Let’s face it, most of the people we know measure themselves and others by the perception of their “net worth”. They may not know what others are “worth”, but that doesn’t stop them from making wild guesses, based on external appearances, like clothes, cars and house, and decide whether a person is successful in life or not.
This influence gets many people stuck in life. They look at their own bank account and think “Oh, my God, I am such a failure”, while there is much in their life they could see as success. There are others who sacrifice many important things in their life, but their bank balance is large, so they think “Gee, I am so successful, why am I so miserable?”.
Now, I don’t contest the importance of financial comfort, because our world is a lot nicer when we have money. What I am saying is that the link between the amount of money you have and how successful in life is not 1:1. In fact, anyone can see themselves as a success in some areas, sometimes even more so than compared with “the rich people”.
Here are some “personal growth” things that will get you feeling successful in no time:
- No matter what decision you ever make, it always has a down side. The decision only has to do with what is more important to you. This means that you are always more successful than you could be, had you chosen differently, according to your own priorities. Whenever you make a decision, you choose the most successful option by your definition.
So when you evaluate your life, remember that by your standards, you are as successful as you could be.
- The flip side, of course, is to look at what other people sacrifice in order to gain their financial success - time with their kids, broken marriage, lost friends, stress-induced medical conditions and lots more. When you look at their decisions, their down side may be your up side, and your time with your kids, your loving relationships and your health are your successes, even if you’ve had to give up money to have them.
When you die, seeing the face of people who love you is a lot more comforting than knowing you have money in the bank…
- Brian Tracey, a truly remarkable man, says that success is a matter of focus and that one should focus on learning and growth, instead of achievements. It may take some time to hit a goal, so keeping motivated can be a challenge on days when nothing is finished. Brian Tracey suggests to focus on improvements instead. Every day, you can be successful at being a bit better than yesterday at something.
Measure you skill levels at various things and set daily goals to improve them. The compounding of these improvements will take you a long way, but more importantly, you will feel like a success all the time.
[Just to be absolutely clear, many rich people also have friends and lead a good life outside of work. I sincerely hope no rich people have been hurt in the process of creating this post 
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What I’m saying is that the starting point of each one of us is different, so comparing people based on any single factor is ridiculous, let alone a perceived factor. Broaden your definition of success and make it your own. Decide what’s important for YOU, break it down to little bits, conquer them daily and feel successful all the time.
That should put a big smile on your face!
In over 4 decades of living, I’ve had the misfortune of getting into all kinds of arguments with people. I’m sure you have, too, at least to some extent. However, possibly the most common cause for these arguments was the other person’s insistence on making thing personal. Some time ago, I bumped into this phenomenon in a book on Rational Emotive Behavior Analysis, which even gave it a name: personalizing.
In the great all-time book “Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance”, humanity is split into those who are mostly concerned with the structure (or form) of things and those who only care about the function (or meaning) of things. I’m here to tell you that people can be as easily divided into those who are precise in the way they talk and those who take everything personally
Here’s an example.
Mr. Smith: Darling, you’ve left your socks on the bathroom floor.
Mrs. Smith: Are you saying I’m messy?
This sort of interpretation will get you into all kinds of strife and very quickly. Let’s keep going.
Mr. Smith: No, dear, I was just thinking you might have dropped them there.
Mrs. Smith: So now you’re saying I’m careless, too?
Mr. Smith: Of course not. I’m only trying to help you.
Mrs. Smith (starting to get edgy): I don’t need any help. I can manage on my own, thank you very much.
Mr. Smith: I’m going to go downstairs for a bit.
Mrs. Smith: You just don’t want to be with me anymore, is that it?
… and so on and so forth.
Of course, this conversation could start with other things, like “You’ve made a typo”, “Watch the speedometer, dear”, “Why don’t we ask for directions?” and pretty much anything else that can be even a slight suggestion of something bad in the listener.
My theory is that such responses originate from growing up with people who did not distinguish between action- or behavior-level comments (”You’ve left the light on”) and identity-level comments (”You’re so irresponsible”).
