things, with special bionic eyes.

After the eyes are implanted in his head, he wakes up from his surgery unable to see anything. He complains to the surgeon, who then tells him his eyes are connected to the same nerves as his natural ones were and instructs him to open the bionic eyes the way he opened his eyes before.

Roger searches his brain in growing panic, until he finally finds the switch. He flicks the switch on and he can see!

I have used this analogy while going on rides at theme parks. Rides are built so that you cannot see the big dip or the steep slide ahead until you are right upon it, and then, there is nothing you can do to stop the fall. The pit of your stomach is filled with fear, which is only reinforced by the screaming people all around you.

I recently went on a few rides, not having done so in a long time. As expected, whenever that horrible turn came, the knot formed in my stomach and my brain started screaming “Oh, s…”. I decided to trust the builders of the ride and remembered the people before me arriving safely at the foot of the ride and getting out with a big smile on their face. Then, although my fear did not disappear completely (those ride builders sure do a good job), it was mostly replaced by sheer enjoyment of the fall or slide, which allowed me to also pay attention to details my scared mind would have missed on the way down.

Being committed to my relationship with Ronit, I have also developed a love switch. No matter how angry I might be or how frustrated, I give myself some distance, take a few deep breaths (I exhale all the air from my chest and stomach before inhaling as much as I can) and look at her again from a neutral point of view. I ask myself, “What must she be going through to act as she has just done?”

Of course, this takes practice, but by “flicking this switch” I can now calm myself like this and imagine Ronit’s state of mind, which floods me with understanding and love towards her.

Many of our coaching clients are full of self criticism and regrets. They ask us to help them build self confidence and feel good about themselves. Knowing how damaging regret can be, Ronit and I show them how to create a new switch in their mind, the “I always do the best I can” switch.

Although this mental switch seems very useful, it too takes practice to master, but it works! After a while, our clients are able to forgive their young selves and their current selves for many things they once considered horrible and they fill with energy and a zest for life.

I used to be quite a competitive driver on the road. I would challenge myself to get everywhere in the shortest possible time, even when it did not really matter. Of course, this meant that other drivers were just a nuisance, because they were in my way, preventing me from achieving my driving goals.

Whenever we went somewhere as a family, I drove the car, but sometimes, I had to sit next to Ronit as she drove and I just went ballistic. “How can you drive so slowly? Quick, change lanes! You missed the light! What are you doing?!”

Sure, I noticed that when Ronit and I drive separate cars, starting at the same time and going to the same place, she somehow makes it to our destination within a very short time (usually just a few seconds), but I still did my best to arrive as quickly as I could.

While being coached, I created a mental switch from “I must get there as fast as I can” to “I prefer to relax and enjoy the ride”. Sometimes, I find myself cruising along, humming to myself, looking around and having a good time in the middle of heavy traffic. I look at the other drivers, smile at them and when I see one who is distressed, I think to myself, “Poor thing. It’s no use stressing on the road. It’s a lot more fun being relaxed and open”.

Last week, I was taking a walk with my son Tsoof and told him I was going to write about switches. To my surprise, Tsoof had a story of his own.

Being a highly auditory kid, Tsoof’s biggest challenge is ignoring noises and sounds. Somehow, his room seems to collect the sounds in the house and amplify them, which even I have found hard to shut out. But Tsoof told me that whenever he goes to sleep, he can decide to focus on a single thought or a single sound, like the ceiling fan or the frogs outside, and pay no attention to the rest.

“I can hear everything”, he explained to me, “But I just choose to ignore everything other than what I’m focusing on”.

Remembering that Tsoof has been meditating since he was 4 years old, I commented that this was precisely what he practices during meditation, but he said, “That’s true, but I actually read about this mind switch in Eragon“.

You learn new things every day…

Switch on the good feelings!
Gal

Marina was a beautiful 19-year-old model when she met Peter, who was a handsome, loving man. They dated for a long time and were a happy and successful couple – big love, great jobs, good pay and an active social life. This perfect picture changed when Marina got pregnant.

They stopped going out, stopped the late nights, the wine and the dancing and Peter started spending more and more time away from home.

Marina had a feeling he was fooling around and felt very sad and lonely. She cried a lot and did not want to do anything. She gained weight and could hardly recognize the model she had been in her teen years. She felt really bad.

After a month of emotional stress, she decided to talk to Peter about her feelings. Peter assured her he was a devoted husband and referred her to one of the top psychiatrists in town who, told her she had prenatal depression.

After the delivery of their first son, Marina felt even worse and her psychiatrist prescribed some medication to deal with her increasing depression. Just like many other women after delivery, Marina entered the depression statistics.

Four years later, things happened exactly the same way. Marina was in her last months of her pregnancy and Peter was working overtime to support their growing family.

Marina suspected him again. Peter told her he loved her dearly, bought her presents, but was nowhere to be found when she went into labor with their second son.

Marina’s depression did not help improve their relationship. Once a social and friendly person, she became reserved, with low self esteem, a negative body image and no confidence, while Peter traveled many days every year.

18 years later, Marina decided to take stock of her life. She was still married, there was no real communication with her husband, little fun, 2 children, 18 years of anti-depressants. 8 times, she had suspected Peter was having an affair. 8 times, he denied. She had no family support, few friends and a really bad feeling about herself.

Marina’s situation was painful. She was ready to move on.

Peter went overseas for work and Marina was about to pick him up from the airport on Wednesday noon. He called her from overseas and told her he was going to stay one more day for meetings and he’d take a taxi home.

That time, Marina did not go crying to her psychiatrist. Instead, she called one of her friends who worked for the airline and asked her to find the real day and hour Peter was supposed to arrive. Her friend told her he should be back as per the original itinerary. On Wednesday at noon, Marina stood at the airport looking at all the welcoming people, unsure if she was as happy as the rest. About half an hour later, Peter appeared, holding hands with a woman with whom he worked!

The divorce went really well. After signing the divorce papers, Marina asked Peter about all the incidents she had suspected and he admitted that in all of them, he had been having affairs.

“And I thought all that time I was crazy and imagining things”, Marina said when she first came to see me. “I have been taking anti-depressants for 21 years, but now I want to stop. Will you help me?” she asked.

“This is something you need to discuss with your psychiatric”, I told her.

“I have”, she said, “And he told me I couldn’t. He said that without it, I’ll be worse.”

“And what do you think?” I continued.

She thought about it for a minute. I looked at her. She was in her late forties and overweight. I could see the model in her, because she still had style. A person needs a lot of courage to stand at the airport and face her greatest fear. She was a brave woman and she was ready to start living.

“I think I can,” she said in a confident tone.

I smiled. “If you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right”, I told her.

During coaching, Marina gradually stopped her medication with the help of her wonderful doctor. She goes out and is has entered a happy new relationship. She has improved her relationships with her kids and is communicating amazingly well with Peter. She has been promoted at work and is considering publishing her story “to help others believe they can”.

I am inspired. I hope you are too!

The Man Who Thinks He Can
- Walter D. Wintle

If you think you’re beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don’t;
If you’d like to win, but think, you can’t
It’s almost a cinch you won’t.
If you think you will lose, you’re lost;
For out in the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow’s will,
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you’re outclassed, you are;
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to hustle before
You can ever win a prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.