You see, identity-level statements cause the subject to raise shields and go into red alert, in an attempt to protect their self-image. Having a childhood full of those creates a fearful and defensive person, who is too quick to perceive emotional danger to let even behavior-level statements slide.
So what to do? Well, the best thing to do is to avoid criticizing such a person at all. Instead, wait until they exhibit the desired behavior and then comment loudly and proudly on their exceptional abilities at keeping the bathroom floor free of socks.
If you’re in a real hurry, you MAY get away with slipping your comment unnoticed as the 4th or 5th statement, as in “Darling, you look wonderful today! Your hair looks so nice, your shirt color matches your eyes and you seem like you’re all set to go. Could you just pick up those socks from the bathroom floor?”
Lifestyle is a very popular word. There are many people searching for this work on the Internet. There are many websites offering lifestyle information and lifestyle products. There are many magazines dedicated to lifestyle in general and even some particular area of lifestyle.
I grew up in a small town, so for me, I used to interpret “lifestyle” as “style of living” or “the particular way in which one prefers to arrange one’s objects, human environment and habits”. To me, it was related to my ability to choose wearing casual clothes, preferring to play basketball over soccer, growing a beard in winter and shaving it in summer.
Well, I’m finding more and more that I’m an insignificant minority in a vast sea of people, who see “lifestyle” as something that is externally designed and bestowed upon them through the media.Take a moment now to open a new window and search in your favorite search engine for “lifestyle” and see what comes up and the amounts of pressure associated with everything.
The pressure cooker of modern life has most of the people I know chasing fantasy clothing and “beauty” products that look good mainly in the ads showing them (on a model, with special lighting, in a special setting, in a super-touched-up image). But, if a famous actress wears them, than so must every other woman, right?
Obviously, when this “lifestyle” keeps changing, people find themselves chasing it year after year and season after season, which cements the feeling of lack more than the feeling of choice.
And feeling is exactly the key to escaping this pursuit of “style” (which is no longer a neutral world). When you want to buy something, you are actually buying a feeling. It could be the feeling of abundance (”because I can”), the desire to attract someone, a need to feel significance of a need to belong. Whatever that feeling is, it is the true aim of any purchase.
So, when you feel that you “must” buy something or paint the house or change your car or become a member of a club, ask yourself “What feeling am I trying to buy here?” or “What feeling am I trying to get rid of with this purchase?”
Share your experiences and insights with the rest of us below by posting a comment.
The thing that used to get me stuck the most, back before my personal growth began in earnest, was being right. No matter the cost, I just had to be right at everything. I would argue until the cows came home, and then a bit more, and by then, many friends thought they had better things to do and gave up.
Do you think that stopped me? No way! I had to make them see the light, didn’t I? No point accepting feeble defeat. The other person had to clearly state that I was right and give some very good reasons, which I supplied myself earlier, of course, as to WHY I was right.
As much as this sounds crazy, I know others who are just like this.
Anyway, I’ve since grown a bit and figured out that when I feel I need to be right, my focus is on what the other person is thinking about me. Realistically, for the most part, who cares?
Before you go to the effort of finding people who do matter, consider that even for you, most people don’t. Most other people’s opinion of you will have very little impact on the quality of your life. So don’t bother.
What’s more, most topics aren’t that important. Think back to arguments you’ve had in your life and I’m sure you’ll agree that social topics certainly don’t matter, you can easily let go of sports, fashion, style and other personal taste topics, because personal choice is just that - personal. You can choose one thing and the other person can choose another and that’s fine.
Finally, in most cases, there is no right and wrong anyway. Human beings operate on beliefs and those are subjective. Truth is a very tricky thing to establish (ask generations of philosophers), so the question of who is right is, well, quite absurd to being with.
“So what should I do instead?”, you ask. Clever question. Well done for asking.
By asking this question, as is the case very often, you have alluded to the answer. Take responsibility for and focus on your desired outcome and do what you can to get to it. No point being right and having no friends, right? So instead, focus on finding some middle ground, or better yet, a win-win situation, in which everybody’s right.
Good luck!
Yesterday, I met a young man for the first time for a life coaching session. He told me a little bit about himself, and one of the things that stood out for me was that he was 21 years old and said he was going to have a baby soon. Throughout the session, I noticed he seemed to be worried, and whenever I mentioned his imminent parenthood, he sank in his chair and his face fell.
Now, my own 3 kids are a source of pure joy and pride for me and, being an experienced father and a parenting coach, I felt I needed to say something to make him feel easier.
So I traveled back in my head to one of my favorite moments in time, when the paediatrician finished examining my first born, wrapped her up snuggly in her first-ever clothes and handed her to me. There I was, dreading the huge responsibility for a totally helpless human being, worried sick about my best friend, who was being stitched up from her C-section operation, and exhausted from 30 hours of labor.
I reached out, held the little bundle in my arms and brought her close to my chest. Her warmth spread through my body and suddenly, everything was alright. Not knowing what the world is like, not being able to do even the simplest things, my new daughter has the amazing ability to make everything right just be being there.
I looked at her, tears welling up in my eyes, and said, “You know, I don’t know you yet, but already I love you so much” (here I go dropping a tear again as I write - sniff, sniff).
So I told the young man this, “Let me make parenting really simple for you. If something could be dangerous, don’t do it. Stop and ask someone. If it isn’t dangerous, go ahead and do it and then see what happens. More than anything, remember that your kid will need your love in order to grow. She (he is having a daughter too) will do the rest, so be guided by her responses”.
He relaxed and smiled.
In the past few years, there has been a proliferation of seminars, mainly around wealth creation, Internet marketing and personal growth. Various “gurus”, like Anthony Robbins, made this style of training for the masses popular and more and more people attend, in hope of becoming rich, successful and happy.
However, if you’ve attended any such seminar, you have probably come out of it wanting more and thinking “Gosh, this gives me so much, but I’m not much better off now than I was before. What’s going on here?”
What’s going on is that most of these seminars operate at the general level. They are tailored for a “standard person”, and, more often than not, are mainly a very elaborate method for selling additional products and services to a captive and thoroughly pre-qualified audience.
“So are you saying that personal growth seminars are worthless?”, you ask.
No, they most certainly aren’t. In fact, many of them are great, but they are only as good as your focus. You see, if you find yourself sitting in the big room and thinking about what the presenter is getting out of the seminar, you are forgetting about yourself at the same time. However, if you are constantly on the lookout for information you can use for your own benefit, you will find plenty of it.
What’s more, personal growth (and other) seminars are excellent networking opportunities, which you can use to build relationships with like-minded people, who share at least one meaningful experience with you. So when the presenter says “Walk around the room and introduce yourself”, make yourself known to as many people as you can, swap cards with them and get to know something about them. When the presenter says “Tell the person next to you they are great and give them a hug”, turn to the person next to you and do just that, because when you give, you receive. Hugs feel good even when the presenter wants to manipulate you. If you focus on yourself, you will enjoy the hug and maybe walk out of there with new friends.
I was talking to a friend of mine about a personal growth seminar I had attended, and he asked, “Isn’t all this stuff you already knew?” Technically, it was, but it was presented from a different angle, using new examples, and (and this is the most important) I was a different person. Sometimes, I hear or read something and it stays for a while, but I don’t implement it, until the knowledge fades away. Getting another exposure to it, especially in another context, awakens me to its potential again and reinforces my previous learning, which I would not have used if I didn’t bump into it again.
So I say focus on the value you are getting for yourself at personal growth seminars, participate with everything you’ve got, meet your neighbors and implement.
Welcome to this new blog, where I will share with you thoughts about how life can be better for you and me and everybody, if only because of how we regard it.
“Live, learn, grow, share” - this is what I believe with all my heart. Every experience we go through in our life can be a source of learning and growth, and to stay connected, we must share our wisdom with the people around us, so that they may grow too.
I encourage you to participate in building a community of living, learning, growing and sharing human beings, who navigate their way through life with their heart.
Hello, world!
